Reflections of a new Kindergarten Parent

Tomorrow my baby will be starting Kindergarten. I've known this day would come since he was an infant and his older brother went off to school for the first time. I suppose that is what comes to mind when I think of Kindergarten and the first day, since I don't really remember my own first day of Kindergarten. I was only 4 when I went away to school for the first time, since the state I lived in required children were 5 by the end of the year to start. But I was ready for the playing, the singing, the coloring, the stories... I remember my teacher, Ms. Hart. How could you go wrong with a Kindergarten teacher with that name?

Fast forward to when my older son went to school. I had been planning to homeschool him. After retiring as an elementary school teacher forever even before my oldest was thought of, I really didn't plan to send him. But my husband, who had staying in education, had different ideas. When my son Zack started asking to go to school, I felt I needed to give him the opportunity to try it out. We enrolled him and I chose his teacher because he had connected with her during the "testing" process to see what he already knew going into school. Before school even started, he had changed his mind and decided that he didn't want to go anymore. But we were committed now and it felt like there was no going back.

That first day was so hard... for ME! My husband went with me to drop him off, our 9 month old in tow in his sling. After our tearful goodbye at the door, my husband and I walked away hand in hand and cried some more before my husband went off to work and I went home to our quiet house with only my baby. I missed Zack terribly! We had been connected since the day he was born- before really- and we had never really been away from each other. Especially not for so many hours.

As the days and weeks passed and we went through many painful goodbyes at the door to his classroom, I began to wonder why I was doing this. I stayed true to my commitment to not throw him into the classroom crying as I had seen other parents do. I would stay until he was ready for me to leave. When he was ready, he would give me a nod and the baby and I would head home. Some days were easier than others. Some were painful from the moment his eyes opened. But his teacher was caring and always did her best to reach out to us, supporting us when she could.

So we stayed. He learned how to write and he was reading before the end of the year. His math was way ahead. But he wasn't really happy. Finally the year came to a close and summer arrived. It took a long time before he really relaxed into summer and back into the rhythm of our family's life. I started to really feel connected to him again as it drew nearer to the time that school was to begin again. That was when I felt it: a strong urge to keep him home with me. I brought it up, but it wasn't really an option. It was suggested that we just give it a try. He'll be fine.

School started again and with it came chaos. He was fine at school- a model student. But at home, it was a nightmare. He would have temper tantrums for 2-3 hours most nights. I couldn't figure it out, so I went in to observe. I was horrified to see only about 5 minutes of direct instruction during a 3 hour time block! Clearly I could do better myself.

I took my case back home to my husband and we explored our options. We finally decided that the best choice was to bring him home to homeschool, so that's what we did. Once he was home, he started to relax more and to begin to enjoy life again. But I found it curious that he was refusing to read and refusing to write. I knew it wasn't important and that eventually he would be willing to read and write again. And I was right- now he is writing very well and reading way above grade level. So what did his Kindergarten experience really do to him? He was "ready" to read and write according to the experts at the school, but was he really ready for all of that pressure? Was he ready to abandon his need to play and to be close to me or did we push him too hard, too fast? It took a lot of time and patience to undo the damage.

Now Zack willingly goes to school. Actually, he loves it. He couldn't wait to get back to it. Would he have felt that way without the break? I don't think so. He is ready for that sort of pressure now and actually enjoys it in a way that I don't think I ever really did. I'm just glad to see that he's happy after all that we went through.

So tomorrow, I start this school journey with my youngest son, Josh. I must admit, I am reluctant after my experience with his older brother. I am also very concerned about the lack of unstructured playtime in Kindergarten. After an exhaustive search, I've found the majority of schools near me are similar: early academics are the rule, rather than the exception. What happened to play? What happened to the play house and the dress up station? Painting and circle time? They seem to be casualties of this push to make our children do better on state testing.

But we're missing the point. We're missing the point that children's work is play and that there is no more powerful way to teach a child than to respect the way children learn best at the age of 5 and 6. Children who are pushed too hard, too fast, too early are more likely to diagnosed with learning problems that wouldn't exist if we simply gave them time to develop at their own pace. Teachers have also told me that they are seeing many more discipline problems than in the past, probably because Kindergarten children are facing 5 hours of academics per day with no time to play out the stress in unstructured playtime. Yes, that's right. Kindergarteners. Can you pay attention for 5 hours without a good long break to de-stress? I can't.

Teachers aren't to blame. They're all upset about it, too. When I spoke with another long-time Kindergarten teacher last year, she told me that she had finally decided to get rid of the play house in her classroom. She said with pain in her own eyes that it was just too difficult for them to look at it and not be able to play in it every day. Another Pre-K teacher said that Kindergarten teachers are giving away huge sets of very expensive wooden blocks because they don't have time to use them anymore. Something is wrong with this picture. Since when have children lost the need to play?

With all the stress in our society today, children's need for play is greater than ever. Yet, there is less and less time for this critically important activity. School days are planned down to the minute of every day and then most children are involved in other outside structured activities once they leave school. Homework and dinner round out the evening, then bedtime before we do it all over again.

I'll keep writing on this topic and share how things unfold for us this time around, along with my own attempts to make some changes within the system. I'll also work to provide the time and space for that much needed playtime for my own children and share what works for me this time. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic as well.

I eat butter and other do other unconventional things

My 10 1/2 year old son walked into the kitchen tonight as I was putting the butter away and said, "You know mom, there are commercials that say that butter is bad for you." I stopped when he said it and listened. "They say that it is one of the deadly sins or something like that." I nodded. "That's strange. We put like two sticks of butter in our potatoes," he continued. We talked about how everyone needs to make their own decisions about such things with the information they have available to them. We choose to eat butter, but not everyone does. And that's OK.

