I must confess that when I started September with a focus on taking good care of myself, I was secretly hoping that this month would good. Fun, even. Sure, I'd have days that were challenging for me, but going at a slower pace and nurturing myself would really help to off-set the yuck I'd encountered in the past. I know that I've really needed to nurture myself and I was hoping that if I would just take the time to acknowledge what this month is really like for me, all would be swell.
Reality check.
I had days where I felt totally lost. Times when I just wanted to sit and cry (and sometimes did). Moments where I just wanted someone to be with me so that I could tell my story. Again. For the millionth time. Days where I didn't seem to remember what day it was. Days where I had such high hopes for what I would accomplish with my business when the reality was that all I had really accomplished that day was that I cleaned the front room. And I don't love cleaning. But it was easier than trying to focus on words. Easier than trying to focus on putting together a newsletter. Or responding to emails. Or trying to figure out my schedule for the week.
Funny- I've always really prided myself on being fairly balanced between my right brain (creative, intuitive, emotional) and my left brain (analytical, linear- after all, my father is an engineer). But toward the end of September, I realize that I was living in my right brain.
In the past, I probably would have worked hard to get out of this place. To "move on" and "get over it," but I suspect there is a reason this happens and a lesson here that still needs to be learned. So I'm working to allow it. I'm working to shift my expectations for myself. And to be gentle with myself.
After my baby Jacob died, my expectation was that I would have a time of mourning and so would the other members of my family. I expected that Zack, who was almost 4 at the time, would have an adjustment time and would need to talk about what had happened. But after a few months, at the most, we would be moving on and it would be behind us. I didn't expect that years later, we would still be trying to move through it. I didn't fully understand that Zack's grief wasn't going to come out in words, but through his behaviors. And I didn't understand his behaviors at the time. I didn't know what he was trying to say to me.
Eventually my expectations shifted. I needed him to be where he was. It was only when I slowed down to meet him where he was that we found connection again. And I realize that, in 2010, I need to allow myself to be where I am. This is how I can connect with myself again, too. This doesn't mean that I cannot hold the vision of a future of connection and wholeness, but I must first acknowledge where I actually am in this moment.
So even though September wasn't what I expected- a joyful celebration of taking good care of myself and all would be well- it is just what I needed it to be. I've enjoyed the slower pace and I've learned a lot about what I really need every day to be happy and healthy.
I think we all have Septembers in our lives- you know, those times when we just want it all to be fine, to "move on" or just "get over it." But when our feelings doesn't match our expectations, we're disappointed or frustrated with ourselves. Or our children. We spend a great deal of time and effort trying to just keep moving forward, when what we really need is to just be where we are. To slow down or stop. To have another cup of tea. To get together with a friend. To talk about what is really going on with us right now. Even if it is uncomfortable. Even if it isn't fun. We won't be there forever. Eventually, it will be October.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
30 Day Challenge, Day 21: Finding the Gifts
I don't know how it is for you in your life right now, but I have to say that I am seeing a lot of people having a very hard time right now. Lots of death, tragedy, and general unsettling news seems to be floating in the air all around us. And I'm not watching the news or reading the paper. A neighbor just informed me of her pending divorce. An elderly friend suddenly died last week. Someone else I know suffered a massive stroke and didn't make it. And now, of all things, my kitten has fleas!
Today is the anniversary of my son, Jacob's, death. He died of anencephaly a few hours after he was born 8 years ago today. When I was going through the uncertainty of that pregnancy, a book ended up in my hands entitled "In the Flow of Life" by Eric Butterworth (copyright 1982). The book is yellowed on the spine and stained on the cover- definitely well-loved before it ever came into my hands. As I was flipping through the book this morning, I opened to a passage I read frequently during the time I knew something might be wrong with my baby:
"If you are faced with a challenge, refuse to be panic-stricken. Life has not ended for you. Life flows on. Declare for yourself: I accept the reality of this situation, but not its permanence. Certainly there is no point in hiding your head in the sand. The experience is there to be met. Determine that you will meet it, but on your terms. Do not let the outer happening squeeze you into its box, but open your mind to the flow of wisdom, love, and good judgment by which you can deal masterfully with it. Stand tall as you affirm: I meet this circumstance in complete confidence that He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world. I do not deny its reality, but I deny its permanence. I know that this, too, shall pass away."
And it was true. Here I am 8 years later. I do not deny its reality, but I can see clearly that it wasn't a permanent situation. And somehow, I did manage to open myself to the flow of wisdom and love to have as many choices as I could regarding his birth. He was born at home surrounded by loved ones. And he was held for his entire life. How many of us are half that lucky?
