Consciously Parenting

Is it ever really too late to repair a relationship?

2012-01-21T16:36:00.000-08:00

When you give up, it might be too late.
When you lose all hope, it might be too late.
When all you can see is the darkness,
the pain,
the hatred,
the anger,
it might be too late.

But the hope in this is that when you can find the courage to dig deeper,
when you can find a shred of hope,
when you can see a little bit of light peeking around the bend,
when you can acknowledge the pain, share it, feel it, and let it go,
when you can let yourself know that beneath the hatred and anger is a feeling of helplessness, or fear and allow that to bubble up instead.

Find the vulnerability. First in yourself. And then in the other.

And remember that beneath the pain, the hurt, the anger is a person who needs to be forgiven and loved. And that starts with you.

Darkness cannot exist without the light
And it is darkest just before the dawn.
The sun sets and a new day dawns each day.
And each day we have another chance to find the light.
To breathe in the hope.
To connect with others who can remind us that we don't have to do this all alone
and that it isn't over unless we decide it is over.
And even if we decide it is over, we can change our minds
and begin again. Right now.

Is it too late to fix this relationship? Start with TODAY.

2011-12-26T12:33:00.000-08:00

"I feel like I've messed up this relationship beyond repair," said Jewel, mother of a precocious 4 year-old. "I know I'm not where I want to be in my relationship with my daughter. I've made all sorts of wrong decisions and mistakes. What can I possibly do from here? Is it too late?"

Try as we might, many times we find that we're not where we want to be in our relationships with our children. Maybe we're snapping at them a little too often. Perhaps we're frustrated because they "should" be able to do more on their own by now, or maybe their temperament or behaviors just push us right over the edge.

We feel like we're failing. We feel hopeless. We wonder if it is possible to ever make this right. We wonder if we've ruined our children forever with our parenting mistakes and missteps. We feel trapped and responsible.

I was just reading a book called, In the Flow of Life, by Eric Butterworth this morning. It is a book I have often turned to when I'm feeling challenged on my own life journey. This is what I read:

"You cannot really make a wrong choice, a bad decision. Any step you take will lead eventually to your good, because a negative experience encountered will produce a sort of challenge in which to outgrow the kind of consciousness from which the choice was made, leading to a higher consciousness from which more constructive steps can be taken. So a wrong choice is a right choice at that particular time. Knowing this, you are free from the fear of bad decisions. You can stand still and believe that there is no decision to be made, only a direction to discover."

I guess for me, this means that I am consciously aware of my parenting decisions, yet I am not going to beat myself up when things haven't gone the way I'd hoped or planned. I can see those decisions as a part of my journey to a higher consciousness, rather than as a horrible mistake.

I've done plenty of things on my parenting journey that have created disconnection in my relationship with my kids. There have been lots of overwhelming and even traumatic events in my family that have left me breathless and directionless, feeling hopelessly lost. Yet, as I find my way out of the dense overgrown forest, I see that I am no longer in the same place. I can see more clearly where I am and where I'm going, knowing I am no longer where I once was. Thankfully.

We can't go back in time and change the past. But I know, and I see in my clients, that healing is always possible by starting with TODAY. This moment. Sometimes this moment means that we need to acknowledge events from our past that are still unfinished. Our past created the present moment and we can't simply wish it away. You know, just move on, keep on going, trying to forget the negative events in our lives. We are who we are because of what has happened in our lives until this moment. We are showing parts of our story in this moment. And so is our child. Maybe it doesn't make sense to us right now because we're only thinking about this moment and not the pivotal moments that have come before. In fact, the clues we need to move forward are always there in our stories, even if we can't readily see them.

We don't have to go on some long expedition to find our stuck points. They're showing up right now in the way we handle our stressful moments, the way we reach out (or not), what we feel in this moment, and how you express what you feel (or perhaps in what you don't express). The past isn't separate from the now. The past isn't something that you just forget about, setting your sights on what you'd like to create in the future. The past is living in today. But we can change our direction and our future course by being present in this moment. Healing past hurts and disconnections can only happen in this moment. By paying attention to the signs showing up in our lives pointing the way to those old wounds that need nurtured, for the places lacking connection in our current relationships that need healing, we create the possibility of a new relationship with ourselves and with others. We have a chance to create a new experience right now. To heal. To create love and connection with our partner, our children, our family, our friends.

Healing starts today. Are you open to that possibility?

Next week, I'll explore how we can use our present moment experiences to work through our stuck points from the past, particularly in our relationship with our child. I've been so blessed to support many parents on this journey into connecting with their child deeply through Integrative Story Sharing, based on the work of Ray Castellino and Mary Jackson of www.aboutconnections.com and www.beba.org.

As you enter into this new year, remember that it is full of infinite opportunities and possibilities for healing. And that healing can begin today! Here's to a fabulous New Year ahead!

If you're like many parents and are looking for additional resources to begin the new year, check out my New Year's sale. I'm clearing out inventory to make way for many new resources next year. When they're gone, they're gone! Best wishes for healing connection for you and your family in 2012!

A Simple Shift in the Parent-Child Dance

2011-11-16T09:09:00.000-08:00

My son bared his teeth and moved his head in toward mine so that our foreheads nearly touched. For a split second, I thought he was going to bang into my head. With that realization dawning, I decided he was being playful and just moving in to kiss me. I reached toward him and kissed him. He then smiled and told me how much he loved me. A few minutes later, after he had gone back off to the other room to play, it occurred to me how differently that situation would have gone if I had decided that his action was a threat to me. How many times do our interpretations of our child’s behavior lead us down the path to more disconnection? Or toward connection?

We interpret our child’s behaviors hundreds of times per day, mostly unconsciously. If things are generally going well with our child and with us, we’re more likely to have the patience and the wherewithal to interpret our child’s behaviors in a positive light. If we’re feeling overwhelmed for any reason, or if our relationship with our child is generally not going so well, we’re more likely to interpret our child’s behaviors in a negative light, regardless of the intention of the child. I’m not saying that our children are always completely innocent or that they don’t need to learn to communicate with us effectively to get their needs met. Rather, I’m pointing out that sometimes just a simple shift in our interpretation of what our child is saying or doing can make things go in a positive direction.

What do you think of when you see this picture? What words do you associate with the expression on his face? While some may see a child who is scared, others may see an angry child. Others might see someone who is playful. And this is all just from a two-dimensional image.
We are constantly making observations, judging behaviors, and then interpreting what our children do—all in the blink of an eye. Many of these judgments and interpretations are based upon previous circumstances and how things worked out for us (or our loved ones) in the past. The primitive part of the brain is responsible for screening all things happening around us for possible threats. If I had allowed my amygdala (the primitive part of my brain responsible for the fight, flight, or freeze response) to take over in the situation with my son above, I would have fought back, run away, or frozen. Because I was aware of myself and realized that my five-year-old wasn’t really a threat, I was able to interpret his behavior in a different way that had a positive outcome.

“My daughter is manipulating me!” “He did that to me on purpose just to make me mad!” “I’m the parent, and he needs to listen to what I say!” Phrases like these are common among parents, and they are remnants of another age in which we did not fully understand brain development and what is really going on in the minds of our young children. We often overlay adult thinking onto what we are seeing from our children, even when they are not capable of this kind of complex thought. These kinds of phrases only create more disconnection in relationships because the interpretation is a judgment that the child is wrong or bad. But what if we asked ourselves what is the best possible interpretation for what our child just did? When we start to shift our interpretations and change our language to give our children the benefit of the doubt, there is then the possibility of change!

Our children are always doing the best they can do at any given time. This statement is not always readily agreed with when I say it to parents. But let me ask you this: Are you always doing the best you can in any given situation? (Not that you always handle things perfectly, but do you have good intentions?) Do you set out to do a lousy job and make everyone around you upset? I’d be surprised if you said yes. Our children want to please us, even if it doesn’t look like it sometimes. They need us to hold the higher consciousness for them, to know and feel that they are doing their best. They need our support and our guidance, not harsh words and criticism.

Excerpted from Consciously Parenting: Creating, Nurturing and Repairing Relationships,

Chapter 6: How We Interpret Our Children's Behavior, Publication date Spring 2012

Connecting When You Don't Have a Magic Wand

2011-10-21T19:39:00.000-07:00

Everyone wants to find peace. Everyone wants connection. But sometimes that's just not our family's reality. Maybe our reality is tension. Maybe there are disagreements and fights. Maybe we find ourselves disliking being around our child or the disconnection just feels bad to us and we want it to be different. Or maybe we're overwhelmed. So where do we start when we're far from a place of love, ease, and joy? How can we begin our journey to this seemingly elusive place?

I wish it were as easy as waving a magic wand and saying a few choice magic words (don't you wish "please" and "thank you" were as powerful as some parents make them seem to be?), but finding our way through parenting is challenging, especially when it wasn't like we thought it would be. Sadly, there actually isn't a parenting manual for our child. And there is no one approach that works for every child and every family. Often, it feels like we're flying blind. We look to outside experts who we hope can give us a formula we can plug into what's happening in our life and "click," the magic will happen.

I remember sitting on the floor near my dining room table with all my parenting books (and I had a LOT of them, hence the floor) trying to find something that made sense of my son's behavior, who was just four at the time. How could someone so small stump me so completely? I remember picking up Peggy O'Mara's book, Natural Family Living, and praying as I opened to the discipline part that there would be SOMETHING in there that would help me reconnect with my son. Peggy was (and is) one of my heroes, but as I read through the book I found there wasn't anything I hadn't already tried. I read Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting and nodded the whole way through. I wanted what he was talking about in the worst way. This was how I wanted to parent. But I closed the book feeling more frustrated than ever because I had no idea how to get there from where I was in that moment with my son. It was nothing more than a dream of some far away land that you could only reach in a flying house picked up by a tornado or with special red ruby slippers or something. And clearly I was without the house, the tornado and the ruby slippers.

But the most valuable resources that I've found are those that help me to look deeply at myself and my family. The ones that help me to better understand myself and what I feel. And what I can do from where I am right now. You see, what I eventually came to realize is that no one's family was just like mine, so how could anyone tell me what to do with my child if they didn't know me? Or if they didn't know what had happened in the previous six months? Or the previous four or five years? How could anyone give helpful guidance if they didn't know our story? I realized that challenging behaviors don't just appear out of the blue, but are part of a larger context from our family's story. Reading something in a book could get me started and help me identify what I wanted, but it actually took understanding my own story deeply and having relationships with other people who could truly hear my story before I could find my way out of the quagmire and back into connection. It was very much an inside job that also required some interdependence on my part- some trust to share my story with others and then with my son. It required that I become the expert of my own family. After all, who else was there as much as me or knew my children as well as I did?

What I've discovered in my own practice is how important it is for everyone to be able to tell their story. From the youngest clients (yes, newborns) to grown-ups, we all need to be seen, heard and felt, as Ray Castellino (http://www.beba.org) reminds us in his soothing voice in our new Story Sharing audio (and transcript). We need someone to see us and to feel our story with us. We need to connect in the sacred space of our stories, to have our stories told as we understand them, and we need to watch and listen for our children to show us their story. I've had the honor of watching deep healing happen in families when we make room for the feelings about our story to emerge.

Connection doesn't happen just in the loving, peaceful, quiet moments when we all snuggle together. Connection can happen when we're real with how we're feeling and we realize that our child is feeling the same way. Connection happens when we both feel the sadness of the way it was or the way it is now together in this moment. We can heal all sorts of misunderstandings by opening up to our feelings- yes, those deep down ugly feelings that are hard to allow sometimes, which aren't just irritating roadblocks on our way to connection. Those uncomfortable feelings are how we start to connect right where we are in this moment, as we really are right now. We can't just click our heels together and magically arrive in a place of connection if that's not where we are. We need to acknowledge where we are and feel where we are and say out loud that this isn't working for us right now before we can begin to create the emotional space for a new kind of relationship to emerge.

I finally stopped wishing for a parenting manual, for someone who could swoop in and give me the right information at just the right moment that would set it all straight for me, or for the magic formula that I could plug in and everything would feel better. I realized that the story of my family held the clues as to why something was happening and for the understanding and empathy for myself and my child that I needed to move through it. I'm not always going to see the whole picture right away, but if I let my heart lead the way I know it is always there. And there's always a way to find connection. Even without a magic wand.

If you're interested in learning more about Ray Castellino's work and the idea of Story Sharing for resolving early trauma and creating more connection in families, check out our new audio and transcript here.

The Day the World Stopped

2011-09-11T20:18:00.000-07:00

I was driving to the park with my almost 3 year old son, though I hadn't yet reached the end of my street, when I saw my neighbor in his driveway pacing and looking distraught. I'm not clear if he was watching a portable TV or listening to a hand-held radio, but his face showed shock and terror. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. After a few moments, he told me that the World Trade Center tower had been hit by an airplane. I continued on to the park, not sure what else to do. Surely it was a terrible accident and not deliberate as my neighbor, Mike, suggested. The rest of that morning was a blur. Was it safe to be outside? Did this really even happen? Even though I was living in Florida at the time, no one knew what was going to happen next. It seemed that no one was safe.

