"I'm here to bring hope," said my 10 year-old

I spent the weekend thinking deeply about my life’s purpose, immersed in Oprah’s Live the Life You Want weekend in Miami. I came home and was sharing some of my experiences with a friend on the phone when I noticed my son was listening intently. He’ll be 11 next month and has always been a deep and sensitive soul, especially with me.  

I was sharing that Oprah began with the words, “Why are you here? What are you here to do in this life?”

My son looked into my eyes and said, “I know why I’m here.”

I stopped my conversation. That’s the kind of thing that completely gets your full attention as a parent.  I paused and said, “You do? Tell me why you are here.”

“I’m here to bring hope.”

 My heart swelled. What a statement for anyone, let alone a 10 year-old. I waited and he continued.

“When Jacob died, you needed hope. And when I was born, I gave you hope. So I know I’m here to bring hope.”

He was right.  He was conceived 5 months after my baby, Jacob, had died from a fatal birth defect. I was ready to try again and I felt confident that things would be ok this time around, yet I was still grieving. My whole world was shaken to the core. I didn’t know how anyone could really recover from such a loss. I felt like there would always be a giant gaping hole in my heart that would never be better. I continued to do my own work before and during (and well after) the pregnancy with him, but he certainly grew in the sadness I was experiencing, along with the waves of fear that things might not be all right.

We’ve talked about his birth. We’ve talked about the baby brother he never knew who came before him.  We’ve talked about how much I wanted to have him and how loved he was and always will be. But I had forgotten the story I had told him about hope. But he hadn’t.

I believe it was Oprah this weekend who said, “Hope is the simple belief that things can change. Despair is that tomorrow will be another version of today.”

I needed things to change. I needed to believe my body could have a healthy baby. I needed to know in my heart that I wouldn’t always be shrouded in a cloud of grief. I needed to see the beauty in every day moments. Honestly, it would have been easy to just have thrown my hands up in the air, curled into a ball and never look up again- except that I had another child already, a little boy who was 3 1/2 who needed me. And so I got up and made breakfast instead of staying in bed on those cold Indiana winter days while it rained or snowed or was just dark and grey outside. And, true to my nature, I searched for answers so that tomorrow wouldn’t be the same as today.

These moments always contain choices. We can be defined by the sadness of the story or the hope. We can allow something that happens to us to be the reason we stop trying or the reason why we must propel ourselves forward. Every situation, no matter how dire it seems, contains the opportunity for defining ourselves and our path forward. And we have the opportunity with our children to help them define their own stories as a hero’s journey, no matter what happened by the stories we tell to them.

We can rewrite those stories so that we are the hero. We can rewrite those stories so that they define us in ways that help us to grow. And we can begin doing that today.

I’m here to bring you hope. Hope for you. Hope for your family. 

"Because it is always darkest before the dawn and the sun always rises." Oprah

Sunrise pictures courtesy from my Facebook friends. Thanks all!

Sunrise in Satellite Beach, FL, courtesy Kim Bannister

Sunrise over Albuquerque, NM, courtesy of Deborah Barkoff

Sunrise in Clearwater (entitled, When You Wake Up on Red!) courtesy of Susan Stroemel Graham

Sunrise in NY from a bus, courtesy Clare Uppenbrink

Sunrise Satellite Beach, FL, courtesy of Kim Bannister

Sunrise Punta Gorda, FL, courtesy of Cecilia Wilhelm

South Nevada in August, courtesy Teresa Lewis Lass

Want to connect more with me:

Phone, Skype or in-person sessions in Palm Harbor, FL (email me at rebecca @ consciouslyparenting (dot) com without spaces and putting a period for the dot to make it a real email address.

You can also join my new Academy, where you can find relationship-focused ways of solving your biggest parenting and relationship challenges, from couples to conception to teens, as well as those other decisions you need to make consciously for your family like alternative health, conscious living- schooling, minimalism, food, etc., and special circumstances, like loss, divorce, etc. Join us here. 

Consciously Parenting Academy: Real Challenges. Real Relationships. Real Solutions with Heart.