But even more than navigating through his birth and death, I now understand that this situation was to become the catalyst for me to have a deeper understanding of myself and of my oldest son. And then my son, Josh, who came 15 months later. And to understand what happens in a family when something overwhelming happens and how we can all navigate it together to become better and stronger than we were before. Jacob brought with him many, many lessons. And those lessons were the hardest ones of my life. But I am grateful that he was here. At the time, I marveled how much such a short life could have such a great impact on so many people. And that was just the beginning.
I founded The Consciously Parenting Project and launched our website 3 years ago today in memory of Jacob. It seemed like a much better place to put the energy that still remained from that experience to help others and make a difference in the world. Somehow, I know that Jacob would have wanted it that way.
So if you are facing a challenge today, maybe you'll find some peace in Eric Butterworth's words. Or maybe you have some ideas of your own that you'd like to share with us. We all have our losses. We all have our challenges in parenting and in our lives. We may not have a choice in what happens, but we always have choices regarding how we handle it. Is it a tragedy or is it an opportunity? What story will we tell years from now about this time or this event? And can we find the strength to find our way from the place of pain (which we have a right to be in for a while) to that place of recognizing the gifts?
Today, I nurtured myself as I remembered Jacob's life and his gifts. And I am grateful.
Today is the anniversary of my son, Jacob's, death. He died of anencephaly a few hours after he was born 8 years ago today. When I was going through the uncertainty of that pregnancy, a book ended up in my hands entitled "In the Flow of Life" by Eric Butterworth (copyright 1982). The book is yellowed on the spine and stained on the cover- definitely well-loved before it ever came into my hands. As I was flipping through the book this morning, I opened to a passage I read frequently during the time I knew something might be wrong with my baby:
"If you are faced with a challenge, refuse to be panic-stricken. Life has not ended for you. Life flows on. Declare for yourself: I accept the reality of this situation, but not its permanence. Certainly there is no point in hiding your head in the sand. The experience is there to be met. Determine that you will meet it, but on your terms. Do not let the outer happening squeeze you into its box, but open your mind to the flow of wisdom, love, and good judgment by which you can deal masterfully with it. Stand tall as you affirm: I meet this circumstance in complete confidence that He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world. I do not deny its reality, but I deny its permanence. I know that this, too, shall pass away."
And it was true. Here I am 8 years later. I do not deny its reality, but I can see clearly that it wasn't a permanent situation. And somehow, I did manage to open myself to the flow of wisdom and love to have as many choices as I could regarding his birth. He was born at home surrounded by loved ones. And he was held for his entire life. How many of us are half that lucky?
But even more than navigating through his birth and death, I now understand that this situation was to become the catalyst for me to have a deeper understanding of myself and of my oldest son. And then my son, Josh, who came 15 months later. And to understand what happens in a family when something overwhelming happens and how we can all navigate it together to become better and stronger than we were before. Jacob brought with him many, many lessons. And those lessons were the hardest ones of my life. But I am grateful that he was here. At the time, I marveled how much such a short life could have such a great impact on so many people. And that was just the beginning.
I founded The Consciously Parenting Project and launched our website 3 years ago today in memory of Jacob. It seemed like a much better place to put the energy that still remained from that experience to help others and make a difference in the world. Somehow, I know that Jacob would have wanted it that way.
So if you are facing a challenge today, maybe you'll find some peace in Eric Butterworth's words. Or maybe you have some ideas of your own that you'd like to share with us. We all have our losses. We all have our challenges in parenting and in our lives. We may not have a choice in what happens, but we always have choices regarding how we handle it. Is it a tragedy or is it an opportunity? What story will we tell years from now about this time or this event? And can we find the strength to find our way from the place of pain (which we have a right to be in for a while) to that place of recognizing the gifts?
Today, I nurtured myself as I remembered Jacob's life and his gifts. And I am grateful.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
30 Day Challenge: Day 15- Half way mark!
Today is September 15 and that means that September is half over. How have you done nurturing yourself every day for the first 15 days of the month? I'm feeling like nurturing myself is becoming more of a habit and I find that I am not needing to think about it as much as I did on days 1-7. I have enjoyed reading a book while I ate my breakfast (which I never do!), I've been going outside for a walk every morning before it gets too hot, and I've been decluttering my home and letting go of those things and situations that I no longer need in my life. I'm even thinking about going to see a movie (Eat, Pray, Love) during the day while my family is at school. Someone I know mentioned doing that yesterday and she was just beaming. I've already seen the movie (and so had she), but it was something I hadn't even considered doing. Happy to add that to my list!
