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See you there!
Showing posts with label time for feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label time for feelings. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Where Healing Happens
Hello! This post has moved to our website.
You can find it here: http://consciouslyparenting.com/where-healing-happens/
See you there!
You can find it here: http://consciouslyparenting.com/where-healing-happens/
See you there!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Someone to listen... really listen
I have a lot on my plate and on my mind right now. School is starting soon and we have quite a bit of indecision going on about where our children are going to go. Well, I don't have indecision, but others in my life do. I reached a point today of being on a total red light. I was back in survival myself with my amygdala's fight, flight, or freeze response hijacking me. When I get this overwhelmed, I tend to go into a freeze mode. I've gotten much better at identifying that this is where I've gone now and working my way out of it. This is what I did.
I went outside by myself and watched the rain fall earlier this evening. I needed some time to quiet my mind and my nervous system and found the rain to be soothing. I was dozing as I sat on the patio, letting my incoherent thoughts swirl around in my brain. I focused on my breathing, taking in deep breaths- feeling my breath all the way down into my belly. I have no idea how long I was out there, but eventually my children came to find me.
When I had returned to a yellow light (emotional part of the brain, which was a step up for me from that red light), I connected with a friend I knew could really just listen to my feelings. I called her up and just let whatever needed to come out in whatever form and order it needed to come out to do just that. I'm sure it wasn't pretty, but I knew that she would be willing to do that for me. I knew that my feelings wouldn't be bothersome and that I would be safe expressing them to her.
After about 15 minutes of being on the phone with her, I started to feel better. I had been heard. I had been listened to and embraced. And I was now back on a green light (regulated and calm), ready to return to my life and to make the decisions I needed to make to move forward. As I looked back on my earlier thoughts, they were completely irrational. With the time and the connection with my friend, I had moved out of that irrational place and back into true connection with myself and my own inner guidance.
This is what our children need when they are upset. They need someone to listen to them... really listen to them. They can make it back to that regulated place when someone invests the time in them to listen to their feelings without trying to make it better or to explain to them why they shouldn't feel that way. Try it with your child and see how it goes. And let me know! And if you haven't had this experience, find a wise friend who can listen to your feelings. This is how healing happens for parents and for children!
I went outside by myself and watched the rain fall earlier this evening. I needed some time to quiet my mind and my nervous system and found the rain to be soothing. I was dozing as I sat on the patio, letting my incoherent thoughts swirl around in my brain. I focused on my breathing, taking in deep breaths- feeling my breath all the way down into my belly. I have no idea how long I was out there, but eventually my children came to find me.
When I had returned to a yellow light (emotional part of the brain, which was a step up for me from that red light), I connected with a friend I knew could really just listen to my feelings. I called her up and just let whatever needed to come out in whatever form and order it needed to come out to do just that. I'm sure it wasn't pretty, but I knew that she would be willing to do that for me. I knew that my feelings wouldn't be bothersome and that I would be safe expressing them to her.
After about 15 minutes of being on the phone with her, I started to feel better. I had been heard. I had been listened to and embraced. And I was now back on a green light (regulated and calm), ready to return to my life and to make the decisions I needed to make to move forward. As I looked back on my earlier thoughts, they were completely irrational. With the time and the connection with my friend, I had moved out of that irrational place and back into true connection with myself and my own inner guidance.
This is what our children need when they are upset. They need someone to listen to them... really listen to them. They can make it back to that regulated place when someone invests the time in them to listen to their feelings without trying to make it better or to explain to them why they shouldn't feel that way. Try it with your child and see how it goes. And let me know! And if you haven't had this experience, find a wise friend who can listen to your feelings. This is how healing happens for parents and for children!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Time for feelings
I was teaching the Connection Parenting teleclass last night and shared an example from my own life of a time my son wouldn't get in the car seat that happened several years ago. I had tried everything and even ended up forcing my son into the seat because we "needed to go." This felt so wrong on every level, but in that moment I was doing the best I could do. I drove for a few minutes with him screaming and then just stopped the car. I took the time to be with him, to acknowledge his feelings, and apologized to him for making him get in the seat. He calmed down, willingly got back into the car seat and we went on our way peacefully. From that experience, I decided it was better to spend the time connecting than to get my way and have him get into the car seat right that second. Nothing mattered more than the relationship. It didn't matter if I was late, really. Nothing was more important than our relationship. If he needed to have some time for his feelings, I would just plan for it.
Some of the class participants kept saying that they were in a hurry and didn't have time to stop to deal with the feelings. I certainly understand having time limits and outside obligations. And I used to put those things first. I guess some of my willingness to let go comes from my Cuban friend who taught me about "Cuban time." She would say, "I am going to be leaving the house at 7." 7 would come and go. She would be milling around the house, getting a bite to eat... not leaving. And the world didn't fall apart like I thought it would if we didn't leave by 7! I wondered what would happen if I had this attitude with my children? Where did this idea come from that we don't have time for our children because we have to be somewhere? We've made this whole thing up and put all of this external pressure on ourselves and it isn't good for relationship and it isn't good for our children.