An hour later, I was home in front of the television trying to make sense of it all. I was pregnant at the time with a baby I would later miscarry and I sat with my hand over my belly wondering what kind of world I would be bringing this baby into. I cried as I watched the rescue efforts and thought of the families who had just been torn apart by this senseless act. And I hugged my son tight.

But the thing that I will remember the most about September 11, 2001 and the days afterward was the silence. Yes, there was the near constant blaring of the television and its haunting images as we tried to make sense of it all. But when we stepped outside, there was an unaccustomed silence. There were no planes in the sky. No jets overhead. No small planes. The skies remained eerily silent as we all took in the full impact of what had happened, wondering if there was more to come. We all felt vulnerable. And raw. And the world seemed to stop. The nation paused and seemed to mourn together, even as the rescue efforts continued. There was a collective silence that I hadn't experienced before. Or since.

And so it is in that same reverence that I pause on this September 11, 2011 to remember those whose lives will never be the same. For my friends and clients who lived in NYC at the time who are forever changed. For those who lost friends and loved ones. Eventually, the world started to return to some semblance of normal, but for many it was forever changed.

In the silence, we remember.

Our Needs vs Their Needs? Is there a better way?

2011-08-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

“I’m really struggling with nursing my 2 year old,” the mother confided. “I can’t say this to very many people because most people just say that I should wean. But that doesn’t feel right to me, either. So I nurse her even though I really don’t feel like it and I resent her for it. I want to meet Sarah's needs and I want to be the best parent I can for my daughter, but this isn’t working for me.”

This conversation happens often among the parents I work with: parents who truly want to put the needs of their young children first. They want to be there for their kids. Sometimes that takes the form of practicing extended breastfeeding or co-sleeping. Other times, it looks like constantly putting the needs of the child or children in front of their own needs.

Sometimes the parents feel that they are putting their child’s needs first because they are little and they want to meet their child’s needs, spoken and unspoken. They’ve internalized a list of parenting “shoulds” that they need to do to have well-adjusted children, without the struggles that many of us came into parenting with- the wounds from our own childhoods. But each of us has a capacity to be present with our kids for a certain amount of time, particularly without significant recharging. And when our children are constantly hooking up their own little batteries to ours, as Pam Leo shared on an interview that I did with her in 2008 about her book, Connection Parenting, we need to make sure that our batteries are charged.

Some parents wisely recognize that if something isn't working for them, they need to make a change. If no one is sleeping well when they co-sleep, they work to find a sleeping arrangement that works for everyone. Others recognize that they aren’t up to homeschooling and search to find alternatives that everyone would find workable. However, many parents continue to hook their children up to their depleted batteries and wonder why it isn’t working.

There seems to be a substantial backlash internally within these parents to not be the parents who put their own needs first and disregard the needs of their children. Our culture has a pervasive undercurrent of, “now I’m the adult and my needs matter more than yours.” I wonder if part of that comes from the time most of us spent as young children with our needs subjugated and consciously or unconsciously taking in the idea that when we’re older and have children of our own it is the time to meet our own needs. There isn’t anything wrong with meeting our needs. In fact, it is necessary and healthy. But it seems most of us feel that we have only two choices- either meet our own needs and disregard the needs of our children or meet the needs of our children while disregarding our own needs.

What is a parent to do when we feel like it is us vs them? How we honor our own needs and still respect child’s needs? We tend to think of it as either/or, neither/nor, but I believe that we can look at everyone’s needs and find another way that honors and respects everyone. In fact, we must look at everyone’s needs in order to move forward in a healthy way. Does this mean that mom must continue to breastfeed or that she must wean? There aren’t any “shoulds” in this equation. And there isn’t a formula for determining the best path to take or a “one-sized fits all” approach. That scares parents at first, but it also means that the solution is going to be co-created based on your own family’s unique needs and experiences. And that solution is going to work way better than anything you can find in a book! Uncomfortable feelings are a signal that something is out of balance and that we need to look closer to begin to identify what our needs are and then identify what our child’s needs are in this moment.

Sometimes by setting healthy boundaries and recognizing that we can’t meet our child’s every need, we open up the possibilities of connecting in a deeper and more authentic way. If we aren’t feeling like connecting or doing something our child is asking for in her attempt to connect with us and we do it anyway, we aren’t serving anyone. The need isn’t met, which leads our child to continue to make the same request. What the child really needs is to connect deeply with us and they ask to connect in the ways that have worked in the past. So if that’s breastfeeding or throwing a tantrum, this is what our child will do to get that connection need met.

And what happens when we aren’t able to connect? Maybe we’re depleted from a long day. Perhaps we had an argument with our partner or we just aren’t able to meet that need to connect in that moment because we're doing six other critical tasks at that exact moment. This is when our children start to feel like a drain on us, like that need is never met. We feel like we can’t do this connected, conscious parenting thing because we just don’t have enough to give. But maybe, just maybe, we can’t give it in the way they’re asking us to give it. But maybe, just maybe, we can give it another way.

Special thanks to Laural Turner of Capturing Spirit Photography www.capturingspirit.com

We need to remember that it isn’t us vs them. Our needs vs their needs. What can we do at the end of a long day that will meet everyone’s needs? Remember that the more that we pull away from our children, the louder they will get to try to attract our attention. (Ever had the realization that your child's behavior is always the worst when you have the least capacity to deal with it? It isn't an accident...and it isn't malicious, either. It is just your child trying to connect in the only way they know how.)

Let’s go back to the young mom with 2 year old, Sarah. Her daughter needed to connect. She was asking to connect through nursing and mom knew she wasn’t able to nurse at the end of a long day. Her daughter needed her mom’s attention and perhaps physical touch. Nursing was too much for mom in terms of physical touch, but she was willing and able to hold her and read her a story. Saying something to the child like: “I know you’re asking to nurse, but I see that you’re really wanting to connect with me right now. Mama just can’t give num-nums right now, but I’d be happy to hold you and read you a story. We can have num-nums at bedtime” (or whatever you’ve decided your limit is.) Understand that there very well may be some big feelings about the limit, but as Carrie Contey said it our discussion about boundaries, it is better for the child to throw the tantrum than it is for the parent to throw the tantrum! Be with your child and allow them to have their feelings about it. Understand that, as Pam Leo says, this is your child’s hurts cup overflowing and they will feel much better when it is emptied. Be with them and support them through it. (And get support if this is really overwhelming for you. It is OK to ask for help with this!)

Making this small shift made a huge difference for both mom and daughter. Sarah knew where her mom’s limits were and that mom really wanted to meet her needs. Mom learned that it was all right to set that limit and was able to enjoy the time they were spending snuggling together. This mother decided that she didn’t need to wean her daughter right now, but was able to set limits around when she was willing to nurse so that she wasn’t feeling resentful of her daughter or her daughter’s needs.

In order to have a healthy relationship with our children, we need to be aware of our own needs. We can find that balance between meeting our child’s needs and meeting our own needs so that everyone’s needs are respected. This is what our children need to see. So set those gentle limits that still honor and respect your child. It is important for everyone. Remember, when it isn’t working for you, it isn’t working for them in the long run, either.

Join me on Wednesday, August 24 at 10am eastern for a discussion with Cathy Jacobs on Baby Talk Radio, WERU-FM. You can listen live on the internet using this link and clicking the play button at the top of the page. The call will also be archived if you miss it and I'll post that link here when I have it.

Let me know what you think of this topic and if you have any stories about your needs vs their needs in your own life! Have anything you'd like me to talk about on the radio show, please add it to the comments below!

The Myth of Independence

2011-08-16T10:11:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Laurel Turner of Capturing Spirit photography in Clearwater, FL, for the beautiful picture! http://www.capturingspirit.com/

From the time our children emerge from the womb, we're bombarded with questions about how well our babies sleep and eat. These questions sound innocent enough, yet seem to seek that deeper question of how much our children depend on us, how needy they are, and how independent they are from day one. It is unspoken, but it seems that the better our answers are alluding to the un-neediness of our offspring, the "better" we are as parents. And new parents are vulnerable. Even if we don't believe that our children shouldn't be needing us, doubts can creep in unwillingly to even the strongest parent whose baby is getting up again in the middle of the night at (gasp) 8 weeks old. Or 8 months old. Or 18 months old.

My oldest son was colicky. He rarely slept well, seeming uncomfortable most of the time. Eventually, I found he had a severe dairy allergy. This explained it. I was validated as a parent again. It wasn't "me" and "my parenting," it was "reflux" and "allergy's" fault he wasn't sleeping well. Or so I told myself.

The bigger unspoken problem is that babies and young children, in particular, are not designed to be independent. And here's the real shocker: even as adults, we are not meant to be independent, a rock and an island, as Simon and Garfunkel sang about so long ago. Like it or not, we're designed to be interdependent. And all that early programming about how we weren't supposed to need other people that is so pervasive in our society that most of us don't really know what interdependent means.

"Interdependence is and ought to be as much the ideal of man as self-sufficiency. Man is a social being." -Mohandas Gandhi

According to the Free Dictionary, interdependence means to be mutually dependent.

Ugh. Not dependent. We aren't supposed to be dependent on anyone. Right?

But what is dependence? One definition I found stated: "Relying on or requiring a person or thing for support, supply, or what is needed; dependent children."

Yes, we may accept that our children do require a lot of us in terms of support and supplies and lots of other things that are needed and wanted, like leggos and Vans shoes with the bright blue laces. But we, as adults, also require support from others in our lives. This is normal. But it is not common in our society to actually reach out to others on a regular basis. For most of us, it takes something big, such as breaking a femur or having open heart surgery to allow someone to support us and even then you're most likely to get help with childcare and a casserole (which I'm not knocking at all- we all need a good casserole now and then made by someone else to help get us through...). But when we are in emotional pain, the last thing most of us want to do is to reach out to someone else. And you're probably not going to get a casserole for your emotional pain unless you specifically ask for one. We don't want anyone else to know that we're vulnerable and might need some support. We're independent, after all.

When I mention words/ideas like allies, forming a partnership, creating emotional connections with others, you might not flinch. These are good things. We need to work together with others. Allies has a positive vibe to it. And we know that emotional connections with others can be a good thing. But we don't know what it means to be interdependent and we don't know what we're missing by insisting that we're independent.

When we realize how much we truly need each other in daily life- how much we need to connect deeply with one another- we hold the key to the possibilities of deep healing for ourselves and our families. Nothing is more important than connection and relationship. Nothing. Independence is a myth that justifies defending ourselves against actually connecting with others and from facing more hurt inflicted by those who say they love us. But most of us have patterns of relationship with our partners in our current life that keep us in those locked in those same patterns of isolation. It doesn't have to be that way.

The pioneering work of Dr. Sue Johnson with Emotion Focused Couple Therapy leads the way in helping us to understand that even as adults, we need to claim our attachment needs and our interdependent natures. In her book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Dr. Johnson helps us to understand that most of the conflicts we have in our intimate relationships are really about the deep need we all have to be connected.

It is never too late to begin to explore our interdependent nature and to start creating opportunities to reach out to others. Even if you've never really reached out for support before, it is never too late to start. The brain is always capable of changing and creating new patterns. Remember that now. It is never too late!

If you'd like to hear more on this topic, check out our When the Unexpected Happens series. Week 4: We're All in This Together, dived into this topic of our interdependent natures, but the entire series is all about how we can work together in our relationships to heal after something unexpected happens in our lives. Join us for the last two classes for free in our series by signing up here.

And let us know what you think about this blog topic. We love to hear from you!

Phoenix Rising from the Ashes

2011-06-30T10:27:00.000-07:00

The first time I ever heard about the Phoenix rising from the ashes was in reading the Harry Potter series. I was captivated by the idea that out of something that seemed horrible and final was the potential for a rebirth and renewal. I realized that some of the experiences in my life that have seemed the darkest have given me the opportunity to rise up anew and embrace life in a deeper way. Death by fire isn't pleasant, but it has a way of distilling everything down to its elements in a way nothing else could.

When we experience overwhelming life events (could be a car accident, death, divorce, illness, financial struggles, challenging behaviors from our kids we don't understand...), we have a choice. We can look at it as something horrible that is happening to us OR we can look at it as an opportunity to grow and change, to allow ourselves to transform and to deeply heal.

We don't get to a place of acceptance and peace overnight, though. And how easily we're able to navigate the journey depends on our own early attachment stories (or what we've done since we were young to heal those wounds). Are we able to reach out for comfort from others during our times of distress or do we retreat into ourselves? Or do we lash out at others and/or spin in our overwhelming feelings? Ideally, we would all be able to reach out to others in the midst of our distress and accept support. That when we experience our feelings in the presence of another, we would feel better rather than worse. But most of us have never experienced it before and don't know on an emotional level that it is possible. Our parents didn't know it, either, and couldn't give us what they had never experienced themselves.

