We’ve been
talking about staying connected with our kids as they grow in my parenting support classes for parents of teens and tweens. Parents want to support their growing kids to become interdependent adults who are aware of themselves and their needs and
are aware of others around them.
You know, we want to raise the kid who notices when your
hands are full and it might be helpful for him to hold the door open for you or
to grab a bag to help? Or the ones who can take responsibility for their own choices.
Self-reflection gets the ball rolling. When they can
connect with how it feels for them, they can connect with how it might feel for
someone else. When they notice what something is like for them, they're more likely to ask what needs to happen next or what they can change.
But how do we get started?
The tips below are especially important
as kids enter middle childhood, pre-adolescence and teen years, but you can
practice when they’re little, too. Especially number one!!
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| Photo Credit: Flickr, Seattle Municipal Archives |
1. Start with you. This ability to self-reflect,
to know what one needs, starts with us and then with our relationship with our
kids. Start with yourself.
I asked my parents in the last round of support classes to
self-reflect and share what they noticed about themselves. These were actual
examples parents shared in our classes last month:
“I stayed up too late playing on Facebook and now I’m tired
today.”
“I ate potato chips and chocolate for lunch and now I am
having difficulty focusing.” (That one
was mine…lol. Similar ones were shared by the parents in the class.)
“I went to a Kickboxing class and feel so energized today!”
"I had some alone time to actually read a book today! Ahhhh... I needed that."
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| Photo credit: Pixabay |
2.
Share
what you observe about yourself with your kids. As we, as parents, begin to
pay attention to what makes us feel good and not so good, we can share that
with our kids out loud. As you begin to share those things out loud, your kids
will naturally start considering them, especially
if there isn’t any pressure from you.
Just share what you notice about yourself with your kids in
casual conversation. Share when it worked for you (“I feel so great after I
went for a run this morning!”) and when it didn’t (“I didn’t get outside
yesterday at all and I’m noticing I have less energy today.”).
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| Photo Credit: Pexels
3. Begin asking your kids what things feel
like for them. Don’t expect them to answer, but be open to a conversation
if they’d like to share. The key here is to help them to learn for themselves
when something is working for them and when it’s not working, rather than
having you or another outside force make that decision for them. Try questions
like these:
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“I wonder what it
feels like for you when you stay up too late at night? How do you feel the next
day? You don’t have to answer me, but I’m happy to listen if you’d like to
share.”
“I noticed you had a
hard time getting to sleep last night. Did anything you did or didn’t do
earlier in the day make it harder to get to sleep? I know sometimes when I have
a hard day, I didn’t get enough exercise, or I’m thinking about something that
happened earlier that I have a hard time falling asleep. You don’t have to
answer me, but I’m happy to listen if you’d like to share.”
Kids need to learn to pay attention to themselves so they
can learn what they need, but they need
us to start asking those questions without the expectation of an answer.
This isn’t telling them that they stayed up too late and now you’re grounding
them. This is encouraging them to become responsible for themselves by
connecting with themselves. That’s a totally different thing.
We want them to be responsible, empathetic and observant. We
want our kids to get to know themselves. For some kids (and adults), knowing
what things are like for them and what they need is brand new. Take some time and play with it for yourself in your own life.
Introduce the idea to your kids and encourage them to notice things about
themselves and see what happens.
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I’d love to hear what you notice when you start paying more
attention to this for yourself and for them. What happens? How does it feel? Do
you notice your kids taking more responsibility? Please share!
More parenting support classes are starting soon! We're running a class for Consciously Parenting Couples (to help parents stay connected as partners), Consciously Parenting Children with Special Needs, and another class for parents with kiddos between the ages of 5-9. Classes start the week of Monday, Feb. 6! As of this writing, only 3 spots remain in each class. Click each class name above for more information and to join!
