Is it too late to fix this relationship? Start with TODAY.

"I feel like I've messed up this relationship beyond repair," said Jewel, mother of a precocious 4 year-old.  "I know I'm not where I want to be in my relationship with my daughter. I've made all sorts of wrong decisions and mistakes. What can I possibly do from here? Is it too late?"

Try as we might, many times we find that we're not where we want to be in our relationships with our children. Maybe we're snapping at them a little too often. Perhaps we're frustrated because they "should" be able to do more on their own by now, or maybe their temperament or behaviors just push us right over the edge.

We feel like we're failing. We feel hopeless. We wonder if it is possible to ever make this right. We wonder if we've ruined our children forever with our parenting mistakes and missteps. We feel trapped and responsible.


I was just reading a book called, In the Flow of Life, by Eric Butterworth this morning. It is a book I have often turned to when I'm feeling challenged on my own life journey. This is what I read:

"You cannot really make a wrong choice, a bad decision. Any step you take will lead eventually to your good, because a negative experience encountered will produce a sort of challenge in which to outgrow the kind of consciousness from which the choice was made, leading to a higher consciousness from which more constructive steps can be taken. So a wrong choice is a right choice at that particular time. Knowing this, you are free from the fear of bad decisions. You can stand still and believe that there is no decision to be made, only a direction to discover."

I guess for me, this means that I am consciously aware of my parenting decisions, yet I am not going to beat myself up when things haven't gone the way I'd hoped or planned. I can see those decisions as a part of my journey to a higher consciousness, rather than as a horrible mistake.

I've done plenty of things on my parenting journey that have created disconnection in my relationship with my kids. There have been lots of overwhelming and even traumatic events in my family that have left me breathless and directionless, feeling hopelessly lost. Yet, as I find my way out of the dense overgrown forest, I see that I am no longer in the same place. I can see more clearly where I am and where I'm going, knowing I am no longer where I once was. Thankfully.

We can't go back in time and change the past. But I know, and I see in my clients, that healing is always possible by starting with TODAY. This moment. Sometimes this moment means that we need to acknowledge events from our past that are still unfinished. Our past created the present moment and we can't simply wish it away. You know, just move on, keep on going, trying to forget the negative events in our lives. We are who we are because of what has happened in our lives until this moment. We are showing parts of our story in this moment. And so is our child. Maybe it doesn't make sense to us right now because we're only thinking about this moment and not the pivotal moments that have come before. In fact, the clues we need to move forward are always there in our stories, even if we can't readily see them.

We don't have to go on some long expedition to find our stuck points. They're showing up right now in the way we handle our stressful moments, the way we reach out (or not), what we feel in this moment, and how you express what you feel (or perhaps in what you don't express). The past isn't separate from the now. The past isn't something that you just forget about, setting your sights on what you'd like to create in the future. The past is living in today. But we can change our direction and our future course by being present in this moment. Healing past hurts and disconnections can only happen in this moment. By paying attention to the signs showing up in our lives pointing the way to those old wounds that need nurtured, for the places lacking connection in our current relationships that need healing, we create the possibility of a new relationship with ourselves and with others. We have a chance to create a new experience right now. To heal. To create love and connection with our partner, our children, our family, our friends.

Healing starts today. Are you open to that possibility?

Next week, I'll explore how we can use our present moment experiences to work through our stuck points from the past, particularly in our relationship with our child. I've been so blessed to support many parents on this journey into connecting with their child deeply through Integrative Story Sharing, based on the work of Ray Castellino and Mary Jackson of www.aboutconnections.com and www.beba.org.

As you enter into this new year, remember that it is full of infinite opportunities and possibilities for healing. And that healing can begin today! Here's to a fabulous New Year ahead!

If you're like many parents and are looking for additional resources to begin the new year, check out my New Year's sale. I'm clearing out inventory to make way for many new resources next year. When they're gone, they're gone! Best wishes for healing connection for you and your family in 2012!

A Simple Shift in the Parent-Child Dance

My son bared his teeth and moved his head in toward mine so that our foreheads nearly touched. For a split second, I thought he was going to bang into my head. With that realization dawning, I decided he was being playful and just moving in to kiss me. I reached toward him and kissed him. He then smiled and told me how much he loved me. A few minutes later, after he had gone back off to the other room to play, it occurred to me how differently that situation would have gone if I had decided that his action was a threat to me. How many times do our interpretations of our child’s behavior lead us down the path to more disconnection? Or toward connection?