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A Gift for YOU as Consciously Parenting Celebrates 7 Years

The Consciously Parenting Project began 7 years ago today.

Consciously Parenting was founded in loving memory of my son, Jacob, who came into the world at 10am on this date 12 years ago and passed away at noon the same day, leaving my world forever changed. Jacob was born with a birth defect incompatible with life. He was born at home by choice and spent his entire life held by those who loved him.

The struggle that followed his death far exceeded my ability to cope, though I really didn’t see that at the time. (I don’t really give up. I’m kind of stubborn when it comes to things like this…) Things went from bad to worse as my son, in his 4 year-old way, tried to bring it to my attention that I really wasn’t present with him anymore. But 4 year-olds don’t tell you nicely. They express their own struggle and hope you pick up on it.

But I didn’t. Not for a long time. I thought he was the problem.

If he would just listen to me, we would be fine. If he would just be a little more calm and patient, things would feel better for all of us.

I didn’t see his fear. I didn’t see that he just needed me to love him and comfort him. I saw no connection between his brother’s death and his current behavior. And I saw no connection between Jacob’s death and my current behavior, which I thought was ok. (ish)

Once I finally figured out that Jacob’s death had spiraled us all (after about 4 years of struggle), I had uncovered some pretty big Truths that needed to be shared. 

I knew this information could completely transform families as it had mine.

My dear friend, Lianne March, web master extraordinaire, held my hand and helped me put together the first version of Consciously Parenting. We launched on September 21, 2007 with the mission of educating families and helping them find hope and support to connect deeply with one another.

I’ve continued to have my own struggles and (luckily) I’ve continued to learn. Now I have developed a vast library of resources on a wide variety of topics, including some incredible interviews with my colleagues, classes, and lots of writing to help guide your journey out of chaos and into connection.

Thank you for being a part of The Consciously Parenting Project. Whether you just found us or you’ve been with us since 2007 when we began, thank you. Without you, we wouldn’t be here. Without your powerful stories of transformation in your families, I might forget how important this work really is for all of us. We really do need each other. I believe that’s what a community is all about.

As a thank you, this week, I’m offering free 30-minute phone or Skype consultations. Sign up this week for a time between now and middle of October by sending me an email. (rebecca @ consciouslyparenting (dot) com without the spaces and replace (dot) with .)

It is my way of saying thank you.

I’d like to hear your story. And I’d like to see what I can do to help your family feel better- more peaceful, more joyful, more connected.

Just title your email "Free 30 min session" and we’ll find a time.

This week, I’m going to be sending out some special offers to my newsletter list. You may not know how many great things we have going on here at The Consciously Parenting Project, so please allow me to share. Make sure you're signed up for my newsletter list to see all the great stuff going on this week! You can sign up below. (You can also sign up and then hit reply to the email welcoming you after you opt in and that goes straight to my inbox.)

Thank you again for being here.

Now you know why I am here. Email me and share with me what brought you here and what you're seeking. Or post in the comments. I'd love to hear.

Warmly,
Rebecca

Where Healing Happens

Hello! This post has moved to our website. 

You can find it here: http://consciouslyparenting.com/where-healing-happens/

See you there!

30 Day Challenge, Day 10: Letting Go

Last night, I dreamed of cleaning.  Now, you have to understand that cleaning is not my forte.  In fact, I often remark that I have read the book Confessions of an Organized Homemaker by Deniece Schofield 22 times.  And I'm not making up that number!  Each time I've read it, I've gotten more great ideas and I'm reminded to compare only to where I've been and not compare to someone else.  However, the author, or some other cleaning fairy, has never shown up at my house to actually do that work.  I work very hard to stay caught up, but I know this isn't one of my...gifts. 

So for me to have a dream of cleaning is more than unusual.  But more than cleaning, I was actually simplifying in my dream.  I went into my closet and it contained only the clothes that I actually wear.  There were fewer things in the house.  The words, "The more you have, the more you have to take care of" from the aforementioned book echoed in my dream.  Seems like a pretty clear sign to me!

