"Mommy Time"

I've been homeschooling my oldest son since he had just started first grade.  Every day of the first 9 weeks of first grade had been awful, from the temper tantrums in the morning when he couldn't tie his shoes the way he wanted to the moment he got off the bus completely overwhelmed from his day.  He was perfect at school, but I dreaded the evenings.  And the mornings.  And thinking about the mornings.  And the afternoons.  And the evenings.  Finally, I had decided to pull him out of school, figuring that school was what was creating his stress.

I was part right.  Yes, there was a lot of stress for him to try to be perfect at school (he was terrified of getting on yellow light or making a single mistake), but that wasn't the whole story.  I had no idea how to help him deal with the stress and overwhelm he was feeling because, guess what- no one had ever helped me with mine when I was growing up (not because they didn't want to, but they didn't know how either) and I didn't know how to support him through it.  It wasn't that I didn't want to help him.  I truly did.  I could see how horrible he was feeling and how he must feel just awful about himself, but I didn't know how to make it better.

Fast forward three years and lots of effort on my part to make my family work, along with incredible synchronicities and answered prayers that led me to the right people at the right time and my son was ready to go back to school.  He asked to go.  He wanted to start 4th grade.  My husband is teaching 5th grade this year and he wanted to go with him to school.  I knew that he was ready to handle the stressors that go along with school that he couldn't handle in the past.  And I was ready to help support him through the stress that I knew would come with returning to that environment when he came home at the end of the day.  I felt better knowing that my husband would be in the classroom next door and that there would be lots of communication from school during his transition.  But I knew that we had more tools and understanding as a family now to support him through it.

What I had learned was the most important is that I am really present with him when he is home.  I wanted to be with him and spend time with him, so I made it the priority.  When he was getting ready in the morning and when he came home at night, it was his "mommy time."  He was going to have moments of dysregulation.  I expected them.  But how would we all do with this huge transition?  I must admit I was a little concerned.  But he seemed confident and excited.  I relaxed more once I met his teacher.  We were now ready for the first day.

He started this past Monday.  He came home with a smile on his face, excited to tell me all about his first day.  Sure enough, over the first week, there were moments of fairly extreme dysregulation.  But I had learned that this was about him and not a personal attack on me, so I was able to stay calm and validate his fears and concerns.  He was able to calm down in seconds instead of the hours it had taken before and then we were able to go on with our time together.  

Our "Mommy Time" schedule for the first week went something like this:  In the morning before school, I made it a point to get up with him and just spend some time with him not asking him to do anything.  Sometimes I'd just hold him and help him to get regulated to start his day off on a good foot.  Sometimes we'd just sit and talk.  Either way, he was ready to start his day after we'd spent this time together, even if he had woken up feeling anxious or upset.  Usually this is about 10 minutes long.

After school, "Mommy Time" starts when my husband takes my younger son, who is 4 1/2, to do something special so that I can spend some uninterrupted time together with my older son.  This time really helped him to regulate after his day, knowing that he was special and loved unconditionally no matter what had happened at school.  This first week of school, we spent between 30-60 minutes together doing something that he wanted to do, like reading the book series we've been enjoying together or going outside together.

At bedtime, I go in and spend another 10-20 minutes just letting him talk about whatever he wants to share with me about his day, his thoughts about the next day, or something fun we're going to do together the next day or over the weekend.

As the school year goes on and he adjusts to school, I know he won't need that amount of time every day.  It won't always be like that, but I will do it as long as he needs it.  When he's ready, he'll want to go out and play with his friends after school after a short time with me instead of needing these long times.  I know it is an investment and something I can do to help him transition to his new environment.  It is worth every minute.  He is worth every minute.  Nothing else is more important than our relationship.  Nothing.

I know it is early in the school year, but I am confident that we are all going to be just fine this year.  I know there will be bumps in the road.  I know there will be days when we struggle with dysregulation and meeting everyone's needs, but it is wonderful to feel positive about all that we have accomplished in the past 3 years!  Mommy Time hasn't solved all of our problems, but it sure has made a big difference in my family!  Thank you "Mommy Time!"   