            We interpret our child’s behaviors hundreds of times per day, mostly unconsciously. If things are generally going well with our child and with us, we’re more likely to have the patience and the wherewithal to interpret our child’s behaviors in a positive light. If we’re feeling overwhelmed for any reason, or if our relationship with our child is generally not going so well, we’re more likely to interpret our child’s behaviors in a negative light, regardless of the intention of the child. I’m not saying that our children are always completely innocent or that they don’t need to learn to communicate with us effectively to get their needs met. Rather, I’m pointing out that sometimes just a simple shift in our interpretation of what our child is saying or doing can make things go in a positive direction.

What do you think of when you see this picture? What words do you associate with the expression on his face? While some may see a child who is scared, others may see an angry child. Others might see someone who is playful. And this is all just from a two-dimensional image.
We are constantly making observations, judging behaviors, and then interpreting what our children do—all in the blink of an eye. Many of these judgments and interpretations are based upon previous circumstances and how things worked out for us (or our loved ones) in the past. The primitive part of the brain is responsible for screening all things happening around us for possible threats. If I had allowed my amygdala (the primitive part of my brain responsible for the fight, flight, or freeze response) to take over in the situation with my son above, I would have fought back, run away, or frozen. Because I was aware of myself and realized that my five-year-old wasn’t really a threat, I was able to interpret his behavior in a different way that had a positive outcome.

            “My daughter is manipulating me!” “He did that to me on purpose just to make me mad!” “I’m the parent, and he needs to listen to what I say!” Phrases like these are common among parents, and they are remnants of another age in which we did not fully understand brain development and what is really going on in the minds of our young children. We often overlay adult thinking onto what we are seeing from our children, even when they are not capable of this kind of complex thought. These kinds of phrases only create more disconnection in relationships because the interpretation is a judgment that the child is wrong or bad. But what if we asked ourselves what is the best possible interpretation for what our child just did? When we start to shift our interpretations and change our language to give our children the benefit of the doubt, there is then the possibility of change!

            Our children are always doing the best they can do at any given time. This statement is not always readily agreed with when I say it to parents. But let me ask you this: Are you always doing the best you can in any given situation? (Not that you always handle things perfectly, but do you have good intentions?) Do you set out to do a lousy job and make everyone around you upset? I’d be surprised if you said yes. Our children want to please us, even if it doesn’t look like it sometimes. They need us to hold the higher consciousness for them, to know and feel that they are doing their best. They need our support and our guidance, not harsh words and criticism. 

Excerpted from Consciously Parenting: Creating, Nurturing and Repairing Relationships, 

Chapter 6: How We Interpret Our Children's Behavior, Publication date Spring 2012

Connecting When You Don't Have a Magic Wand

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The Day the World Stopped

I was driving to the park with my almost 3 year old son, though I hadn't yet reached the end of my street, when I saw my neighbor in his driveway pacing and looking distraught.  I'm not clear if he was watching a portable TV or listening to a hand-held radio, but his face showed shock and terror.  I stopped and asked him what was wrong.  After a few moments, he told me that the World Trade Center tower had been hit by an airplane.  I continued on to the park, not sure what else to do.  Surely it was a terrible accident and not deliberate as my neighbor, Mike, suggested.  The rest of that morning was a blur.  Was it safe to be outside?  Did this really even happen?  Even though I was living in Florida at the time, no one knew what was going to happen next.  It seemed that no one was safe.

An hour later, I was home in front of the television trying to make sense of it all.  I was pregnant at the time with a baby I would later miscarry and I sat with my hand over my belly wondering what kind of world I would be bringing this baby into.  I cried as I watched the rescue efforts and thought of the families who had just been torn apart by this senseless act.  And I hugged my son tight.

But the thing that I will remember the most about September 11, 2001 and the days afterward was the silence.  Yes, there was the near constant blaring of the television and its haunting images as we tried to make sense of it all.  But when we stepped outside, there was an unaccustomed silence.  There were no planes in the sky.  No jets overhead.  No small planes.  The skies remained eerily silent as we all took in the full impact of what had happened, wondering if there was more to come.  We all felt vulnerable.  And raw.  And the world seemed to stop.  The nation paused and seemed to mourn together, even as the rescue efforts continued.  There was a collective silence that I hadn't experienced before. Or since.

And so it is in that same reverence that I pause on this September 11, 2011 to remember those whose lives will never be the same.  For my friends and clients who lived in NYC at the time who are forever changed.  For those who lost friends and loved ones.  Eventually, the world started to return to some semblance of normal, but for many it was forever changed.

In the silence, we remember.

Our Needs vs Their Needs? Is there a better way?

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The Myth of Independence

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Phoenix Rising from the Ashes

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