It is possible and it is very necessary for deep healing. In order to rise out of our own ashes, we need to accept that we're designed to be in relationships and we heal in relationship much more deeply than we could ever "heal" on our own.

I just recorded the first class for our new series, When the Unexpected Happens. We dove much more deeply into the idea of attachment patterns from how feelings were handled when we were growing up and the landscape of the journey after something unexpected happens. The idea that traumatic events aren't always negatively life-altering depending upon the support we're able to seek helps to give hope that all is not lost. In fact, it can be the catalyst for deep healing for ourselves and for our families.

If you missed the live call, you can access the audio for free for the next 48 hours by signing up here. We're also offering support classes (look for the purple boxes halfway down the page) to dive more deeply into the material and see how it applies to your family in small groups starting next week. If you'd like a chance to win a scholarship, send me an email with the reason why you'd like to be part of the class with SCHOLARSHIP in the subject line.

I ended my class today by reading something from A Grateful Heart, a lovely little book of blessings for the evening meal, edited by M. J. Ryan, that I had opened to earlier this week. I'll share it with you now.

Resurrection. The reversal of what was thought to be absolute. The turning of midnight into dawn, hatred into love, dying into living anew.

If we look more closely into life, we will find that resurrection is more than hope, it is our experience. The return to life from death is something we understand at our innermost depths, something we feel on the surface of our tender skin. We have come back to life, not only when we start to shake off a shroud of sorrow that has bound us, but when we begin to believe in all that is still, endlessly possible.

We give thanks for all those times we have arisen from the depths or simply taken a tiny step toward something new. May we be empowered by extraordinary second chances. And as we enter the world anew, let us turn the tides of despair into endless waves of hope.
-Molly Fumia

May you find deep healing for yourself through the challenges of your life, rather than in spite of them. The gifts will rise out of the ashes of your old life, your old worldview, and you will find a new and deeper wholeness. Just know it is there for you to claim after the flames have subsided.

Peace to you...

Where Healing Happens

2011-06-01T17:48:00.000-07:00

Today, I sat with a family in the midst of a time most would call completely overwhelming. Nothing has turned out as they expected- the family they thought they'd have and the experiences they thought they would share as a family have been pulled away one by one.

Like all of us, they only have this moment. Yet, unlike most of us, they know the depths of how fleeting and precious this time we have together really is. Because of that, they showed tremendous courage to be completely authentic with themselves and each other, including the deep emotions they've had surrounding their baby's challenges.

The most intimate moments of connection came out of speaking what was absolutely true for each of them. Opening their hearts and becoming completely vulnerable actually allowed them to connect in a deeper way. Walls crumbled. Hearts opened. Tears fell. There wasn't a dry eye among us, including mine.

Words that had gone unspoken were shared. Feelings held back were expressed. And the vulnerable spot in their hearts they once reserved for one another- the expectation of connection that had been covered over by pain and loss- opened just a bit and began to grow.

And the baby lead the way, teaching us all how to open our hearts, to dig deeper, and to touch our authentic selves. At only a few months old, he had no agenda other than to communicate and to connect deeply with his parents, both of whom are hurting. And maybe he helped them to dig a little deeper into themselves and to move just a little closer to each other in this moment, the only moment we know for sure that we have together.

I felt deeply honored to have shared that moment with them, to watch them come into connection with each other because of their pain, rather than in spite of it. It was about being in the present moment with one another and being where we are without trying to change or fix it. And that's where healing happens.

On This Mother's Day

2011-05-08T14:03:00.000-07:00

When I decided to become a mother, I think my expectation was that mothering would be filled with peace and ease. I was going to make conscious parenting decisions and I just knew that I'd be in awe of how beautiful parenting and my relationship with my kids would be. While there is peace and ease and parenting can be beautiful, that's just not always my day-to-day reality.

No one told me that I would be consumed by this new little person and that my life as I knew it before children was now over. Yet no one told me that this little person would shape me and call me to be a much better person, to reach into the depths of my soul and reflect who I really was deep down inside. I didn't realize it was a call to heal those deeply wounded parts of me in ways that I wouldn't have healed otherwise. I knew it would be a journey, but I didn't know how much pain and joy could be held in a single moment until I became a mother.

I've struggled to find the "right" path for my family. So many decisions- Ultrasounds or doppler only? Induce? Midwife or OB? Vaccinate, partially vaccinate, not vaccinate? Co-sleep or use a crib? Breastfeed? What do I do about the biting? The not sleeping? That mysterious rash? Gluten or no gluten? Ear infections- antibiotics, probiotics, homeopathics, Pediatrician or chiropractor? Preschool? Homeschool? Private school? Unschool? Vegetarian or are we eating meat? If we're eating meat, where am I buying it? Is it allergies or something else? How do I set limits with my child in a loving way? Sibling issues- how do I handle those with love? These are the kinds of things that weigh heavily on mothers and that can keep us up at night. We want to make the "right" decisions for our child and for our family. We care deeply.

While some would argue that there are no mistakes in parenting, I know there are many times when I've felt like I wasn't doing it right, good enough, or that I had surely ruined my children. There are plenty of things that I would do differently if I could go back in time, but I think it is another important motherhood lesson is to learn to forgive myself and remember that I was and I am doing the best that I can. Always, and not just when things work out the way I think they should. I've never once woken up in the morning and said to myself, "I'm going to be a lousy parent today. Let's see what I can do to mess up my kids or make bad decisions on their behalf." Yet, there are times when it is hard to let it all go, to embrace myself with compassion, and know that I'm actually right on schedule- that the timing of everything is perfect and divine, even when- maybe especially when- I'm not feeling it in that moment.

Parenting is challenging, especially when you strive to parent consciously. And it is even harder because most of us are under-supported and trying to do too much on our own. And while the number of consciously parenting folks are increasing, it can still seem like we're the only one we know. I didn't realize that I would have times I felt so isolated surrounded by other parents.

I don't have all the answers. Sometimes I feel like I don't know anything and wonder what I was thinking to sign up for this parenting thing (on purpose) more than once, let alone supporting other parents. It is humbling. And it is in those moments that I'm reminded how much we all need each other. What I can't see in my own life and parenting, my friends usually can. And I know that I do the same for other parents, despite (and probably because of) my own parenting disappointments and challenges. I know in my heart that parenting consciously is probably the most important thing that I'll ever do. And I know in my heart that, through all the highs and the lows, I wouldn't really change much about our journey. Do I wish it was less painful sometimes? Yes. But is it worth it? Absolutely. Mothering has made me who I am today and who I will become will be indelibly shaped by my time spent parenting my children. I do not know what lies ahead, but I know that somehow we're going to figure it out together one day at a time.

Mother's Day is a wonderful reason to do something extra nurturing for yourself and I hope that's what you've been doing today. But remember that we can't save our nurturing time for once a year. I hope that every day, you find a way to celebrate your mothering journey, even in small ways. After all, this is the most important work we'll ever do. If we don't appreciate ourselves, no one else will, either.

Happy Mother's Day,
Rebecca

Back from Cozumel, with so much to share!

2011-03-07T08:02:00.000-08:00

I think I'm still floating a little bit from the cruise. Being together with twenty parents and children, many of whom had different life circumstances and were at different life stages, who could connect so fully with one another was definitely a highlight of my year. It was, I believe, nearly the perfect blend of time together, time apart, time learning together, time to play, time to heal, and time to just be.

If you asked my 7 year old what his favorite part was, he would tell you about the sting ray he saw being chased by a large fish when he went snorkeling in Cozumel with his dad and older brother. And then, he would tell you about all the desserts he enjoyed. My older son, who is 12, probably wouldn't answer the question (he's 12, after all), but I think he enjoyed the freedom that the boat allowed him. I knew he couldn't go very far and so he was able to enjoy hanging out with the other kids on the boat, including his new friend, Andy, who was part of our group.

I really enjoyed our late night chats on the back of the Lido deck when we could share a little more about our lives. The last night we were on the boat, Josh, my 7 year old, fell asleep in a chair while we talked nearby as the warm air blew in off the ocean and the ship gently rocked him to sleep.

We learned about the Masgutova Method of reflex integration (sounds boring, but we were ALL riveted... Did you know that the eye muscles don't finish developing until a child is 8 or 9 and that eyes were really intended for mostly long-distances and occasional close-up work, not the other way around like it is today with our children? I didn't.) We also learned about Birth Matrix Reimprinting and heard stories of mothers changing patterns around their births (past and future) using EFT and understanding how connected we all are to one another. And Writing Down Your Soul- a divine way to get out of your conscious mind and access your deeper wisdom. We also heard about One Brain, as a path to healing through a multitude of healing tools, and got to experience part of a session.

We had a craft time that was intended to be for the kids, but I am honestly not sure who enjoyed it more! We made our own personal "journals" or Soul Books, as Janet Conner might call them, to record our experiences on the ship.

The first full day at sea, a group of us gathered in our meeting space on the ship and shared our journey to becoming a parent. After it was over, one of the parents let me know that this was one of the most powerful parts of the entire experience for her. Everyone who shared that morning had experienced some major trauma themselves and/or with their children. Perhaps we all just think that we're the only ones who are struggling and that most people just aren't going to understand why it is hard for US. She left the ship with something she didn't expect- to know that she really wasn't alone.

I watched as dads would gather on the pool deck or at dinner time, hungry not only for the amazing food on the ship or the chocolate melting cake, but also for the company of one another. I think we all left the ship feeling like we're just not alone. We all left with resources we didn't know existed and new ways of looking at ourselves and our children that are all full of hope.

It took me quite a few days to adjust to life back on land, not just because the land didn't seem to be moving (even though I felt like it was!), mostly because I had just left a space where we could all be real with one another and where somehow the world would never be the same.

I'm planning to have more events like this. If you'd like to join us for next time, please let me know what you'd like to see or where you'd like it to happen. I get the final vote, of course, but I'd LOVE to hear from you.

Everyone needs community--even dads!

2011-02-18T06:30:00.000-08:00

We’re getting ready to go on our cruise and by the time this is posted, we will be out in the Caribbean somewhere basking in the sun and each other’s company. I’m heading out on The Consciously Parenting Project’s first cruise retreat with some of the most amazing parents- ever. We haven’t left the port yet as I’m writing this, yet something interesting has been happening with my husband. You see, some people that I met in person over a year ago needed a place to stay before the cruise. My husband agreed that they could stay, but I could tell he wasn’t really excited about it. But being the good husband that he is, he humored me and took my word for it that he would like them. What has happened since they arrived? My husband has found a friend.

My friend and I were reflecting on this very topic last night. Moms just do what they have to do, in general, to find other moms to talk to and share their lives. Dads have it rough. It seems that they have to find another reason to get together- like drinking beer or something. But what has been happening here in my house when two dads were together in the same room has been heartwarming and truly what everyone has been needing.

I’m really excited to see how all the families come together this weekend on the Carnival Inspiration, especially if we haven’t even made it to port and there is already this much connection. We have several dads who are coming along with their families or their wives, so I can’t wait to see how they are able to connect with each other. They probably aren’t going to expect this to be good for them, too.

If you’re a dad, how do you connect with other dads? If you’re a mom, how does your husband connect with other dads? Have any positive stories to share? I’d love to hear them. Next week, I’ll give you an update about how things went on the cruise for the moms, dads, and kids who took a voyage on the Carnival Inspiration!

Can I help you create a virtual community of support?

2011-02-11T11:57:00.000-08:00

Comment from reader: I have really looked to find other parents who believe in parenting from a conscious place and I’m just not sure they exist in my community. I know that finding others in person is the best plan, but what can I do to get support now? Any suggestions?

This is a really great question and one that I hear often from parents- moms and dads from every corner of the globe. Recently, I have received many requests for opportunities to connect with other like-minded parents. I personally have had much success finding support from online groups, as well as over the phone. When I didn’t have a strong local support for whatever I was dealing with OR I didn’t necessarily want to open up to someone I might run into next week at the grocery store, the computer seemed to be a great place to start to look for support.

2008 Consciously Parenting Retreat in St. Pete Beach, FL

A couple of years ago, a group of parents from around the world came together for a tele-class I taught. There was a mom from Australia and a mom from Oregon. Michigan, Wisconsin, New York, and Florida were also represented. Most had adopted children. All were interested in learning more about trauma - their child’s or their own - so they came together for that purpose. When the tele-class ended, no one wanted it to end. Even though I had no more curriculum ready to teach, I said that I would figure it out and offered to continue to open the space for them to come and discuss their challenges and ask their questions, so we continued to "meet" over the phone. After a little while, they learned to really listen to and support one another, and they each grew from being able to support someone else. They had support when they needed it. When I had a live retreat in 2008, all but one (who had recently lost her job) came from around the globe to meet one another - to meet these people they had never met in person before, but who had changed their lives forever.