I have to confess that this has been the best September that I remember (so far). I've been much more aware of what nurtures me and what doesn't. I've also taken the work of Ray Castellino and Mary Jackson and applied it to my life. They teach slowing down, taking pauses. When I went to California at the end of June to work with them on a project (watch for our upcoming series on Infant and Toddler Sleep later this month, which is about WAY more than just sleep!), they worked in a way that was very respectful of their own needs. We took breaks to snack, nap, to go outside to walk, to sing, to just be. I usually just work and work and work until I'm exhausted, so this was really different for me. It felt really good.
This month, I'm striving to apply that to my own work life. I get up in the morning and get my family off to work and school (together to a great school, which I love). Then I go outside for a walk while it is still cool. I come back and make myself breakfast, then clean up something in the house (today I tackled the laundry couch). Then I shower and change before coming into my office to work. I take breaks for snacks and food as necessary, or just to play with my kitten. It feels really great to go at a pace that respects my body. I'm getting a LOT done- way more than I thought I would if I was taking all those breaks!
Try it for yourself and see what happens. What would happen if you allowed yourself to slow down and to take pauses to take care of yourself throughout the day instead of waiting until you HAD to take a break? Try it and let me know. I'd love to hear from you!
I have to confess that this has been the best September that I remember (so far). I've been much more aware of what nurtures me and what doesn't. I've also taken the work of Ray Castellino and Mary Jackson and applied it to my life. They teach slowing down, taking pauses. When I went to California at the end of June to work with them on a project (watch for our upcoming series on Infant and Toddler Sleep later this month, which is about WAY more than just sleep!), they worked in a way that was very respectful of their own needs. We took breaks to snack, nap, to go outside to walk, to sing, to just be. I usually just work and work and work until I'm exhausted, so this was really different for me. It felt really good.
This month, I'm striving to apply that to my own work life. I get up in the morning and get my family off to work and school (together to a great school, which I love). Then I go outside for a walk while it is still cool. I come back and make myself breakfast, then clean up something in the house (today I tackled the laundry couch). Then I shower and change before coming into my office to work. I take breaks for snacks and food as necessary, or just to play with my kitten. It feels really great to go at a pace that respects my body. I'm getting a LOT done- way more than I thought I would if I was taking all those breaks!
Try it for yourself and see what happens. What would happen if you allowed yourself to slow down and to take pauses to take care of yourself throughout the day instead of waiting until you HAD to take a break? Try it and let me know. I'd love to hear from you!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
30 Day Challenge, Day 14: Cleaning Our (Emotional) Closets
Last Friday, as you may recall, I had a dream that suggested my closet was a good place to start with my physical and emotional letting go and to release what was no longer needed in my life. I hemmed and hawed, but finally managed to get myself into my closet (after thoroughly enjoying a little video on procrastination posted by a friend on Facebook). It was overwhelming for me, but I knew it just had to be done. And if I didn't do it, no one was going to do it for me.
I knew I needed to sort through clothing, so I picked an "easy" place to start- clothes that I had already sorted and knew didn't work for me. All I needed to do was pull them out and put them into the bag. Instant gratification. I had started! Feeling slightly more confident now that I had accomplished something, I went in to tackle more stuff.
What I didn't realize was just how right I was about the emotional letting go that needed to happen and that it was going to happen in the closet! As I pulled out more stuff, I came across reminders of people who were no longer in my life who needed to be released- several shirts, books, gifts, memory boxes. I thought I was cleaning out my closet, but found that I was literally cleaning out my emotional closet, too. And not only was I making the conscious decision to release these items (or not), but I was also making a decision about whether or not I was willing to let go of the emotional pain of these situations, people, or circumstances.
As I set aside the things that needed to be released, I realized that I was also letting go of the emotional baggage I had been carrying with me for so long. I didn't need all of these reminders of people who had hurt me or of the negative events from my past. I can acknowledge what happened, love each person and situation, and let them go. I don't need all this stuff holding me down.
As I finished the work in my closet, I realized that I had done way more than tidy it up. I felt like I was stepping forward into a new reality- one that didn't include all that clutter from the past. I felt free!
Have you been able to let go of things you no longer need or that no longer serve you? I'd love to hear about it! I'm going to keep going with this project, so I'll let you know how it is going for me!
I knew I needed to sort through clothing, so I picked an "easy" place to start- clothes that I had already sorted and knew didn't work for me. All I needed to do was pull them out and put them into the bag. Instant gratification. I had started! Feeling slightly more confident now that I had accomplished something, I went in to tackle more stuff.
