Someone to listen... really listen

I have a lot on my plate and on my mind right now. School is starting soon and we have quite a bit of indecision going on about where our children are going to go. Well, I don't have indecision, but others in my life do. I reached a point today of being on a total red light. I was back in survival myself with my amygdala's fight, flight, or freeze response hijacking me. When I get this overwhelmed, I tend to go into a freeze mode. I've gotten much better at identifying that this is where I've gone now and working my way out of it. This is what I did.

I went outside by myself and watched the rain fall earlier this evening. I needed some time to quiet my mind and my nervous system and found the rain to be soothing. I was dozing as I sat on the patio, letting my incoherent thoughts swirl around in my brain. I focused on my breathing, taking in deep breaths- feeling my breath all the way down into my belly. I have no idea how long I was out there, but eventually my children came to find me.

When I had returned to a yellow light (emotional part of the brain, which was a step up for me from that red light), I connected with a friend I knew could really just listen to my feelings. I called her up and just let whatever needed to come out in whatever form and order it needed to come out to do just that. I'm sure it wasn't pretty, but I knew that she would be willing to do that for me. I knew that my feelings wouldn't be bothersome and that I would be safe expressing them to her.

After about 15 minutes of being on the phone with her, I started to feel better. I had been heard. I had been listened to and embraced. And I was now back on a green light (regulated and calm), ready to return to my life and to make the decisions I needed to make to move forward. As I looked back on my earlier thoughts, they were completely irrational. With the time and the connection with my friend, I had moved out of that irrational place and back into true connection with myself and my own inner guidance.

This is what our children need when they are upset. They need someone to listen to them... really listen to them. They can make it back to that regulated place when someone invests the time in them to listen to their feelings without trying to make it better or to explain to them why they shouldn't feel that way. Try it with your child and see how it goes. And let me know! And if you haven't had this experience, find a wise friend who can listen to your feelings. This is how healing happens for parents and for children!

Connecting to Our Children, Connecting to Ourselves

I've settled on a title for my upcoming book and wanted to give you a peek as a thank you if you are managing to find my blog and actually read it!  :-)

The full title is Connecting to Our Children, Connecting to Ourselves: A Relationship-Focused, Research-Based Approach to Parenting with Unconditional Love and Respect

The book is organized by 9 guiding principles and I thought I'd share the first one with you right now.  If you have feedback or examples of these principles, I'd love to hear about it!  

Principle #1: Behavior reflects the internal state of the individual and the relationship's level of connection.  All behavior is a communication.

We, as parents, tend to take our children's behavior personally.  If our child refuses to do something, we may automatically find ourselves upset at our child.  Let's explore an example that happened at my house today.  (I'm full of examples of all of these principles!)

My older son was dysregulated this morning because he was worried that he was going to be late for school.  I think my track record is quite good for getting him to school before he needs to be there, but my son wants to be there as soon as he can be dropped off and for that my track record is less than stellar.  He was anxious and dysregulated.  I found that he was sometimes staying calm and other times he was yelling.  His behavior was really reflecting his internal state.  

Some mornings, he'll be in this same place and I'll be totally dysregulated myself.  When I'm struggling, he struggles more.  Other mornings, I can stay present with him, truly feeling that this isn't about me.  I can help him shift out of his dysregulation and help him get ready for his school day.  When we are generally connected, this shift happens relatively easily.  When not connected, I'm distracted with everything I need to do to get 3 people out the door on time in the morning and things don't go as smoothly.  All behavior is a communication and an opportunity to connect or to create disconnection.  By focusing on the behaviors, you'll get more disconnection.  By focusing on the relationship, you'll create more connection.

Next time, we'll take a sneak peek at Principle #2.