When you give your best and it's not enough

One of my clients recently was talking about the anguish she felt as her marriage was ending. She was working hard to speak kindly about her soon to be ex-husband in front of their children, remembering that this was a person in pain. But something she said really struck me. She said, "It is so hard when you give your best and it's not enough."

She was talking about her marriage, but this is also something that I've heard from so many of my parents who are struggling with their kids. They feel like they are trying so hard to be this parent who is loving and kind and patient and they feel they're constantly falling short. I liken it to an imaginary measuring stick and they just aren't measuring up.

We can be really hard on ourselves sometimes. (Christy Farr of Seeds and Weeds Coaching and I talked about this topic a couple of weeks ago on our new radio show, True North Parents. You can listen to that episode here.)

This isn't to say that we shouldn't strive to change. To grow. To be better people and better parents to our children.

On the contrary, I know that parenting has made me a much better person. Perfect? No way. Just ask my kids. They'll tell you.

But I learned a long time ago that I get nowhere when I handle something in a way I didn't intend to and then I spend the next 2 days beating myself up for it. When something happens and then I disappear into self-loathing, I've just left my kids without the benefit of a loving parent at just the moment when they need me to be there with them. It took me a long while, but I finally figured out that my kids don't need me to be perfect. They need me to be with them. To acknowledge when I mess up. To be real.

What if, when you have a "bad" (read "real" instead) parenting moment, you told yourself that you are doing the best you can in this moment? What if you treated yourself with the same compassion you want your children to feel when they make a mistake? What if, at the end of the day, instead of counting all the things you did "wrong" as a parent, you noted all those little things that you did well?

Thank you, Susan Graham for this illustration.

A long time ago, I read a book called Confessions of an Organized Homemaker. I've read this book no less than 25 times. I'm serious. I think I've got it somewhat down now. But one of the things the author, Deniece Schofield, says is to compare yourself only to yourself 6 months, a year, or five years ago, never to others. We always see the best of others from the outside and we always see our worst and compare that, so only look at your own progress. That helped me through many, many years of learning how to keep my house clean enough and organized enough that I could function, at minimum. When I look back at how far I've come, I know she'd be proud. (I should probably send her a thank you email...) But one of the tricks I learned is to observe what I'd still like to work on and feel gratitude for myself for the progress I was making.

Later today, I'll be going live on my Blogtalk Radio show, True North Parents, with Christy Farr and we're going to be talking about a related topic: Mommy Wars. It is really an extension of this topic because that same compassion we can extend to ourselves is what we can extend to others. Or not. When we have compassion for ourselves, our own story, and our own journey, we can do the same for others. Mommy Wars really come out of this place of not being able to give compassion to ourselves and our own choices and being disconnected from others. It is kind of the road rage of the parenting world. Road Rage happens when we dehumanize others, when we're disconnected. Please join us and let us know your thoughts. The shows are archived, so even if you missed it or can't join us live, you can still follow the same link and listen to the show.

I'd love to hear what your biggest stressors have been with other parents about parenting. How have you shifted your own understanding so you have more compassion for other parents? For yourself? Please post in the comments below!

True North Parents Radio- Road Blocks

I just wanted to take a moment and express my gratitude for all of you who reached out to me after my last post about my marriage ending. I sincerely appreciate your kind words and your prayers. Many of you expressed concerns about your own relationships, so I'll be looking at this as a future topic to discuss on my blog and in my classes.

My own authentic path has been full of road blocks. Just seriously completely littered with them. And I hear so many moms say they know what they need to do, but something gets in the way. And this is with everything. From what decisions to make about parenting to taking time for yourself, we struggle.

So once you've made the decision to find YOUR true north, what is in between that decision and actually living it? It isn't a straight shot. There is NO magic wand (not yet, anyway, though I've had several clients request I work on creating one). So how do we get through it? What does it look like?

In just a few short hours, Christy Farr, of Seeds and Weeds Coaching, and I will be back on the air to talk about Road Blocks to YOUR authentic path.

This is good stuff.

We've all had those moments when we *know what we need to do. Or we have an insight into something that is going on with our child. Yet, for some reason, we don't act on it. We discount it. We listen to someone else who we think knows more than we do about our own life.

If you're going to live your own authentic path, it is essential to understand how we get stuck. This helps us to figure out how to get unstuck!

The call is live Wednesday, February 27 at 1pm EST. But it is INTERNET radio, which means that you can listen on your computer when it is happening OR you can listen to it later from your computer on the same link. Join us here.

Last week, we had a few technical issues. Thanks for hanging in there with us anyway. Hopefully this week will go more smoothly. It's a whole lot like parenting. Show up and hang on because you NEVER know what's going to happen! See you soon!

Finding MY own True North: A personal acknowledgment

I've always had a certain level of openness about my life on my blog, in my classes and in my books. I want you all to know that I am a real person with real struggles and challenges. While I have figured out a lot of things, it isn't because life has come easily for me. And that's the way it is for many of you who are reading this post right now.

This past year has been one of the most difficult years of my life.

It has also been one of the most deeply healing. (I'll get to that more later in another post...)

About six years ago when I first really began repairing the ruptures in relationships in my family, I had a question. Could a marriage that wasn't in a good place be fully repaired if one person in the marriage was really dedicated to working on it? And if not, could one dedicated parent use this relationship-focused paradigm alone and have everything work out? I was asking these questions for myself, as well as for my clients who were struggling in their marriages.