Just want to fix it?

My oldest son woke in the middle of the night unable to breathe and was coughing a really croupy cough.  He doesn't normally wake up in the night and come in to me, so I knew when he came in that this was something different.  He has a lot of stressors in his life right now and I know this is part of what's going on with him.  I can see that some of it is emotional, rather than purely physical and I want to fix it.  I want him to feel better.  

So, I got out of bed and tried to figure out what it was that was bothering him and what I could do to help him.  I pulled out my homeopathics and set about trying to figure out, through my groggy middle of the night brain, what it was that he needed.  Try as I might, I couldn't figure it out.  Where was this coming from?  What did he need?

I was so busy searching for a solution that I realized that I had moved away from him.  I was off in my own little corner in my own little world trying to fix it.  Yes, maybe there was something I could give him that would make him feel better.  But maybe I just needed to be there for him to support him, laying beside him and knowing that this is simply where he is in this moment on his own journey.

As mothers, we want to make it better, easier, for our children.  We want to take the pain away.  But that is simply not always possible, especially when it comes to our children's emotional pain.  Sometimes our children are just communicating that they need our presence.  And that is the best thing we can do for them, knowing they will find their way through it if we are just there for them emotionally.

Be open to what your child is communicating with you today and strive to be emotionally present- that is the most healing thing you can do for your child on his journey.  We can't always fix it, but that's okay.  Connection is what really matters.  Thanks for the lesson, Zack.

Resources for Parenting

When I first became a parent, I knew the kind of parent that I wanted to be.  I wanted to be kind and connected, showing love and compassion for my children.  I wanted a peaceful home with love everywhere.  I was determined to do this.  I went to therapy before I even got pregnant with my first because I knew that my own childhood had been rocky and I wanted to learn from my parents' struggles.  

When my son was a baby, I faced a number of challenges.  He was colicky.  He wanted to nurse all the time.  He never took a nap on his own.  And as he grew, it seemed the number of situations I just didn't know what to do about expanded.  I needed more information and support, but wasn't sure where to go.  As I looked around at the available parenting books, I felt more confused. Family members were uncomfortable with my choices and they warned me that what I was doing was going to create a monster.  It was a difficult time for me, but one that stretched me to connect with what my son really needed and learn to find support from those who understood what I was working towards.  I had no real blueprint for what I was trying to do, but I was still determined to do it.

Well, life has a habit of sending you exactly what you need to grow and I felt for a while that I was way too blessed in this department.  I was overwhelmed after a series of losses in my own life and was struggling with the same difficult behaviors my parents had faced with my brothers now with my own son.  I didn't understand how my son needed me to connect with him because I had never experienced it.  As his behaviors escalated, I continued to seek answers.  I read as many parenting books as I could find, but they all seemed based on behaviors and I knew that it didn't work.  It only made it worse and the disconnection in my home was so far away from the family I had imagined.  How could this have happened?  

As circumstances always seem to unfold for me in such an amazing way, I was guided to the people who were able to show me the way out of it all.  I am so thankful to Heather Forbes for being that beacon of hope when I was in the middle of the darkness.  There is hope.  And there really can be peace in our homes and in our lives.  It has been such an amazing journey for me and it has touched upon so much more than just my parenting and my relationship with my son.

So, the resources that I am developing through my website are all those things that either helped me on my own journey or that I wish I had had from the beginning.  This is only the beginning and we already have much to offer here.  Check out our TeleParenting classes, based upon the book Heather Forbes, LCSW, co-authored with Dr. Bryan Post: Beyond Consequences.  We also offer phone coaching, which was another one of the things that made a huge difference for me on my own journey.  I am also having a Family-Friendly retreat this fall on St. Pete Beach, Florida, which was another big part of my healing journey.  And be sure to check out my store and my new e-booklet about Handling Criticism When You Are Parenting Differently.  It is only $3!  These were the words I so needed to hear when I was first starting to do things differently.