So my gift to myself today (and I suspect for the rest of the month, too) is going to be decluttering.  Simplifying.  Letting go.  I think that's perfect for a month that in the past has been defined, at least subconsciously, by loss.  And loss implies that I did not choose it.  Letting go is a shift in my words.  I choose to let go of that which I no longer need in my life.  I suspect that this letting go process will be about more than just the physical stuff that I've collected, but rather also about letting go of resentments, unfulfilled expectations, and the feeling of being a victim with no choice in what happened to me.  Instead, I will embrace forgiveness, acceptance, and peace.

But I know that I cannot simply jump ahead to the forgiveness, the acceptance, and the peace without first doing the work.  Just as the clutter in my closets isn't going to clean out by itself, I need to be an active participant in this process.  I need to be proactive.  As with the physical clutter in my house, so it is with my own personal work: I need to go in and take a look around at what I'm still holding on to so that I can let go of what no longer serves me.  This is a place I have visited many times in the past, but I am ready to go deeper now.  I am ready to let go. 

What are you holding on to?  Physical stuff?  Emotional stuff?  Are you ready to nurture yourself by letting it go?

30 Day Challenge

In the past, September has been a rough month for me.  I have some really difficult days and have often dreaded the arrival of September 1 and pray for October 1- the day I feel like having a party.  I have lots of losses that happened in the month of September.  My baby, Jacob, who died at birth in 2002, was born on September 21.  I miscarried a baby the year before on September 30.  My cat left unexpectedly last year on September 15.  And that's just a sampling.  This tends to be the month that everything falls apart for some reason.  (Darn cellular memory!)

But this year, I've decided to do something different.  This year, I am going to make this the month that I nurture myself because that's really what I need during this time.  So my challenge to myself is to do one nice thing for myself each day of this month.  30 opportunities to nurture myself is way better than 30 days to get through to make it until October. 

So, that's my challenge.  Who's with me?

Today, I decided it was high time that I repainted my toes.  I haven't been allowing myself to take that time because I've had so many other things to do.  It is simple, but I feel better now that they aren't all chipped and grown out!

What nice thing are you going to do for yourself today?  Care to join me in my challenge?  Let me know how you're doing and what you're doing! 

Risking Love

It has been an emotional weekend here for me after I learned that one of my cousins lost her baby at 20 weeks of pregnancy. I found out early on Sunday morning- one that was particularly busy for me. Normally, I would take news like that and make my world smaller for a little while, but I had to move into my day this time. I found myself crying in the car on the way to church, wondering how I was ever going to make it through the church service. On top of that, I was in the choir and we were performing which meant I'd be right up front. Ironically, this is why I was going. Our choir is very small and they need my voice.

I went up to my minister to say good morning. As she hugged me, I said that I really needed the hug right then and she said that she did, too. I hadn't planned to elaborate, mostly because I didn't want to start crying again, but she stopped me and asked what was going on. I took a deep breath and told her what had happened.

She said that when we become mothers, our heart is then outside of our bodies. Becoming parents is always a risk. We don't know how long we'll have our "babies" with us. But it is worth it. All of the pain. All the uncertainty. It is always a risk, which we take gladly.

Having lost a baby of my own, the news of this loss really hit me hard. It was especially difficult because my cousin's baby was diagnosed with the same fatal condition as my baby was diagnosed with. I knew that I was being pulled back into the vortex of my own pain. Of decisions that I didn't want to have to make. Of knowing that my baby's birth day would also be the end of his life.

The stakes are high when becoming a parent. We risk everything. And it is messy sometimes. And still we show up. And we step outside of our own comfort level to risk love.

This risk can scare us into not stepping out at all. Or it can help us to rise to the occasion and realize how much we really do have in this very moment. I pulled my kids in tighter and embraced this moment- the only moment we ever really have.

I think it is like that for all relationships. There is always a risk. Reaching out to anyone always entails a risk. But not taking the risk means that we miss out on the greatest gifts of all. I simply cannot imagine my life without my children. Has it been hard at times? You bet. I've struggled perhaps more than I would like to admit. Was it worth it? Absolutely. I would not be who I am today without the experiences I have had thanks to my children. All of them.

Risk it all for love. It is worth it!