That experience moved me. Who knew how powerful talking on the phone once every two weeks could be, along with a private space for questions and conversations in the meantime? And each of them grew in ways that they didn’t know they could. The each knew that no matter what they needed to bring up, they would have listeners who could hear what they needed to say without judgment. Isn’t that what we all want? To be able to say what is really going on with us instead of just what we think someone else wants to hear?

So I’m considering starting another venture like the one I just mentioned, with parents who are wanting to come together and talk on the phone once every two weeks with opportunity for a private forum for discussions in between. I’m looking for a group no larger than 8 people who are wanting to learn how to apply the principles of Consciously Parenting to their lives. You’d need to be willing to take a look at what is going on in your home and to support others in doing the same from a place of love, honoring that everyone has their own journey. This group will be moderated and guided. If it would be easier to start with a class to have a basic foundation of information, I’m happy to do that, too. This group will be open to parents with children of any age, and families of any size, shape, or story as to how you became a family. The glue that holds us together is the fact that we are here to parent consciously and to look deeply at our stories. Tell me what you need and let’s figure out how to create it!

The cost of this venture will be minimal, at about $50/mo, which is less than one hour of consultation with me. A sliding scale is available if you have financial need.

What do you think? Would you find such a group helpful? If so, what appeals the most to you about it? If not, what would help you more?

Next week, I’ll be on my way to Cozumel, Mexico on the Consciously Parenting Project’s February cruise! I’m looking forward to some sun, and some time to play, relax, and connect with some of the most incredible families on the planet who are all excited about being warm for a few days! I’ll tell you all about it when I get back!

P.S. I’m also working on a more in-depth program for those who would like to dive in deep. This would involve training over the phone/internet monthly and two in-person groups in the Tampa/Clearwater area over about a year’s time. This would be perfect for those who are looking to really do some deep work themselves and/or for those who are professionals supporting other families in any capacity. Let me know if you’re interested in something like that, too!

Where Do You Find Your Like Minded Friends?

2011-02-04T11:36:00.000-08:00

I had just moved to a new town and didn’t know any other parents. The weather was hot -- way too hot to take my 18 month old to the park -- and I stopped by a consignment shop I had seen while I was driving around.

While I was there, wandering around with my 18 month old exploring the child play area, another mom came in with a girl a little older than my son. Our children started playing together in the play area and soon she and I began a conversation. It turned out that she had recently moved to the area, too, and was looking for help with her daughter. Thus began a long friendship of mutual support. Even though we both later moved, we still kept in touch through our subsequent pregnancies, job challenges, and life’s surprises.

My friend, Tamsen, and I didn’t make all the same decisions regarding our parenting, but we found that we were both parents who cared a great deal and went out of our way to do what was best for our children. We were great support for one another and our families enjoyed each other’s company. Who would have thought that would be the case with someone I met at a children’s consignment shop seemingly by chance?

Do you have any stories of how you’ve met other parents or people who became a good support to you? Let’s inspire each other with the interesting ways that we find each other! What’s YOUR story?

Seeking Parenting Support? Consider Starting Your Own Group!

2011-01-28T07:45:00.000-08:00

Comment from reader: I would love to have meetings in my community where parents can gather together to support each other in their consciously parenting efforts and even to offer information and guidance to parents who feel that things just aren't going the way they had hoped. Maybe you could offer some advice on how to start something like that, some discussion topics to consider, and some suggested reading materials. I do not have any support for the way I parent and I never have. (My youngest is 11). It has been difficult at times to stand strong and stick with what I feel is right, rather than what everyone else thinks I should do. I have a feeling that there are others in my community that feel the same way, it's just a matter of finding each other.

Response: So how do we find other parents who are also consciously parenting? How do we create a group of parents-- moms and dads-- who can support one another in a way that no one feels judged or “less-than” because they breastfed or didn’t breastfeed, because they send their children to school or they unschool, because they work or they stay home with their kids? There just seems to be a constant measuring stick that parents use and that we all use on ourselves. How do we get out of that trap? How can we connect authentically with each other? After all, we’re all parents. We all have similar struggles learning how to parent in this day and age. We all get frustrated and tired, yet we all make the choice to keep going and keep trying to make things better for ourselves and for our families.

I’ve been reading and researching how to create a positive, supportive group of parents for my upcoming cruise and for my own local school community. You may also find it helpful, so I’ll share some of my research with you in hopes that those of you who are looking for a community and are willing to do the work to create it can start moving that forward.

When we start to realize that parents have more in common than not, we can open the door to finding parents with whom we can connect. When I first began seeking a community, I was looking for other moms who were just like me-- moms who were making the same decisions I was, had children the same age as me, etc. After lots of time passed and I had many experiences with parents I perceived as different, I learned that I would have missed some real gems if I had applied my parenting filter. Now, I’m not opposed to connecting with someone who has made a lot of the same decisions as I have, but I realized that I’m first looking for someone who at least thinks about these things. Many parents don’t.

Each and every parent needs to make the decisions that they can live with. And that’s not about me. Yes, I need to be with parents who are making decisions that are at least somewhat congruent with my core values (i.e. I have a very hard time hanging out with parents who are spanking, for example, as their primary method of discipline and who aren’t questioning why they’re doing it or seeking a better way if that’s what they grew up with.) So, the first thing you may want to do is to figure out your own core values. Where is your tolerance for other parents? It will be given back to you.

I remember a conversation with my midwife when my first son was about 5 months old. We had met for lunch and I was lamenting how difficult it was to find others to spend time with that I could deeply connect with. She said something at the time that I remember hit me like a ton of bricks. “Find other mothers who are staying at home.” What?! Lots of mothers stay home and that doesn’t mean that I would like to hang out with them. But she was right-- at the time, it was a great place to start, and it opened up my idea of where I could find other parents.

In time, I did connect with some other moms who also worked. In fact, one of my best friends had to return to work just 4 weeks after her daughter was born. But the way that my friend approached meeting her daughter’s needs while working really warmed my heart. She always put her daughter first and approached this new challenge with an open heart and mind very consciously, respecting her daughter’s need (and her own need) to be close to her as much as possible. Consciously was the key.

That’s when I realized that parenting from a conscious place was what needed to be the priority for me. That’s why I think www.mothering.com is such a great resource for finding like-minded parents and professionals. They do not always agree with one another. In fact, they are a very spirited group with lots of opinions. But the ability to question and to see a different point of view sets them apart. (Check out Find Your Tribe in their forums. They have a space for people to connect around the world.)

As my children grew older and we moved several times, I found myself starting over looking for a community. Many times, I just started a group and people seemed to come out of the woodwork to join me. Over the years, I ran groups for Attachment Parenting International, La Leche League, Families for Natural Living (now Families for Conscious Living), as well as a few of my own groups.

When starting a group, come together to find your common ground. Avoid polarizing topics like vaccinations. If you know some other parents who seem even somewhat open, invite them to come and talk about what matters most to them as parents. If you don’t know anyone, consider putting up signs at your local health food store. A simple flyer might say, for example, “Small group of parents gathering to share their joys and challenges of parenting consciously. Call ______ .”? How would you feel if you read something like that? Since we’re all so connected via the internet, consider starting a Facebook page for your local conscious community and see what happens. But I would suggest starting with a gathering in the park when the weather is nice or meet up at a local indoor playground, or other public place where parents and young children might like to be. Invite parents to your home, if that feels right to you. Informal is good.

Short of providing training directly in how to lead a parenting group, the best advice I can offer is to listen, listen, listen. When we are truly there to hold the space and we know that each person in the room is doing the best that they can AND that they are striving to do better, we can be the listener we want to have with our own parenting struggles. What we all want, more than anything else, is to be seen and to be heard. When other parents catch wind that there is a place where they can go and not be judged, they will come in droves.

Consider this: If we’re all in our own homes feeling isolated and alone, that means that there are a lot of people feeling the same way. And that means that there are a lot of us to find out there in the world to connect with. Indeed, there is a world of possibilities because so many parents are indeed feeling like they’re the only one. We need to find our similarities. We need to realize that we are only alone if we believe that we are. Reach out. Put it out there and you will find others who are looking for the same thing.

Honestly, it never ceases to amaze me how many parents I speak with say the same thing. From urban areas like Boston or Chicago to rural farm communities, and around the world from Australia and New Zealand to Germany, moms and dads are saying the same thing: I’m the only one. Nobody gets it. That tells me that there is a whole world of people who get it. We just need to find one another. We just need to know that we really aren’t alone and open up to the limitless possibilities out there.

If you’ve started groups in your community, I’d love for you to share your experience. What was it like? Where did you find other parents? What would you say to someone who is just starting to look for others or maybe has been looking and hasn’t found anyone yet? Together, we can support one another. Your voice matters.

Let me know if you have any questions after reading this blog. How else can I support you? Thanks for being there!

Where do you find your parenting support?

2011-01-21T10:30:00.000-08:00

The challenge of being a parent today isn’t a lack of information. In fact, information overload has made parenting more challenging. Especially when you consider that the answers for your family aren’t going to come from the outside, but from within yourself. After all, who knows you and your family better? Sometimes, though, we find ourselves needing some guidance or some suggestions beyond the usual time-outs or other parenting strategies that just don’t seem to be working.

Who do you listen to? Where do you turn when you’re really struggling with a parenting decision or when you’re at the end of your rope? What does your support network look like? Do you have a support network or do you feeling like you’re parenting all alone?

Two weeks ago, I had the great honor of participating in a discussion group of parents with young children. The facilitator, Evelyn Ojeda-Fox, owner of The Peaceful Birth Project in Clearwater, FL, has created a beautiful space for the women to gather with their children and talk about what is really important to them. This unique space allows the women to find their own voice as they listen to other mothers share their own experiences, while still creating the space for the mother to make her own decision about what’s best for her unique family. It made me think of all the times that I needed that and didn’t have it. And how many moms need it, but don’t have it.

Do you have a place to go where you can say what’s really going on for you without fear of judgment? Do you have a friend you can call after your latest blow up with your kids and express how you’re really feeling?

I know that lots of parents are feeling alone out there. What do you need? How can we support you?
We just had a great virtual conference to create an opportunity for parents to get new information and parenting support no matter where in the world you live. Did you join us? Did you find it helpful as you navigate the shift that is happening in parenting? I’d love to hear from you!

Parenting Tools We All Can Use

2011-01-11T10:53:00.000-08:00

Now that you’re really thinking about this idea that we’re in the middle of a paradigm shift and we’ve got a lot of shifting going on, we need some real TOOLS to help us in the midst of our daily challenges. This is where you can dive into some of our tools for healing conversations. Listen in as Sarah MacLaughlin discusses some great tips for toddlers and young children. This very down to earth discussion with a social worker, author, and mom of a toddler will leave you feeling inspired with some simple ideas you can apply immediately.

Have older children? Want some tools that you can use for yourself and your kids? Join our conversation with Denise Schnell, mom of 3 daughters (including two teens), on Keeping it Positive. You can learn about the One Brain technique (and a session is included as a bonus for the first 25 people who purchase the package and sign up) and some great things you can do in your own home right after you listen to the session.

Have you wanted a more in-depth understanding of emotions and emotional literacy? Just like we want our children to be literate with reading, we also all need to be literate with the language of feelings. Carmine Leo guides us through this process of understanding more about ourselves and our children. And don’t miss the conversation with a mom struggling with connecting with one of her children as she learns to apply the ideas of emotional literacy to her family.

Remember, these discussions and much more are available for you to listen to at NO COST for 48 hours over this coming weekend! Click here to register!

When the Shift Hits the Fan

2011-01-09T20:47:00.000-08:00

Did you realize that we’re in the middle of a huge parenting paradigm shift? If you’ve been hanging out with us here at The Consciously Parenting Project for any length of time, you’ve already realized that we don’t look at things in the same old way. In fact, we may have said things that seemed like we were speaking a foreign language when it comes to your kids and your parenting. Bruce Lipton, author of The Biology of Belief, in his brilliant lecture at the ICPA conference in Washington, DC in October, discussed the shift in which we now find ourselves. This is a time around the world that what we thought we knew is falling apart. He went on to say that the way our society and our world is running isn’t sustainable and everything is shifting because it simply must.

I’ve been feeling the earth moving under my own feet and have observed it happening with many of the people I know, too. Bruce Lipton declared that it needs to happen and that he welcomes it. Wow- I wasn’t that excited about it before. But it means that we are open to many new possibilities that simply didn’t exist before. While the unknowns of it all are still somewhat scary, I left feeling very hopeful.

I teamed up with Lisa Reagan, founder of Families for Conscious Living and editor of Pathways Magazine, and we spoke together at the conference about what this shift looks like in families. What does it mean for you and for me? Where do we get stuck?