We are continuing to create resources that you tell us you need, as well as those that were of benefit to those of us on our own journey.  Let us know how you're doing and what you need most to help you on your journey.  We're listening.

Time to breathe

I can't believe that more than a month has passed since I added to my blog!  Everything has been moving at such an amazing pace in my life and with the Consciously Parenting Project.  We are adding classes and have some wonderful people coming on board to offer more classes and services to meet the needs of the families who are seeking information and resources to create connection in their homes.  We're working on some really cool t-shirt designs and my book is coming along nicely.  I plan to have it widely available by the end of this year, so keep watching for details as they become available.  

But with all this excitement is a much needed reminder to keep the balance in my life: to make sure that I am taking time for my children to be completely present with them in the way they need me to be.  To take the time for those who are nearest and dearest to my heart and not let the busyness of the outside world take away from what matters the most.  

I also remind myself that I need to take time for myself.  If I am struggling, I cannot support someone else.  If I am not fully present on my own, I cannot be fully present with someone else.  And those around me, my husband and my children, need me to connect fully with them.  So, I set aside time for my work, time for play, time to reflect quietly alone, and time to connect with the other important people in my life.  I take the time to just sit and breathe.  I am modeling self-care for my own children, so that when they grow up they will know within themselves that it is good to take time for themselves.  It is good, for they are human beings, not human doings.  Who they are is enough.  

Take the time today to stop and breathe.  Just allow yourself to be.  For you are enough just the way you are. 

Exciting changes here!

 I just got my Pam Leo, "Have you connected with your child today?" bumper stickers in the mail.  How about you?  See my previous blog for information on getting your free bumper sticker.

I've been busy working on many different projects to expand The Consciously Parenting Project to reach more families who are looking for information on how to connect with their children and how to stay connected.  I'm ready to launch a whole new series of TeleParenting Support Classes with a new instructor coming on board who can offer different times and free me up a little more to work on some other projects I have going on.  Wilma Vance, who brings with her many years of parenting experience as an adoptive, foster, and mother of a biological child, as well as many years of professional service working with adoptive and foster families, is joining us to help teach parenting classes.  Wilma actually did the pilot program for the Beyond Consequences classes and has been teaching them for over 2 years.  More importantly, she has been implementing this model into her own home and brings with her a wealth of practical experience "where the rubber meets the road."  I'm delighted that she will be joining us here!  You can send Wilma an e-mail to welcome her at wilma@consciouslyparenting.com

I'm also excited to announce that we will be beginning a new series of both Level 1 and Level 2 TeleParenting Classes in mid-April.  Check out my events page for more information (http://www.consciouslyparenting.com/events.html) on the dates.  I'm still working on the Level 2 sign up, so if it isn't ready when you check it out, please return in a day or so and it should be up.  I'm still working on the second class date as there seems to be a conflict with the Friday night class time.  

The Level 2 class is very exciting and it will be taking a much more in-depth and personal look how the concepts discussed in the Level 1 class and how it applies to our lives and the lives of those around us.  These classes will be every other week and will also be limited to 6 participants.  Because of the smaller class size and the personal nature of this class, each class will be $20 instead of $10.  There will be work outside of the class and this is definitely one of those times when you will get out of it what you put into it.  We are bringing in lots of other resources to deepen your understanding of this paradigm.  I'm looking forward to this class probably as much as the participants!

I'm also excited to announce that we now have a toll free number.  You can call The Consciously Parenting Project for more information on phone coaching, TeleParenting Support Classes, or just general information.  The number is (888)631-4441.

I'm also planning a workshop in Boynton Beach, FL on Saturday, June 28 from 9-12.  This will be a family-friendly interactive workshop entitled: "Parenting Beyond Behaviors:  What Really Matters in Parenting."  Information and sign-up is also available on my events page.

More to come.  Stay tuned...