I didn't go to the extreme of adopting a "Cuban time" lifestyle, but I let go of the pressure I was putting on myself to be there at that certain time AND I started building extra time into my schedule to allow for those setbacks so that I could still be on time. Most of the time, we were able to handle minor difficulties without it ever getting to the point of actually being late. I drive my son to school each morning and go back and get him in the afternoon. It is important that we are on time. However, we plan to be there 20 minutes early (as my older son likes) and then plan to be in the car an extra 10 minutes early. Is this time I could sleep? Yes. Is it worth it to stay in bed longer? No. Having that extra cushion means that it would take a major catastrophe to end up being late. It means that I can relax and just be present with my children without the need to rush them most of the time. A calm parent helps children to be calm, too.
So one morning recently, my 5 year old was having a very hard time. I had gotten him into the car and he melted down about something else. We didn't have the time that morning to wait any longer, but that didn't mean that I needed to ignore him. I spoke to him in the car, extended my hand into the back seat with him and held his hand, and told him how sorry I was that we weren't able to just stop. After a few minutes, he calmed down and we had a pleasant car ride. We ended up laughing and joking with each other. Amazing how quickly the tide turned. It doesn't mean that we never set limits because we plan on that extra time for feelings. Sometimes we need to say no. Sometimes it can't be what they need in that moment. But we still need to acknowledge our child and his feelings. There is nothing more important than relationship! Nothing.
It is interesting to note after several years of taking this approach that most of the time those things that start out as something that could turn into a huge meltdown don't. By allowing the time and decreasing my own stress, it allows me to be more fully emotionally present with my child because I'm not worrying about what will happen if I don't get him in the car in the next 5 minutes. What my son needs at that time is for me to be fully present with him. When that need is met, he is able to move through it on his own and is then ready to do what we need to do. It is somewhat of a paradox. Let go of the outcome and things will probably work out better than if you struggled to control the outcome.
A little extra time can make all the difference. Try it and let me know how it goes.
Some of the class participants kept saying that they were in a hurry and didn't have time to stop to deal with the feelings. I certainly understand having time limits and outside obligations. And I used to put those things first. I guess some of my willingness to let go comes from my Cuban friend who taught me about "Cuban time." She would say, "I am going to be leaving the house at 7." 7 would come and go. She would be milling around the house, getting a bite to eat... not leaving. And the world didn't fall apart like I thought it would if we didn't leave by 7! I wondered what would happen if I had this attitude with my children? Where did this idea come from that we don't have time for our children because we have to be somewhere? We've made this whole thing up and put all of this external pressure on ourselves and it isn't good for relationship and it isn't good for our children.
I didn't go to the extreme of adopting a "Cuban time" lifestyle, but I let go of the pressure I was putting on myself to be there at that certain time AND I started building extra time into my schedule to allow for those setbacks so that I could still be on time. Most of the time, we were able to handle minor difficulties without it ever getting to the point of actually being late. I drive my son to school each morning and go back and get him in the afternoon. It is important that we are on time. However, we plan to be there 20 minutes early (as my older son likes) and then plan to be in the car an extra 10 minutes early. Is this time I could sleep? Yes. Is it worth it to stay in bed longer? No. Having that extra cushion means that it would take a major catastrophe to end up being late. It means that I can relax and just be present with my children without the need to rush them most of the time. A calm parent helps children to be calm, too.
So one morning recently, my 5 year old was having a very hard time. I had gotten him into the car and he melted down about something else. We didn't have the time that morning to wait any longer, but that didn't mean that I needed to ignore him. I spoke to him in the car, extended my hand into the back seat with him and held his hand, and told him how sorry I was that we weren't able to just stop. After a few minutes, he calmed down and we had a pleasant car ride. We ended up laughing and joking with each other. Amazing how quickly the tide turned. It doesn't mean that we never set limits because we plan on that extra time for feelings. Sometimes we need to say no. Sometimes it can't be what they need in that moment. But we still need to acknowledge our child and his feelings. There is nothing more important than relationship! Nothing.
It is interesting to note after several years of taking this approach that most of the time those things that start out as something that could turn into a huge meltdown don't. By allowing the time and decreasing my own stress, it allows me to be more fully emotionally present with my child because I'm not worrying about what will happen if I don't get him in the car in the next 5 minutes. What my son needs at that time is for me to be fully present with him. When that need is met, he is able to move through it on his own and is then ready to do what we need to do. It is somewhat of a paradox. Let go of the outcome and things will probably work out better than if you struggled to control the outcome.
A little extra time can make all the difference. Try it and let me know how it goes.
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