I loved Lisa’s take on what we think this shift means (we need to do lots MORE on our already overflowing to do list) and what it actually means (we’re changing out our to-do lists for a different way of looking at our parenting and our lives). This great conversation is a nice place to start in understanding what the paradigm shift actually means to you and me in our every day lives. I also shared my Brain Stoplight ™ tool to give you a new way of looking at your own behaviors using our current understanding of the brain in very simple terms.

You can listen to this conversation and many others for FREE next weekend starting at 6pm Eastern (New York time), Friday, January 14 until Sunday, January 16 at 6pm EDT. When the Shift Hits the Fan: Empowered Parenting in the Paradigm Shift with me (Rebecca Thompson) and Lisa Reagan. It is a great way to set the stage for this amazing conference where we’ll be Navigating the Current!

This is a great way to start off your year- inspired by some of the most interesting people working with parents today! Be sure to join us by registering here!

Navigating the Current

2011-01-07T09:02:00.000-08:00

I am delighted to formally announce our first ever Virtual Conference! This is a unique way to hear some incredible parenting tips and sample some of our parenting teleclasses on your own time over an entire weekend!

I’ve been blessed to connect with some of the foremost thinkers in parenting and you get to have a free listen to some of our most powerful interviews. This is information that conscious moms and dads are seeking and isn’t the same recycled parenting tidbits that you’ve heard over and over before. We’ll share wisdom that respects your role as a parent to decide what works best for you AND gives you the information you need to make an informed decision, from the best of what research is showing us about our biology (including brain science), our physiology, and our sociology.

What is a Virtual Conference? It's a conference that you’ll have access to over your computer. For 48 hours, you’ll have unlimited access to all the audios we’ve recorded for this conference. You don’t have to wait until a particular time to hear a session that sounds interesting to you. You can go in to any of the recordings at any time during the 48 hours. Isn’t that great?!

How much does it cost? It is completely FREE during the 48 hours to listen to on your computer. I want to give you access to some of the best parenting information available and it won’t cost you anything but time. (I believe it is truly an investment in your family to take this time!)

What if I want to be able to download the audios so that I can listen to them any time I want? We have a very affordable package for those of you who wish to purchase the audios. You’ll also have access to some great bonuses when you purchase the audio package. You'll also have access right away so you can start listening now. Check it out here.

What topics are included? Our themes include play, healing, and community. From conversations about how parents can incorporate play into their families, how parents can create more balance in family life, to specific healing modalities that you probably haven’t heard about- like Birth Matrix Reimprinting- you’ll find something that you need to hear right now!

Who can participate? Moms, dads, foster parents, grandmas and grandpas, aunts, uncles, teachers, administrators, mental health professionals, doulas, midwives, and anyone else who cares about children.

How do I sign up? Just click here and enter your name and email in the box. Instructions for accessing the conference will be sent to you. Be sure to watch for a confirmation email if you haven’t registered with us previously. We can’t send you more information until you click and that could mean that you could miss it! (And that would be tragic!)

When is this Virtual Conference? The conference will be held the weekend of January 14-16 from 6pm January 14 Eastern time (New York time) until 6pm Eastern Sunday, January 16. Check here for a time zone clock. I’ve done my best to schedule this conference so that no matter where you are in the world, you’ll be able to have a time that is convenient for you!

Keep watching over the next week for more information. I’ll be highlighting some of my favorite sessions so that you can use your time wisely on the topics that most resonate with what you need to hear. Until then, happy parenting!

Healing Your Balance

2011-01-05T17:47:00.000-08:00

As I embark on this New Year, I’m feeling optimistic. As I work with families with a wide array of challenges, I’m reminded how important it is to maintain some sort of balance in our own lives, as individuals (and as a couple if you’re in a relationship), so that our children can maintain some sort of balance, too.

It is so easy to over-schedule ourselves living in this time of being accessible 24/7 via phone, computer, text, and email to name a few, and with so many other distractions. Remember that our grandparents never had to worry about being woken in the middle of the night when a letter arrived (perhaps via Pony Express? lol). They didn’t even have TV in the middle of the night, since the stations shut off and all the stores closed by 8pm, if not earlier!

And now we have Super Walmart and hundreds of channels on day and night. We have so many distractions that many of us are feeling really overwhelmed right now. We have a constant pull on our time in so many directions. How do you make it all work? I know that I’ve been working to simplify my life quite a bit. I have been asking the question, “Is this really necessary?” quite a bit. Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes it is no.

Last month, I did an interview with Joan Almon and we talked about the importance of balance. Most importantly, we talked about how to create it in a family. It was a great reminder for me of how important it is for all of us to make the time to play (even the grown-ups) and if you (as the parent) are worn out by your child’s schedule, then it is probably too much for your child, too. You can listen to the whole interview full of great parenting tips for free the weekend of January 14-16. Click here for more information.

We talked a lot about the importance of unstructured play time for our children and that we, as adults, also need time to just be and to play. Next time, I’ll be talking more about play and how we can add it into our day with our children, regardless of their age.

I love to hear from you, so let me know more about what is working or not working for you regarding balance in your family.

Storytelling 101

2011-01-02T19:19:00.000-08:00

All behavior is a communication. This is one of the guiding principles of Consciously Parenting. In fact, it is the first principle because it is really important to understand. Our children are constantly telling their stories to us through their behavior. In fact, they’re also telling parts of our stories, too. The question is, are we listening and can we hear them?

I once heard a story about how the first Native Americans weren’t able to see the first explorers' large sailing vessels off shore. They had no experience with that sort of thing and they weren’t looking for it. In fact, what they noticed first is that there were strange ripples in the water and eventually they were able to see the boat. They had no context for a large boat to be way out in the water and they weren’t looking for it; therefore, they weren’t able to see it. So it is with our children and their behaviors. If we’re not looking for something, we’re probably not going to find it.

We don’t have to know the whole story to tell a story. For example, with children who are adopted, we may not know what happened to them before they came home to us, but our children are going to tell us their stories through their behaviors. When we are present with them, we are going to be able to start to see the ripples in the water at first. Notice what is hard for them. And tell them what you do know. With adopted children in particular, you might start by telling the story of how they became a part of your life- from the first thoughts of adoption until they were finally home.

When we have a story that we’d like to tell to our child, the first step is to create connection and to slow everyone down. Ray Castellino suggests that everyone in the room make brief frequent eye contact with one another. It helps if the parents or adults in the room take some nice deep breaths and find a space of calm within themselves before ever saying a word.

It also helps to have two layers of support. For instance, if we are telling a story to a baby or young child, we’d want to have the person telling the story and then a person supporting the storyteller. (i.e. If mom is telling the story to her baby, perhaps dad or grandma would support mom. This person needs to be someone safe, though.)

Touch is also really important for telling a story, respecting everyone’s individual needs and tolerances. If the child is young enough that they think sitting on your lap is a good idea, put them on your lap and look into their eyes. When I tell stories with my 11 year old, we sit side by side, since he is a little too big to be on my lap for long.

Storytelling isn’t something that we’re going to hurry up and say. It is important that we speak slowly and take lots of pauses. This is important for them and for us. We’re working to integrate the story- or to bring the words and the body memory together-and we can’t do that when we’re going too fast. When difficult things happen (like a birth trauma), they often happen too quickly too process. By telling the story again (and again and again), it allows us to go slowly enough to process what happened and to start to make sense of it. If you find yourself talking faster or feeling overwhelmed by the story, take a pause before you continue. It is what everyone needs.

We don’t have to tell them every detail. Even if you know what happened, you don’t have to describe the epidural process. Simple language is all that is needed. They need the basics of their story at first. As they grow older, they may be ready for more, but keep it simple with young children. For example, “The doctor needed to help you come out and used something like a vacuum cleaner on the top of your head to pull you out because you were stuck.” When you’re connected to your child, you’ll know what to say. Follow your own inner guidance.

We can end our story time by saying how we wanted it to go instead. When a birth, for example, didn’t go as we had planned or when we’ve understood that something happened to them that has affected them (even if we didn’t know it mattered at the time), we can’t go back and change that. But we can look into their eyes and let them know how we wished it could have been for them. This is a moment of amazing connection for parents and their kids and everyone begins to heal.

When we start to connect with our children’s stories- both through the telling and by listening in a different way to what they’re sharing about their stories- we open up to a new kind of relationship with our children. Sometimes the storytelling really helps a child to sleep more soundly. Sometimes transitions during the daytime get easier. But, new possibilities for understanding and changing behavior patterns almost always begin to emerge.

Can Everyone Benefit From Storytelling?

2010-12-17T14:57:00.000-08:00

Hi Rebecca,

I've been meaning to email for a week or so, to give you an update on Timmy's world since the telling of his birth story. We haven't told the story for about a week now, but that feels fine - I think both Timmy and I are feeling in a good space right now, either partly or solely due to the story-telling. His transitions are so much easier now, particularly nap, bath and bed times - everything seems to flow much more right now. We really seemed to connect when I told him the story - he would listen so intently (even after the 20th or so time!!) and gaze at me with his beautiful big eyes. Incredible!

Thank you for helping me through this one - my mind has been opened even more!

Mom of 2 ½ year old, New Zealand

I so appreciate hearing from families who have been willing to give this story telling idea a go just to see what happens, even if it seems a bit strange at first. I think it has become more and more clear to me that we don’t really understand the life of babies and young children. What is clear to me is that children and parents alike both benefit from hearing and telling stories. The reality is that this is something that parents can do themselves from home with just a little bit of guidance and a dash of curiosity to see what happens.

It isn’t a miracle cure. It isn’t a quick fix. For most families, it would take about 3 weeks to see a big change in the sleep patterns from using the story telling ideas we’re presenting. Interestingly, it is about the same amount of time that it takes using cry-it-out to change a sleep pattern without the negative consequences to the brain and the relationship.

The example that I gave in my last blog about Beata was what Beth was able to accomplish after listening to our free teleseminar. This was something that resonated with Beth and she had nothing to lose to try it with her daughter. (You can listen to the same free teleseminar now by clicking here.) This didn't fix all of Beata’s sleep problems. She was still having difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep, but Beth saw a difference and it felt like they were moving in the right direction for her family.

I’m really passionate about helping families find information and support that resonates with their belief systems. When what we’re doing isn’t working, we need to look elsewhere. If our current understanding isn’t giving us the results we desire, we need to raise our level of consciousness and that sometimes means opening up to ideas that are outside of our comfort zone. Bravo to all the families who are open to trying these new ideas to see if it fits into their family’s world or not.

Better Sleep Through Storytelling

2010-11-20T09:17:00.000-08:00

Beata, 2 ½, had always been a restless sleeper. It was a challenge to get her to sleep each night, and once asleep she would burrow herself into the side of one of her parents. She woke up screaming inconsolably from her naps each day and many times at night, as well. Sleep training was something that her parents decided they did not want to do, but Scott and Beth were tired. More than that, they knew that Beata was probably not getting a good night’s sleep, either.

Beata’s mom, Beth, listened to an interview I did with Ray Castellino about how our first experiences of birth and our early life can have an impact on our ability to sleep. Beata had spent the first week of her life in a NICU by herself after her mother had given her up for adoption. Beth listened to our conversation and decided to tell Beata the story of what happened to her when she was a tiny baby. Here’s what Beth had to say about the call with Ray and I and what happened when she decided to try the ideas:

“The thing that struck me so deeply was that, while we had talked with Beata about everything, about adoption, who her birth family was, and about us and how she came to us, we had never discussed her hospital experience with her. So one mother who Ray spoke with [on the call] had a child who had spent some time in the hospital. After listening to his discussion with her, I was inspired that that needed to happen with Bea, and that day after I listened to the call, she woke up from her nap, and she did at that time screaming inconsolably, as she did often waking up from naps, and on that day I talked to her about her hospital experience. It was one of the most profound experiences that I’ve had. She just buried her head on my chest, and I asked her if she wanted to talk about when she was in the hospital, and she nodded yes, and I asked her if she wanted to talk about it or if she wanted me to talk about it, and she indicated me. So I just described what my understanding of the situation and what my emotions were around it. After I was done I said to her, “I’ve always wondered how you felt about it,” and she picked her head up off my chest and said, “I FELT ANGRY.” It was spine chilling, really, and beautiful. And then she was done. And since that time, Bea has been waking up crying from naps so significantly less it’s remarkable.”

As a society, we think that our babies cannot possibly remember what happened prenatally, at their births, or post-partum. We rarely address our own feeling of helplessness when a birth doesn’t go as we expect and may give little thought to our babies. If we do consider the impact of their birth, we have no idea what to do about it. “We all lived through it.” “It’s over now.” “We’re moving forward.”

But events that are unprocessed and unintegrated live on and affect our lives. This isn’t about feeling guilt about the way a birth went. It is about realizing that birth and the time before we have conscious memories does matter. It is also about realizing that we can support our children and seek support for ourselves if we are still stuck somehow in a less than ideal birth situation no matter how long ago it may have happened.