What I didn't realize was just how right I was about the emotional letting go that needed to happen and that it was going to happen in the closet! As I pulled out more stuff, I came across reminders of people who were no longer in my life who needed to be released- several shirts, books, gifts, memory boxes. I thought I was cleaning out my closet, but found that I was literally cleaning out my emotional closet, too. And not only was I making the conscious decision to release these items (or not), but I was also making a decision about whether or not I was willing to let go of the emotional pain of these situations, people, or circumstances.
As I set aside the things that needed to be released, I realized that I was also letting go of the emotional baggage I had been carrying with me for so long. I didn't need all of these reminders of people who had hurt me or of the negative events from my past. I can acknowledge what happened, love each person and situation, and let them go. I don't need all this stuff holding me down.
As I finished the work in my closet, I realized that I had done way more than tidy it up. I felt like I was stepping forward into a new reality- one that didn't include all that clutter from the past. I felt free!
Have you been able to let go of things you no longer need or that no longer serve you? I'd love to hear about it! I'm going to keep going with this project, so I'll let you know how it is going for me!
Friday, September 10, 2010
30 Day Challenge, Day 10: Letting Go
Last night, I dreamed of cleaning. Now, you have to understand that cleaning is not my forte. In fact, I often remark that I have read the book Confessions of an Organized Homemaker by Deniece Schofield 22 times. And I'm not making up that number! Each time I've read it, I've gotten more great ideas and I'm reminded to compare only to where I've been and not compare to someone else. However, the author, or some other cleaning fairy, has never shown up at my house to actually do that work. I work very hard to stay caught up, but I know this isn't one of my...gifts. So my gift to myself today (and I suspect for the rest of the month, too) is going to be decluttering. Simplifying. Letting go. I think that's perfect for a month that in the past has been defined, at least subconsciously, by loss. And loss implies that I did not choose it. Letting go is a shift in my words. I choose to let go of that which I no longer need in my life. I suspect that this letting go process will be about more than just the physical stuff that I've collected, but rather also about letting go of resentments, unfulfilled expectations, and the feeling of being a victim with no choice in what happened to me. Instead, I will embrace forgiveness, acceptance, and peace.
But I know that I cannot simply jump ahead to the forgiveness, the acceptance, and the peace without first doing the work. Just as the clutter in my closets isn't going to clean out by itself, I need to be an active participant in this process. I need to be proactive. As with the physical clutter in my house, so it is with my own personal work: I need to go in and take a look around at what I'm still holding on to so that I can let go of what no longer serves me. This is a place I have visited many times in the past, but I am ready to go deeper now. I am ready to let go.
What are you holding on to? Physical stuff? Emotional stuff? Are you ready to nurture yourself by letting it go?
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
30 Day Challenge, Day 7: Finding a Nurturing Community
I have been a full time at-home parent of one or more children non-stop for the past 11 1/2 years. I have worked at home with my children, I have homeschooled, I have done volunteer jobs that I could do with my children (like La Leche League and my work for Attachment Parenting International), and I have had stretches of time where I have been dedicated only to parenting and keeping up with the children and (trying to keep up with) the house. I have looked for "my" time in the crevices in those times when I had very little support from others. Most of the time, I was on my own with my kids while my husband was away at work.
I love my kids dearly. I wouldn't have traded any of that 11 1/2 years with my kids for anything. I have no regrets with regards to being home with my kids. I don't look back wishing that I had been off at work instead or wishing that I had put them down in their beds when they were sleeping so that I could "go get something else done." When my son went off to 1st grade today for the first time without hesitation, I knew that we had crossed a metaphorical bridge together. All that time that I was home with them was an investment. All those hours holding and rocking made him ready to go be on his own, rather than it being something that he just had to endure. There's a real difference when a child is truly ready to do something, as opposed to when an adult has decided it is time.
But if I were to find one regret, it would be that I didn't realize the value and importance of surrounding myself with a nurturing community. It wasn't that I was a hermit parent who never took the kids out to see the light of day. In fact, we had lots of friends and I was usually working on creating some sort of parenting group to have someone interesting to talk to who understood my cloth diapering dilemma or a conversation about my latest co-sleeping challenge. Or someone to just talk about what it was really like to be a parent so that I didn't feel so alone.
We all need that. We all need someone who "gets" us. Who understands that we're going to have good days and we're going to have bad days. Do you have that for yourself? Do you use your nurturing community to support you? How did you find those others who support you as a parent? I'd love to hear!