In the midst of writing books on raising emotionally healthy families, I realized (again) a glaring truth. The truth was that my marriage still wasn't in a good place after six or seven years of working on it. We weren't benefitting our children with the tension between us. Actively working on our marriage had allowed us to come to understand each other better, yet we realized that we really weren't happy together. And we hadn't been happy together for a long time.

Over a period of months, we talked. We cried. We listened to each other. And finally it became clear that the best path for both of us was to separate. We did so in September, with the words, "I love you and I release you."

Since September, my energy has been going inward for my own healing process and to support my children. Even under what Ryan and I both consider fairly good circumstances, this has been exhausting and overwhelming at times. At the same time, it has also become very clear that this was the absolute right decision for all of us.

No one gets married to one day get a divorce. It was not on my radar until I simply couldn't deny the difficult place my relationship was still in after such a long time. My dedication to my family is still paramount, but Ryan and I have agreed that we can work together to parent much more effectively living in different houses.

So, for me, the answer to my question in my particular set of circumstances is that I cannot parent the way that I want to when I am living in unresolvable conflict with my partner. As much as divorce carries wounds for the children, growing up in an environment where there isn't deep love and respect in the marriage also carries its own wounds. Living apart, Ryan and I are actually able to love and respect each other more than when we were living together.

This has been a year of finding and living my true north. It hasn't been an easy year and it still presents many challenges ahead, but I know that I am living my truth. While it isn't the truth that I'd hoped and planned for, it is mine and I am grateful.

Finding YOUR own True North

I was talking to a friend about my first radio show topic, Finding Your Own True North. "How did you find your true north?" I asked. He said, "That's easy. Something tragic happens, you emerge from the fog, eventually, and suddenly everything is more clear and you know what's important and what's not." He had lost his wife suddenly a couple of years before. That kind of loss, I've seen from my clients, brings clarity when someone finds their way through to living life again.

For many of us, our parenting journey becomes a catalyst for discovering who we really are and what is important to us. My guest, Christy Farr, shared how a miscarriage at 12 weeks was the beginning of her empowerment: knowing what was important to her and then being able to take action. For me, it was choosing a midwife instead of an obstetrician when I took my first steps toward what was really true for me.

But outside of those big wake-up calls some of us have experienced directly or indirectly, how do we find our way? How do we know which decisions are right for us and our family and which decisions are not a good fit? How do we find our own True North?

True North is a directional term from the days when we used compasses to find our way. Turns out there is a difference between True North and North on a compass. A compass points to magnetic north and that changes over time. True North doesn't change, but can be harder to find. I read pages of ways to find True North if you're camping and without a compass. It reminded me a bit of those horrible math problems we all had to solve about trains traveling different directions at different speeds that just made my head spin. Some of the examples for finding True North included putting a stick in the ground, marking certain angles, standing on your head, waiting 15 minutes... And so it is with parenting and finding your own True North. Sometimes I think it is most helpful if you do some headstands and twirl around a bit to really get oriented in parenting.

In life's journey and on our journey as parents, which can be harrowing or hilly, when we know where our True North is, things are somewhat easier or at least it feels better than when we don't know our True North or are ignoring it. When we know what is important to us and we're able to voice what is important, we can more easily navigate on our day-to-day journey. But how do we know what to do?

Join me today for my very first Blogtalk Radio show where I explored this very topic with my friend and colleague, Christy Farr! You can listen to the archived version here. Show airs Wednesdays at 1pm EST (NY). You can even call in with your questions or post them in the comments section and I'll try to answer them. On the page, there is even a spot for you to chat with me and ask questions without having to pick up your phone.

So have you found your own True North? Did it take a big event in your life to make things clear or did you find your own way one small step at a time? Or maybe both? I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to add your thoughts to the comment section below.

Thanks for joining me on my latest adventure!

New Radio Show!! True North Parents Wednesdays at 1pm EST

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/truenorthparents

I've been talking about having my own radio show now for about 2 years. The time seems right and the star have aligned. And guess what?! It starts THIS week!

I'll be learning to ride the bicycle as I build the bicycle, so bear with me and my learning curve. But this is going to be good fun!

I'm going to be talking about all the topics that I struggled with as a parent (and things I'm still trying to navigate) and the things that I always wanted to sit around with my parent friends and have a good discussion about. I'll be talking about those topics I see many parents struggle with. I'll be sharing my personal stories and stories from parents who have worked their way through (and maybe some parents who are still trying to find their way...). This show is meant to be interactive and you're invited to call in to join me, share your stories, and ask your questions. Shows will be recorded and archived, so you can always listen to them later.

My show will be live Wednesdays at 1pm Eastern time (NY time). Follow this link to "follow" me on Blogtalk Radio. This is also where you'll go to listen to the show.

The first show will be THIS Wednesday, February 18 at 1pm NY time. I'll be talking about finding YOUR own authentic path and some ideas for navigating all the parenting information out there. The show will be 30 minutes long, which sounds just about right.

I hope you'll join me!

Coming up in the next few weeks on True North Parents Radio:
Wed, Feb 27- Road Blocks to True North: How we get stuck and what to do about it
Wed, March 6- Mommy Guilt: Releasing Yourself so your family can Thrive!
Wed, March 13- What is an Emotionally Healthy Family anyway? Can we get there from here?

Let me know if there is something specific you'd like to talk about, someone you'd like me to interview, or suggestions for the show please post in the comments section below. I'm working on my schedule for March and April now. Join me!

Our Real Beliefs About Connection

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Nurturing Connection through Play!!

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