Like Beata, our children need to hear their birth stories and have an opportunity to share their experiences. Ray Castellino and Mary Jackson’s work starts with expectant parents. Even newborns can benefit from hearing their stories and they can even join in the telling through body movements, sounds, or their behaviors. Beata was telling part of her story from her early days in the hospital every time she woke up screaming. When we start to understand that our children are actually communicating something to us through their behaviors and enter into these challenges with a sense of wonderment, we create an opportunity to understand each other much more deeply.

Our young children often tell their stories during the night when they would ideally be sleeping. When we can acknowledge their story during the day and remind them that “night time is for sleeping, daytime is for stories,” everyone will start to sleep better.

Next week, I’ll share some specific strategies to incorporate when telling stories with your babies or young children during the daytime. I’d love to hear your questions. Ray and Mary said they would be willing to answer specific questions if you have them as we move through this blog series. Feel free to post them below and we’ll do our best to answer them.

Do we have mistaken ideas about sleep?

2010-11-11T09:38:00.000-08:00

My oldest son wasn’t a very good sleeper. In fact, I didn’t know how little sleep one could survive on and still talk in complete sentences until he came into my life. When he was diagnosed with colic and reflux, I was told to prop him up to sleep and to feed him rice cereal in a bottle (which I didn’t do). I was told that he would out-grow his night waking as the months went by and was reassured by countless parents that all children do eventually sleep. And he did eventually sleep. At 11, my challenge is now to get him out of bed!

It seems that sleep-deprived parents are given two choices: cry- it-out or just wait until they outgrow it. But is there another way? Was my son’s lack of sleep more than just an inconvenience? Was he trying to communicate something to me through his night waking?

A few months ago, I recorded an audio series with Ray Castellino and Mary Jackson about infant and toddler sleep. I was amazed to learn that the way that a baby comes into the world has a profound effect on the way that a baby sleeps or doesn’t sleep. In fact, through their work at BEBA (Building and Enhancing Bonding and Attachment) in Santa Barbara, CA, Ray and Mary have learned that babies communicate with their parents at night (when they have our full and undivided attention) through waking, body movements, and sounds to tell their story. When babies’ stories are expressed and listened to during the day, sleep improves.

This idea intrigued me. Was it possible that my son’s very quick birth had been difficult for him? Was it possible that he was communicating the stress he had felt during my pregnancy with him while I was working 70 hours/week doing home visits for my master’s degree? Or the preterm labor that landed us in the hospital on medications to stop my labor? Or the pitocin that was used to start my labor after my water broke at term? Could that really affect his sleep?

My 11 year old, as I mentioned, is sleeping just fine; however, I am working with families with children who aren’t sleeping well. What happens to a child’s sleep patterns when we support a child to tell his story?

In my blog next week, I’ll share some things that parents can do to see this challenge in a different light and start moving toward more peaceful night sleeps no matter how old your child is now. I’m excited to share this ground-breaking clinical experience with you and your family.

30 Day Challenge: Shifting Expectations

2010-10-06T12:07:00.000-07:00

I must confess that when I started September with a focus on taking good care of myself, I was secretly hoping that this month would good. Fun, even. Sure, I'd have days that were challenging for me, but going at a slower pace and nurturing myself would really help to off-set the yuck I'd encountered in the past. I know that I've really needed to nurture myself and I was hoping that if I would just take the time to acknowledge what this month is really like for me, all would be swell.

Reality check.

I had days where I felt totally lost. Times when I just wanted to sit and cry (and sometimes did). Moments where I just wanted someone to be with me so that I could tell my story. Again. For the millionth time. Days where I didn't seem to remember what day it was. Days where I had such high hopes for what I would accomplish with my business when the reality was that all I had really accomplished that day was that I cleaned the front room. And I don't love cleaning. But it was easier than trying to focus on words. Easier than trying to focus on putting together a newsletter. Or responding to emails. Or trying to figure out my schedule for the week.

Funny- I've always really prided myself on being fairly balanced between my right brain (creative, intuitive, emotional) and my left brain (analytical, linear- after all, my father is an engineer). But toward the end of September, I realize that I was living in my right brain.

In the past, I probably would have worked hard to get out of this place. To "move on" and "get over it," but I suspect there is a reason this happens and a lesson here that still needs to be learned. So I'm working to allow it. I'm working to shift my expectations for myself. And to be gentle with myself.

After my baby Jacob died, my expectation was that I would have a time of mourning and so would the other members of my family. I expected that Zack, who was almost 4 at the time, would have an adjustment time and would need to talk about what had happened. But after a few months, at the most, we would be moving on and it would be behind us. I didn't expect that years later, we would still be trying to move through it. I didn't fully understand that Zack's grief wasn't going to come out in words, but through his behaviors. And I didn't understand his behaviors at the time. I didn't know what he was trying to say to me.

Eventually my expectations shifted. I needed him to be where he was. It was only when I slowed down to meet him where he was that we found connection again. And I realize that, in 2010, I need to allow myself to be where I am. This is how I can connect with myself again, too. This doesn't mean that I cannot hold the vision of a future of connection and wholeness, but I must first acknowledge where I actually am in this moment.

So even though September wasn't what I expected- a joyful celebration of taking good care of myself and all would be well- it is just what I needed it to be. I've enjoyed the slower pace and I've learned a lot about what I really need every day to be happy and healthy.

I think we all have Septembers in our lives- you know, those times when we just want it all to be fine, to "move on" or just "get over it." But when our feelings doesn't match our expectations, we're disappointed or frustrated with ourselves. Or our children. We spend a great deal of time and effort trying to just keep moving forward, when what we really need is to just be where we are. To slow down or stop. To have another cup of tea. To get together with a friend. To talk about what is really going on with us right now. Even if it is uncomfortable. Even if it isn't fun. We won't be there forever. Eventually, it will be October.

30 Day Challenge, Day 21: Finding the Gifts

2010-09-21T19:26:00.000-07:00

I don't know how it is for you in your life right now, but I have to say that I am seeing a lot of people having a very hard time right now. Lots of death, tragedy, and general unsettling news seems to be floating in the air all around us. And I'm not watching the news or reading the paper. A neighbor just informed me of her pending divorce. An elderly friend suddenly died last week. Someone else I know suffered a massive stroke and didn't make it. And now, of all things, my kitten has fleas!

Today is the anniversary of my son, Jacob's, death. He died of anencephaly a few hours after he was born 8 years ago today. When I was going through the uncertainty of that pregnancy, a book ended up in my hands entitled "In the Flow of Life" by Eric Butterworth (copyright 1982). The book is yellowed on the spine and stained on the cover- definitely well-loved before it ever came into my hands. As I was flipping through the book this morning, I opened to a passage I read frequently during the time I knew something might be wrong with my baby:

"If you are faced with a challenge, refuse to be panic-stricken. Life has not ended for you. Life flows on. Declare for yourself: I accept the reality of this situation, but not its permanence. Certainly there is no point in hiding your head in the sand. The experience is there to be met. Determine that you will meet it, but on your terms. Do not let the outer happening squeeze you into its box, but open your mind to the flow of wisdom, love, and good judgment by which you can deal masterfully with it. Stand tall as you affirm: I meet this circumstance in complete confidence that He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world. I do not deny its reality, but I deny its permanence. I know that this, too, shall pass away."

And it was true. Here I am 8 years later. I do not deny its reality, but I can see clearly that it wasn't a permanent situation. And somehow, I did manage to open myself to the flow of wisdom and love to have as many choices as I could regarding his birth. He was born at home surrounded by loved ones. And he was held for his entire life. How many of us are half that lucky?

But even more than navigating through his birth and death, I now understand that this situation was to become the catalyst for me to have a deeper understanding of myself and of my oldest son. And then my son, Josh, who came 15 months later. And to understand what happens in a family when something overwhelming happens and how we can all navigate it together to become better and stronger than we were before. Jacob brought with him many, many lessons. And those lessons were the hardest ones of my life. But I am grateful that he was here. At the time, I marveled how much such a short life could have such a great impact on so many people. And that was just the beginning.

I founded The Consciously Parenting Project and launched our website 3 years ago today in memory of Jacob. It seemed like a much better place to put the energy that still remained from that experience to help others and make a difference in the world. Somehow, I know that Jacob would have wanted it that way.

So if you are facing a challenge today, maybe you'll find some peace in Eric Butterworth's words. Or maybe you have some ideas of your own that you'd like to share with us. We all have our losses. We all have our challenges in parenting and in our lives. We may not have a choice in what happens, but we always have choices regarding how we handle it. Is it a tragedy or is it an opportunity? What story will we tell years from now about this time or this event? And can we find the strength to find our way from the place of pain (which we have a right to be in for a while) to that place of recognizing the gifts?

Today, I nurtured myself as I remembered Jacob's life and his gifts. And I am grateful.

30 Day Challenge: Day 15- Half way mark!

2010-09-15T13:14:00.001-07:00

Today is September 15 and that means that September is half over. How have you done nurturing yourself every day for the first 15 days of the month? I'm feeling like nurturing myself is becoming more of a habit and I find that I am not needing to think about it as much as I did on days 1-7. I have enjoyed reading a book while I ate my breakfast (which I never do!), I've been going outside for a walk every morning before it gets too hot, and I've been decluttering my home and letting go of those things and situations that I no longer need in my life. I'm even thinking about going to see a movie (Eat, Pray, Love) during the day while my family is at school. Someone I know mentioned doing that yesterday and she was just beaming. I've already seen the movie (and so had she), but it was something I hadn't even considered doing. Happy to add that to my list!

I have to confess that this has been the best September that I remember (so far). I've been much more aware of what nurtures me and what doesn't. I've also taken the work of Ray Castellino and Mary Jackson and applied it to my life. They teach slowing down, taking pauses. When I went to California at the end of June to work with them on a project (watch for our upcoming series on Infant and Toddler Sleep later this month, which is about WAY more than just sleep!), they worked in a way that was very respectful of their own needs. We took breaks to snack, nap, to go outside to walk, to sing, to just be. I usually just work and work and work until I'm exhausted, so this was really different for me. It felt really good.

This month, I'm striving to apply that to my own work life. I get up in the morning and get my family off to work and school (together to a great school, which I love). Then I go outside for a walk while it is still cool. I come back and make myself breakfast, then clean up something in the house (today I tackled the laundry couch). Then I shower and change before coming into my office to work. I take breaks for snacks and food as necessary, or just to play with my kitten. It feels really great to go at a pace that respects my body. I'm getting a LOT done- way more than I thought I would if I was taking all those breaks!

Try it for yourself and see what happens. What would happen if you allowed yourself to slow down and to take pauses to take care of yourself throughout the day instead of waiting until you HAD to take a break? Try it and let me know. I'd love to hear from you!

30 Day Challenge, Day 14: Cleaning Our (Emotional) Closets

2010-09-14T06:44:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, as you may recall, I had a dream that suggested my closet was a good place to start with my physical and emotional letting go and to release what was no longer needed in my life. I hemmed and hawed, but finally managed to get myself into my closet (after thoroughly enjoying a little video on procrastination posted by a friend on Facebook). It was overwhelming for me, but I knew it just had to be done. And if I didn't do it, no one was going to do it for me.

I knew I needed to sort through clothing, so I picked an "easy" place to start- clothes that I had already sorted and knew didn't work for me. All I needed to do was pull them out and put them into the bag. Instant gratification. I had started! Feeling slightly more confident now that I had accomplished something, I went in to tackle more stuff.

What I didn't realize was just how right I was about the emotional letting go that needed to happen and that it was going to happen in the closet! As I pulled out more stuff, I came across reminders of people who were no longer in my life who needed to be released- several shirts, books, gifts, memory boxes. I thought I was cleaning out my closet, but found that I was literally cleaning out my emotional closet, too. And not only was I making the conscious decision to release these items (or not), but I was also making a decision about whether or not I was willing to let go of the emotional pain of these situations, people, or circumstances.

As I set aside the things that needed to be released, I realized that I was also letting go of the emotional baggage I had been carrying with me for so long. I didn't need all of these reminders of people who had hurt me or of the negative events from my past. I can acknowledge what happened, love each person and situation, and let them go. I don't need all this stuff holding me down.

As I finished the work in my closet, I realized that I had done way more than tidy it up. I felt like I was stepping forward into a new reality- one that didn't include all that clutter from the past. I felt free!

Have you been able to let go of things you no longer need or that no longer serve you? I'd love to hear about it! I'm going to keep going with this project, so I'll let you know how it is going for me!

30 Day Challenge, Day 10: Letting Go

2010-09-10T09:10:00.000-07:00

Last night, I dreamed of cleaning. Now, you have to understand that cleaning is not my forte. In fact, I often remark that I have read the book Confessions of an Organized Homemaker by Deniece Schofield 22 times. And I'm not making up that number! Each time I've read it, I've gotten more great ideas and I'm reminded to compare only to where I've been and not compare to someone else. However, the author, or some other cleaning fairy, has never shown up at my house to actually do that work. I work very hard to stay caught up, but I know this isn't one of my...gifts.