Today, on my "baby's" first day of 1st grade, I went out to Starbucks with some friends to talk about parenting and what I'd really like to see happen in the world. It was divine. How have you chosen to nurture yourself today?
I love my kids dearly. I wouldn't have traded any of that 11 1/2 years with my kids for anything. I have no regrets with regards to being home with my kids. I don't look back wishing that I had been off at work instead or wishing that I had put them down in their beds when they were sleeping so that I could "go get something else done." When my son went off to 1st grade today for the first time without hesitation, I knew that we had crossed a metaphorical bridge together. All that time that I was home with them was an investment. All those hours holding and rocking made him ready to go be on his own, rather than it being something that he just had to endure. There's a real difference when a child is truly ready to do something, as opposed to when an adult has decided it is time.
But if I were to find one regret, it would be that I didn't realize the value and importance of surrounding myself with a nurturing community. It wasn't that I was a hermit parent who never took the kids out to see the light of day. In fact, we had lots of friends and I was usually working on creating some sort of parenting group to have someone interesting to talk to who understood my cloth diapering dilemma or a conversation about my latest co-sleeping challenge. Or someone to just talk about what it was really like to be a parent so that I didn't feel so alone.
We all need that. We all need someone who "gets" us. Who understands that we're going to have good days and we're going to have bad days. Do you have that for yourself? Do you use your nurturing community to support you? How did you find those others who support you as a parent? I'd love to hear!
Today, on my "baby's" first day of 1st grade, I went out to Starbucks with some friends to talk about parenting and what I'd really like to see happen in the world. It was divine. How have you chosen to nurture yourself today?
Monday, September 6, 2010
30 Day Challenge: Day 6- 1-5 minute Nurturing
I think we have the impression that we have to set aside a long period of time to nurture ourselves. Many of us feel that if I can't go away for a weekend or have a several hour block of time to do what I want, then it isn't worth the effort. While that longer block of time is important every now and then, we can accomplish quite a bit in just a few minutes.
Several years ago, a friend gave me a CD entitled One Minute Meditations. They were really short and sweet, but well done. My first impression was, "What can I really accomplish in just one minute?" Seriously. But I decided that I had nothing to lose. So, I created an intention to listen to one during the day at some point. I found a quiet place, closed my eyes and listened to the audio. Yes, it was short, but I did feel just a little more refreshed by taking the time and making the effort. And it literally only took 1 minute!
Another friend, Carmine Leo, suggested taking time every morning and every evening- just 10 minutes each- and sitting quietly, clearing my mind and breathing normally. When I did this in the morning, I felt really centered and ready to start my day. I don't think I ever managed to stay awake for the whole 10 minutes at bedtime. But even taking 5 minutes in the morning just sitting still made a big difference in my ability to start the day from a positive place.
I've also been using Janet Conner's Writing Down Your Soul process of writing really fast for the past several years, as well. I am practiced enough at using this technique to get answers in just a few minutes of writing. This is about accessing the theta brainwave state, which is a very relaxed state. Once you learn how to do it, it can be done in just a few minutes!
No matter what works for you, I'd encourage you to take that couple of minutes no matter when it happens and do something nurturing for yourself. It does add up and it does make a difference!
So what do you do when you only have a few minutes? Any suggestions for other parents?
Several years ago, a friend gave me a CD entitled One Minute Meditations. They were really short and sweet, but well done. My first impression was, "What can I really accomplish in just one minute?" Seriously. But I decided that I had nothing to lose. So, I created an intention to listen to one during the day at some point. I found a quiet place, closed my eyes and listened to the audio. Yes, it was short, but I did feel just a little more refreshed by taking the time and making the effort. And it literally only took 1 minute!
Another friend, Carmine Leo, suggested taking time every morning and every evening- just 10 minutes each- and sitting quietly, clearing my mind and breathing normally. When I did this in the morning, I felt really centered and ready to start my day. I don't think I ever managed to stay awake for the whole 10 minutes at bedtime. But even taking 5 minutes in the morning just sitting still made a big difference in my ability to start the day from a positive place.
I've also been using Janet Conner's Writing Down Your Soul process of writing really fast for the past several years, as well. I am practiced enough at using this technique to get answers in just a few minutes of writing. This is about accessing the theta brainwave state, which is a very relaxed state. Once you learn how to do it, it can be done in just a few minutes!
No matter what works for you, I'd encourage you to take that couple of minutes no matter when it happens and do something nurturing for yourself. It does add up and it does make a difference!
So what do you do when you only have a few minutes? Any suggestions for other parents?
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