Rebecca

Pam Leo's bumper sticker campaign

I just loved this and wanted to let everyone know so that you could participate if you wish.  Pam Leo, author of Connection Parenting, is launching a bumper sticker campaign.  Her own words about this campaign are below.  Her granddaughter, Magnolia, will be handling everything as part of her homeschooling.  Please also indicate the nearest large city, as she will also be locating where the bumper stickers are on a map.  At this time, this offer is only available to those in the United States, but she is open to ideas about how to make it available to everyone the world over.  Visit her website to learn more about Pam:  http://www.connectionparenting.com

Be part of the shift to connection and helping parents to think about connecting with their children!

From Pam:  Have you ever been driving home at the end of a day feeling stressed and distracted and found yourself cracking up at a funny bumper sticker on the car in front of you at a red light?  I have and I love bumper stickers because they have the ability to make us laugh, make us think, and to inspire us.

At over $3 per gallon, I want more for my gas dollars than transportation; I want inspiration.  We can all make a difference for families by turning our transportation vehicles into vehicles of inspiration.  By the end of March, the Connection Parenting bumper stickers: "Have you Connected to Your Child Today?" will be available.

Wouldn't it make you feel good to think that your bumper sticker made life better for a parent and child?  Imagine some harried mom or dad driving home from work on the way to pick up the kids, and sees your bumper sticker and thinks, "I haven't connected with my children today, but I will when I see them."

My hope for these bumper stickers is that they will remind and inspire parents to connect with their children.

In the US, you can get your free bumper sticker by sending a self-addressed, stamped envelope to:

Pam Leo

Connection Parenting

attn: Magnolia

10 Old Orchard Rd

Gorham, Maine 04038

Your first bumper sticker is free.  Additional bumper stickers may be purchased for $1/ea.  Please make checks payable to Pam Leo."

Pam's granddaughter, Magnolia, is going to be handling this project as part of her homeschooling.  Please indicate the nearest large city so that she can mark it on her map and they know where all those bumper stickers have been sent!

I hope you take advantage of this and spread the word!

Rebecca

Balance in the present moment

I've been working really hard lately, trying to find that delicate balance between work, family, sleep, cooking, cleaning (which my husband asked if I've given up doing), homeschooling, tending to the cats, spending time journaling or reading a book now and then.  I realized that I was lacking balance, which became apparent after an especially demanding work week for me.  

So today, I took the day off.  I left my computer off until dinnertime and that is an amazing accomplishment for me.  I think the lines get much blurrier when working from home sometimes. When am I actually at work?  When am I home?  When is it family time?  When is it time to rest? It was so much easier when I went away to an office in so many ways.  I haven't worked much without my kids since my first born over 9 years ago and had only a brief time of working away from my oldest son when he was around 3.  It was only a few hours a week and I remember that time rather fondly.  It was just enough that I really missed him and was ready to come back.  But it gave me that time that was distinctly mine to be a grown-up- to drink a hot beverage without worrying about someone getting burned and perhaps have a complete thought without an interruption before 10PM.

I knew this past week had been too much, so I decided today was going to be a family day.  I ended up having some wonderful quality time with my 4 year-old son.   We played on the front porch with those little seeds that fall to the ground like a mini helicopter for the longest time.  I watched his face fill with joy and excitement as we raced our little helicopters to the ground.  He'd cackle as he let his fall from his hand way before anyone said, "Go!" and would rejoice in his triumph when his hit the ground first.  

It was through this encounter that I saw how much he was simply in the present moment.  He wasn't worrying about future events or chugging through events of the past.  He was simply right there watching the little helicopters make their flights with great anticipation, even though the races were over nearly as soon as they began.  Watching his face light up was one of the highlights of my day.

Tomorrow I am determined to keep checking in with myself and make sure that I am giving rapt attention to those little miracles that my children seem to see so much more easily.  I'm going to take lots of time to play and learn how to better set aside time to just simply be in the present moment with my family.  Everything else can wait.  Nothing is more important than my family.

I know it will take time to get the balance right, but intention is a very important part and I have that now.  And I am thankful to my son for reminding me how it is done.