So for me to have a dream of cleaning is more than unusual. But more than cleaning, I was actually simplifying in my dream. I went into my closet and it contained only the clothes that I actually wear. There were fewer things in the house. The words, "The more you have, the more you have to take care of" from the aforementioned book echoed in my dream. Seems like a pretty clear sign to me!

So my gift to myself today (and I suspect for the rest of the month, too) is going to be decluttering. Simplifying. Letting go. I think that's perfect for a month that in the past has been defined, at least subconsciously, by loss. And loss implies that I did not choose it. Letting go is a shift in my words. I choose to let go of that which I no longer need in my life. I suspect that this letting go process will be about more than just the physical stuff that I've collected, but rather also about letting go of resentments, unfulfilled expectations, and the feeling of being a victim with no choice in what happened to me. Instead, I will embrace forgiveness, acceptance, and peace.

But I know that I cannot simply jump ahead to the forgiveness, the acceptance, and the peace without first doing the work. Just as the clutter in my closets isn't going to clean out by itself, I need to be an active participant in this process. I need to be proactive. As with the physical clutter in my house, so it is with my own personal work: I need to go in and take a look around at what I'm still holding on to so that I can let go of what no longer serves me. This is a place I have visited many times in the past, but I am ready to go deeper now. I am ready to let go.

What are you holding on to? Physical stuff? Emotional stuff? Are you ready to nurture yourself by letting it go?

30 Day Challenge, Day 7: Finding a Nurturing Community

2010-09-07T11:59:00.000-07:00

I have been a full time at-home parent of one or more children non-stop for the past 11 1/2 years. I have worked at home with my children, I have homeschooled, I have done volunteer jobs that I could do with my children (like La Leche League and my work for Attachment Parenting International), and I have had stretches of time where I have been dedicated only to parenting and keeping up with the children and (trying to keep up with) the house. I have looked for "my" time in the crevices in those times when I had very little support from others. Most of the time, I was on my own with my kids while my husband was away at work.

I love my kids dearly. I wouldn't have traded any of that 11 1/2 years with my kids for anything. I have no regrets with regards to being home with my kids. I don't look back wishing that I had been off at work instead or wishing that I had put them down in their beds when they were sleeping so that I could "go get something else done." When my son went off to 1st grade today for the first time without hesitation, I knew that we had crossed a metaphorical bridge together. All that time that I was home with them was an investment. All those hours holding and rocking made him ready to go be on his own, rather than it being something that he just had to endure. There's a real difference when a child is truly ready to do something, as opposed to when an adult has decided it is time.

But if I were to find one regret, it would be that I didn't realize the value and importance of surrounding myself with a nurturing community. It wasn't that I was a hermit parent who never took the kids out to see the light of day. In fact, we had lots of friends and I was usually working on creating some sort of parenting group to have someone interesting to talk to who understood my cloth diapering dilemma or a conversation about my latest co-sleeping challenge. Or someone to just talk about what it was really like to be a parent so that I didn't feel so alone.

We all need that. We all need someone who "gets" us. Who understands that we're going to have good days and we're going to have bad days. Do you have that for yourself? Do you use your nurturing community to support you? How did you find those others who support you as a parent? I'd love to hear!

Today, on my "baby's" first day of 1st grade, I went out to Starbucks with some friends to talk about parenting and what I'd really like to see happen in the world. It was divine. How have you chosen to nurture yourself today?

30 Day Challenge: Day 6- 1-5 minute Nurturing

2010-09-06T08:06:00.000-07:00

I think we have the impression that we have to set aside a long period of time to nurture ourselves. Many of us feel that if I can't go away for a weekend or have a several hour block of time to do what I want, then it isn't worth the effort. While that longer block of time is important every now and then, we can accomplish quite a bit in just a few minutes.

Several years ago, a friend gave me a CD entitled One Minute Meditations. They were really short and sweet, but well done. My first impression was, "What can I really accomplish in just one minute?" Seriously. But I decided that I had nothing to lose. So, I created an intention to listen to one during the day at some point. I found a quiet place, closed my eyes and listened to the audio. Yes, it was short, but I did feel just a little more refreshed by taking the time and making the effort. And it literally only took 1 minute!

Another friend, Carmine Leo, suggested taking time every morning and every evening- just 10 minutes each- and sitting quietly, clearing my mind and breathing normally. When I did this in the morning, I felt really centered and ready to start my day. I don't think I ever managed to stay awake for the whole 10 minutes at bedtime. But even taking 5 minutes in the morning just sitting still made a big difference in my ability to start the day from a positive place.

I've also been using Janet Conner's Writing Down Your Soul process of writing really fast for the past several years, as well. I am practiced enough at using this technique to get answers in just a few minutes of writing. This is about accessing the theta brainwave state, which is a very relaxed state. Once you learn how to do it, it can be done in just a few minutes!

No matter what works for you, I'd encourage you to take that couple of minutes no matter when it happens and do something nurturing for yourself. It does add up and it does make a difference!

So what do you do when you only have a few minutes? Any suggestions for other parents?

30 Day Challenge, Day 5: Balancing family and own needs for nurturing

2010-09-05T10:06:00.000-07:00

Today is the 5th day that I'm focusing on nurturing myself specifically and intentionally. It isn't that I don't do things that are nurturing for myself on a regular basis. It is just that I haven't focused specifically on it, knowing that this is my goal for the next 25 days every day. That does feel a little daunting, especially when I think about the schedule changes coming right up.

My kids start school on Tuesday and we'll be starting back into our school routine. I'm guessing it is going to be more challenging once we add in making lunches and coordinating schedules, and driving far, far away. I'd love to hear how you all manage to find the time to nurture yourself when life is in full swing. Summer schedule is one thing. The rest of the year is another thing entirely. When do you squeeze it in? Do you get up early? Stay up late? Wait until your kids are in school? Sleeping?

Today, we're heading over to some friends to let the kids swim while the adults talk. I may even do some knitting while I'm there! What a great way to nurture myself on this long weekend! What do you have planned?

30 Day Challenge, Day 4: Have You Befriended Alpha?

2010-09-04T07:15:00.000-07:00

I'm sure it isn't a surprise for you to hear that we all spend a great deal of our time in the "go, do, hurry" state. Every one of us has a really long to-do list that calls to us when we're trying to relax or do something else that needs to be done, right? Am I alone in this? I don't think so!

I was amazed to read about the fact that there are different brainwave states that are important for us to be happy and healthy besides the "go, do, hurry" one. When we're rushing around, multi-tasking, and trying to get a lot accomplished, our brain is in "beta." But did you know that there are 4 main brainstates, not just "on" or "off"? I had a sense that there was more, but really didn't understand it until I read Connection Parenting. Yes, Connection Parenting, not some book about brain science. This book by Pam Leo explained it in very simple terms that I could wrap my brain around and embrace.

So, there's delta. Delta is important for a good night's sleep. We all need delta. Regularly.

The next most relaxed state is called theta. Everyone passes into and out of theta every day twice a day (more if you nurtured yourself with a nap! Bonus points!!). We enter theta when we are falling asleep and waking up. The great thing to know about theta is that we often find the answers to our problems when we're there. Our inspiration, creative problem solving, and novel solutions are found right here. Daily. That's why it can be really effective to think about a challenge you're having right before you go to sleep and you'll often wake with the answers!

If you're familiar with Writing Down Your Soul, the book written by Janet Conner, the writing process she describes tells you how to access the theta brainwave state when you're awake! I did an interview with her about this process and you can listen to it for free here.

Now, if you're counting along with me, you know there is still one more brainwave state left. I totally saved the best for last. I think this last one is the best kept secret. If we all knew about this as parents and how magical it can be, we would try to spend all our time here. OK, maybe not ALL our time. But a lot of it. Alpha could be considered in between theta (nearly asleep) and beta (go, do, hurry). It is more relaxed than beta (go, do, hurry), but not as dreamy as theta. I had no idea how important this state was until I did some experiments with it after I read Connection Parenting.

Remember the list I wrote out yesterday about the things that nurture me? Well, turns out that those things are all in the alpha brainwave state. When we move out of beta (go, do, hurry) and into alpha (slowing down), we completely change the energy of what is happening in our own bodies and also with the people around us. Pam Leo's book, Connection Parenting, had mentioned that knitting was great to calm everyone. I laughed to myself, since knitting was about the least relaxing thing I could think of since I was unable to knit without extreme concentration (not alpha!). But I stuck with it and practiced my knitting until I was able to do it without too much thinking.

Then one day, I had my opportunity. Both my boys were really loud and were driving me a little crazy. I was hearing George Castanza's father on Seinfeld saying, "Serenity Now!" and knew I had to do something! I pulled out my knitting (which felt like the craziest thing to do at that moment) and started in on my next row. A miracle happened. My children quieted down within about 30 seconds. I'm serious. One went off to read a book while the other went off to play by himself quietly in his room. I didn't say a word. I just began to knit. I felt more calm and so did they. Wow!

But what this did for me was just as impressive. I kept going, tying all those little knots and let the world go for a while. When I was done knitting and returned to my other tasks, I was able to focus and actually get some real work done. All because I had stopped to nurture myself a little bit. Important. No, vital.

Alpha is another fine way to nurture ourselves. Find alpha. Become acquainted. Befriend alpha, if you haven't already. Let me know what puts you in alpha and if you have had or have any experiences with alpha or theta that you'd like to share.

Today, I slept in until I was ready to get out of bed. I give myself the joy of extra delta AND several more chances at theta, since I woke and decided to let myself go back to sleep! Ah, the joys of a long weekend!

How's your 30 Day Challenge going so far? What are you doing to nurture yourself today?

30 Day Challenge, Day 3

2010-09-03T09:23:00.000-07:00

I was thinking this morning that in order to nurture myself, I need to know what that means specifically for me. What nurtures me might not be nurturing to someone else. I started thinking about the pressure to come up with something every day for another 28 days, knowing that not every day in September has been a good clear thinking day in the past. So, I decided that I needed to make a list for myself to have and use as needed.

I'll share mine. What things nurture you?

Are you joining me yet? Even if you missed the first day, consider joining me for this challenge for the next 28!

What nurtures me (in no particular order):
Going for a walk outside (which I did this morning)
Painting my toe nails bright colors (painted them bright purple again yesterday)
Taking a bath
Buying flowers for myself
Getting together with friends
Knitting
Going to the beach
Sitting on the front porch swing with my husband and talking about our dreams
Meditating
Writing Down My Soul (from the book Writing Down Your Soul by Janet Conner)
Reading a good book
Looking at pictures or old photo albums
Reading books to my children when we're all excited about a particular book

Those are just a few of the ideas I've come up with. What ideas come to your mind? I'd love to hear! And please let me know what you're doing to join in.

30 Day Challenge, Day 2: Defining the Rules

2010-09-02T09:17:00.000-07:00

I figure if I'm going to have a 30 day challenge, I should define the rules. After all, it feels like cheating if I'm doing something that just needs to be done. But if it is a task that needs to be done and I can come up with a creative way to nurture myself while doing it, it counts.

If you're playing along on the home game, you can use my rules or make up your own. Make it fun and meaningful to you!

When something is nourishing, it feeds my body, mind, spirit. It doesn't hurt me or anyone else. When I finish with this nourishment, I feel good. For me, this doesn't mean gorging on sweet, salty or fatty foods (comfort foods). This isn't actually nourishing for me because I only feel better temporarily and then I actually feel worse. So, for me, nourishing myself would include juicing. This takes time and effort, but I always feel really good after I drink my juice. It might include making myself a beautiful salad (rather than just lettuce, cucumbers, and tomatoes like I usually do).

Surrounding myself with beauty also nurtures me. This might mean buying myself flowers- something I normally don't do. Or going outside for a nice walk. Or maybe doing something crafty or creative.

I know that surrounding myself with like-minded friends nurtures me. This is something that I do on a somewhat regular basis, but I will probably make more of an effort to do that this month. If I can manage to get to the beach AND see some friends, I think that would be like a doubly nurturing event. :-)

Do you have any other rules or are you just going free form? I'd love to hear if you're joining me and what you end up doing. I'd also love to hear how it is for you to do this!

30 Day Challenge

2010-09-01T13:49:00.000-07:00

In the past, September has been a rough month for me. I have some really difficult days and have often dreaded the arrival of September 1 and pray for October 1- the day I feel like having a party. I have lots of losses that happened in the month of September. My baby, Jacob, who died at birth in 2002, was born on September 21. I miscarried a baby the year before on September 30. My cat left unexpectedly last year on September 15. And that's just a sampling. This tends to be the month that everything falls apart for some reason. (Darn cellular memory!)