And with that conversation, I began thinking about all the things I have been doing that most people don't. I know everyone will make their own decisions and each person needs to decide for themselves what they can live with. I don't want everyone to be exactly like me and to make all the same decisions I have made. My decisions are right for me, but not necessarily right for you. I've spent years researching some of my decisions and realized that most of the information I've found isn't what most people are hear, so some may scoff at my decisions. I've made it my goal to get information out to parents so that they can make their own decisions in a truly informed way. That's what the Consciously Parenting Project is really about.

It isn't easy to be different, but it is the road I am traveling during this lifetime. I know within my heart that I am true to myself and that's what really matters. I choose to respond to my child who is having a temper tantrum in the store, even if all eyes are on me waiting for me to reprimand him. I choose to homeschool or not according to the needs of my child at any given time. I chose to unschool my oldest child for a while, then I followed a Waldorf curriculum because it was what was right for him. I still co-sleep with my youngest child and I allowed him to wean himself from breastfeeding when he was ready (and it was years before he was ready). I choose to limit my children's exposure to television and to junk foods, even when their friends do those things. I don't punish my children when they "do something wrong," but rather connect with them and help them to calm themselves before we talk together about what happened and how we can make it better. I work from home so that I can be with my children when they need me (and feel grateful that I am able to do this). I buy our food directly from farmers as much as possible. And I eat butter.

Are you parenting differently? Are you making choices that are different than most people make? Do you feel like you're the only one who feels the way you do? Tell me about your decisions and how you feel. I know I'm not alone.

"Mommy Time"

I've been homeschooling my oldest son since he had just started first grade.  Every day of the first 9 weeks of first grade had been awful, from the temper tantrums in the morning when he couldn't tie his shoes the way he wanted to the moment he got off the bus completely overwhelmed from his day.  He was perfect at school, but I dreaded the evenings.  And the mornings.  And thinking about the mornings.  And the afternoons.  And the evenings.  Finally, I had decided to pull him out of school, figuring that school was what was creating his stress.

I was part right.  Yes, there was a lot of stress for him to try to be perfect at school (he was terrified of getting on yellow light or making a single mistake), but that wasn't the whole story.  I had no idea how to help him deal with the stress and overwhelm he was feeling because, guess what- no one had ever helped me with mine when I was growing up (not because they didn't want to, but they didn't know how either) and I didn't know how to support him through it.  It wasn't that I didn't want to help him.  I truly did.  I could see how horrible he was feeling and how he must feel just awful about himself, but I didn't know how to make it better.

Fast forward three years and lots of effort on my part to make my family work, along with incredible synchronicities and answered prayers that led me to the right people at the right time and my son was ready to go back to school.  He asked to go.  He wanted to start 4th grade.  My husband is teaching 5th grade this year and he wanted to go with him to school.  I knew that he was ready to handle the stressors that go along with school that he couldn't handle in the past.  And I was ready to help support him through the stress that I knew would come with returning to that environment when he came home at the end of the day.  I felt better knowing that my husband would be in the classroom next door and that there would be lots of communication from school during his transition.  But I knew that we had more tools and understanding as a family now to support him through it.

What I had learned was the most important is that I am really present with him when he is home.  I wanted to be with him and spend time with him, so I made it the priority.  When he was getting ready in the morning and when he came home at night, it was his "mommy time."  He was going to have moments of dysregulation.  I expected them.  But how would we all do with this huge transition?  I must admit I was a little concerned.  But he seemed confident and excited.  I relaxed more once I met his teacher.  We were now ready for the first day.

He started this past Monday.  He came home with a smile on his face, excited to tell me all about his first day.  Sure enough, over the first week, there were moments of fairly extreme dysregulation.  But I had learned that this was about him and not a personal attack on me, so I was able to stay calm and validate his fears and concerns.  He was able to calm down in seconds instead of the hours it had taken before and then we were able to go on with our time together.  

Our "Mommy Time" schedule for the first week went something like this:  In the morning before school, I made it a point to get up with him and just spend some time with him not asking him to do anything.  Sometimes I'd just hold him and help him to get regulated to start his day off on a good foot.  Sometimes we'd just sit and talk.  Either way, he was ready to start his day after we'd spent this time together, even if he had woken up feeling anxious or upset.  Usually this is about 10 minutes long.

After school, "Mommy Time" starts when my husband takes my younger son, who is 4 1/2, to do something special so that I can spend some uninterrupted time together with my older son.  This time really helped him to regulate after his day, knowing that he was special and loved unconditionally no matter what had happened at school.  This first week of school, we spent between 30-60 minutes together doing something that he wanted to do, like reading the book series we've been enjoying together or going outside together.

At bedtime, I go in and spend another 10-20 minutes just letting him talk about whatever he wants to share with me about his day, his thoughts about the next day, or something fun we're going to do together the next day or over the weekend.

As the school year goes on and he adjusts to school, I know he won't need that amount of time every day.  It won't always be like that, but I will do it as long as he needs it.  When he's ready, he'll want to go out and play with his friends after school after a short time with me instead of needing these long times.  I know it is an investment and something I can do to help him transition to his new environment.  It is worth every minute.  He is worth every minute.  Nothing else is more important than our relationship.  Nothing.

I know it is early in the school year, but I am confident that we are all going to be just fine this year.  I know there will be bumps in the road.  I know there will be days when we struggle with dysregulation and meeting everyone's needs, but it is wonderful to feel positive about all that we have accomplished in the past 3 years!  Mommy Time hasn't solved all of our problems, but it sure has made a big difference in my family!  Thank you "Mommy Time!"