But this year, I've decided to do something different. This year, I am going to make this the month that I nurture myself because that's really what I need during this time. So my challenge to myself is to do one nice thing for myself each day of this month. 30 opportunities to nurture myself is way better than 30 days to get through to make it until October.

So, that's my challenge. Who's with me?

Today, I decided it was high time that I repainted my toes. I haven't been allowing myself to take that time because I've had so many other things to do. It is simple, but I feel better now that they aren't all chipped and grown out!

What nice thing are you going to do for yourself today? Care to join me in my challenge? Let me know how you're doing and what you're doing!

Diagnosis: Does it Help or Hurt?

2010-07-13T15:51:00.000-07:00

I received an email yesterday talking about yet another “new” disorder. This disorder was for people who fixate on eating healthy. The author was talking about how people who don’t care what they are eating are “healthy” and those who do have a disorder. Hmmmm…. That just didn’t feel right to me. So, after hearing about this “disorder,” I decided it was good to look a little deeper at the highly charged topic of diagnosis. When I was getting my masters degree in marriage and family therapy, I was really good at applying the criteria of different diagnostic codes to behaviors. It felt like a puzzle to look at symptoms and find how they all fit together, as if this now solved the world’s problems- or at least a family’s biggest challenges.

Everywhere we look nowadays, children are being diagnosed and labeled with disorders, with acronyms being placed near their names. “Johnny has ADD, that’s why he can’t sit still.” “Sherry has RAD and that’s why she can’t attach to us.” “Vinny is on the (autism) spectrum.” But how does it help to label our children?

Labels: How are they chosen?

The reality is that labels are usually chosen based upon behavioral checklists filled out by parents and teachers. It is an unscientific process based upon what the adults in a child’s life are seeing. That viewpoint is a creation of what our culture tells us to look at. But what if we aren’t seeing the whole picture? What if we don’t understand the relationship between the behavior and what the child has been through? Perhaps we’re only seeing a small piece of the puzzle and trying to make a decision based upon our view.

Shifting Your Perspective

Consciously Parenting’s first Principle states: All Behavior is a Communication. Let’s look at an example and see what that might mean. We’ll take a hypothetical child who has been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. Let’s say that Sherry was adopted at age 4 from a Russian orphanage where no one held her and she spent the first four years of her life in a crib with little interaction with caregivers. Sherry adapted to her environment, which included very little contact with people. Her brain and body adjusted to the lack of input, touch, and connection that her body expected when she was born. When she was adopted by a loving couple, she clearly communicated what she had experienced in the orphanage through her behaviors with her new parents. All her life, touch and human connection had been missing, so when her parents tried to hold her she would just go limp in their arms, refusing to look them in the eyes. She clearly didn’t want to be rocked to sleep and preferred to be on her own making strange noises. Her behaviors are perfectly normal for the environment she spent her first four years living in, but considered maladaptive in the new environment.

In the case of Johnny with ADD, I would wonder who else in the family has difficulty focusing? What is Johnny communicating about what the family needs? How can meeting Johnny’s needs help the whole family? What if no one in the family is really able to focus attention on anything for very long? Who decides when a behavior is really a problem? What is Johnny really communicating?

Does a Label Help?

Some parents feel somewhat crazy when confronted with a child’s different or difficult behaviors. These parents feel better when they understand that what their child is experiencing isn’t unique to their child. It allows parents to find other parents who may be working with similar circumstances. Sherry’s parents connected with a great yahoo group to talk with other adoptive families facing similar issues that they found once they had a label to put into a google search. Certainly, having a diagnosis can take the pressure off and create more room for understanding.

In the case of Johnny, we might find more information about ADD and realize that the family’s diet is really out of balance. They might discover that there is too much time in front of a screen and not enough time to exercise, and that the whole family really needs to get outside more. Or maybe that everyone needs to learn how to just sit and be present with one another.

Can a Label Hurt?

Once a label has been used to refer to a child, we might start talking about it in our everyday descriptions and explanations of the child. “Johnny can’t sit still. He has ADD.” It can easily become a defining trait by which we refer to a child, which leaves no room for a child to shift and grow into something else. When we start to understand why a behavior exists, we can meet the underlying need and release the need for the behavior. (Consciously Parenting’s 2nd Principle: A need when met will go away. A need unmet is here to stay.)

Sometimes when a label is used, we miss the opportunities for the underlying cause. There are no cases of ADD caused by a deficiency of Adderal or other pharmaceutical, even though that is the way the diagnosis is most often treated. Remember that there is no chemical test, brain scan, or other diagnostic testing done- it is only diagnosed by using a behavioral checklist. But behaviors are symptoms to be understood, not eliminated or covered up.

When we decide that our child has a “disorder,” it sets into motion thoughts, words, and actions that reinforce the label. It also stops us from wondering what else could be happening or what else our child is trying to communicate to us. It is when we stop trying to understand that we often stop connecting. The child labeled with Oppositional Defiant (ODD) might really need an outlet for the anger around his parent’s divorce from someone who really understands. Or perhaps he is feeling really disconnected from himself and from his parents. But we won’t find those underlying needs if we stop looking for them.

Our Words and Intentions are Powerful

We are dynamic, rapidly changing individuals, particularly as children. When people believe in us, in our ability to change and grow, we are able to blossom. When we have people limiting us, we will limit ourselves and may not grow into our potential. Our words as parents and teachers have the potential to allow our children to expand, learn, and grow. Or not.

Children are programmed to believe the things we say. They don’t have a choice in this, especially as young children. Bruce Lipton’s research has proven that our children are much more than a pool of genes that are turned on or off. Our expectations, words, and intentions can literally build our children up or break them down.

When we apply a label to a growing child, we may unwittingly limit our own expectation of what the child will do. There are enough obstacles in life without us adding to it. When we put in these obstacles, we may cut ourselves off from the miracle that was around the corner because “it is impossible.”

Everyday Miracles

We used to think that it was impossible to run the mile in under 4 minutes until someone did it. And now many people have run it in under 4 minutes (though not me!). We used to think that children who had poor early experiences were doomed to becoming violent and unproductive members of society. But now we know that it doesn’t need to be that way. I have personally seen children diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder become relatively calm and happy children because the parents were able to let go of the label and connect with the child beneath the outer behaviors. When we start to see the child as “doing the best she can do” instead of “trying to hurt me,” everything can start to shift. If we expect our child to act a certain way, we will not be disappointed. Underneath a child’s “negative” behaviors is a child who wants to be loved and to love, who needs to connect with others in order to survive and thrive. It is we who need to shift and begin to look at our child with new eyes. It is only then that we can begin to see the miracles.

Consciously Parenting Class Giveaway!

2010-06-22T13:13:00.000-07:00

We are excited to announce a new set of On Demand Classes coming soon: Hot Topics in the Infant and Toddler Years!

The first session, Infant and Toddler Sleep, is available now, and it is FREE to listen to right on our site: Click Here

The next 6 classes are in pre-production. Rebecca Thompson is teaming up with Ray Castellino and midwife Mary Jackson to share cutting-edge information that brings scientific research to you in ways you can actually use in your parenting. These classes will cover some of the most popular parenting topics, and we need YOUR help to make sure we share the information you need!

These Classes will include the following topics:

Infant and Toddler Sleep
High-Need Babies and Sleep
Breastfeeding and Sleep
Sleep Deprivation
Finding Support as a Parent and as a Family
Attachment
Challenging Birth Experiences
Different Roles Within the Family.

When you ask a parenting question, you're automatically entered to win one of our new classes. We'd love for you to send questions about any topic that pertains to your situation. There are no limits on the number of questions you may submit. Each question is good for one entry into the drawing. We'll be giving away 6 individual classes so we'd love for you to send questions about all of the topics that pertain to your situation.

Please fill out the entry form here to submit your questions. Questions must be received no later than 11:59 PM EDT on Monday, June 28.

Respect

2010-06-21T14:06:00.001-07:00

Whenever I ask a group of parents what they want for their children, the topic of respect inevitably comes up. Parents want their children to be respected, but parents also want to feel respected by their children. Many parents grew up not feeling respected themselves and most parents, it turns out, grew up having at least one experience (most had many experiences) of not being respected by an adult in their life.

We deeply want the respect of others in our lives, especially those we share space with, physically and/or emotionally. When we aren't feeling that respect, we may find ourselves feeling angry. Or scared. We may react in ways we do not like.

So what is respect anyway? How do children learn respect? And how do we get more of it in our families?

Traditional parenting, the way many of us grew up, alludes that respect is something that is demanded. We want our children to look like they're doing what we tell them to do, especially in front of others. And if we're not feeling respected by our child, we need to get angry at them to have them be respectful of us; We yell, we punish, we get angry.

But what is respect? Treating someone else in a way we'd like to be treated. Having patience. Being gentle. Speaking softly. Caring about what someone else says or needs. Maybe you have some ideas of your own. When have you felt respected? What words would you use to describe that experience? What would it look like for you to respect your child?

How do children learn respect? Young children learn everything primarily through modeling. Research and everyday parenting experiences have shown us that if we want our child to learn something, we need to do it. Most people have experienced a very young child using a swear word. Often times, it is used correctly in context and even with the right inflection. This is because children learn by watching and listening to what we do. Just like they're watching when we behave in ways we don't want our children to imitate, they are also watching and absorbing when we do act in ways that are worthy of modeling. If we want our children to respect us, we need to respect them.

We want our children to authentically respect us, not just act like they respect us by doing what we have told them to do when we're looking. Parents I talk to want their children to genuinely respect them. And that level of respect can only be learned by having someone model that behavior and teach them what respect looks like.

Respect with a newborn means responding to her cries. Respect for a one year old means giving him limits while still respecting his feelings. Respect for a two year old means lovingly creating a rhythm to her day so that she knows what to expect. Respect for a six year old means setting appropriate limits and teaching the child appropriate ways to interact with the world. And sometimes it is recognizing that his missed attempts at respect are due to a misunderstanding of the situation, rather than being willfully disrespectful. Respect for an eleven year old means listening to what he has to say without judgment and saving your reaction to the way it was said for a conversation at a later time.

When we can remember what respect feels like and felt like when you were growing up (or what the absence of respect felt like), we can start to make different choices in how we speak and interact with our child. If you're interested in an in-depth discussion about Respect and the concept of modeling, check out Module #2 in our Connection Parenting on-demand series. Dive in to discover what respect really means to you in your life and what it can look like in your family now.

Do you have stories of making a different choice in the face of what could be interpreted as disrespectful behavior from your child? Have you created a positive response that is different than what your own parents did? What situations do you find the most challenging when it comes to respect or not showing respect, either from your kids or yourself? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Drawing Circles

2010-06-08T14:01:00.000-07:00

"He drew a circle that shut me out,
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had wit to win.
We drew a circle that took him in."

I sang a song in church this past Sunday called Circle. I'd never heard it before it was given to me, but I fell in love with it the moment I set my eyes on it. "And this circle goes on and on, it was there before us it will be here when we're gone. And this circle goes on and on and on... connecting our humanity, joining me to you and you to me." It was a great reminder of how connected we all really are- how it does matter when something is going on with one member of our family because it does affect us all.

During the service, my minister shared the poem above and it really struck me. We are constantly drawing circles around ourselves and our children. Are they on the "right" side of the circle? Who is drawing the lines in the sand? Are we on the same team or are we working against one another? What a powerful realization in my own family life it was to realize that I was drawing circles that didn't include my precious children in the name of "teaching" them what they were supposed to learn. I didn't even know I was doing it.

My children's behaviors sometimes feel like personal attacks- like they are drawing a circle around themselves. "See," I reason with myself, "They don't want to be close or connected or they wouldn't act like that. He deserves to be on his own then." I would say to myself. But thankfully- eventually- I was able to see that it was I who was holding the chalk and drawing the circle, and that I had the power to draw a new circle that included him.

Where are you drawing your circles? What would happen if you drew a circle that included someone you're having a challenge with? Not always easy, but it changes lives.
How do we draw a new circle? With our parenting choices! Here are a few suggestions:

-Use time-in instead of time-out when someone is having a hard time

-Go out of your way to show an interest in something your child is interested in

-Spend time with your child "just because" and watch their eyes light up

-Give your child some extra eye-contact and see how they respond (watch your child's response- some children find this too difficult at first)

-Take a deep breath and PAUSE (Pause Before Acting- PBA)

-Go back and apologize when we don't do it the way we know they deserve to be treated!
You're not going to do everything perfectly, so give yourself some grace. It takes time and effort to draw new circles. And remember that there are thousands of families around the world who are on the same path, so you are not alone!

If you'd like some individual family support, our team can support you in making the shift! Let us know how we can help you!

Warmly,
Rebecca

"Please stay, mom."

2010-05-23T16:28:00.000-07:00

Things have been so busy the past few weeks. I'm just amazed that it is already nearly June and school is going to be out for the year! This has been a precious year for my two boys- Josh has been in a half day Kindergarten program at our local Waldorf school where he has been playing and learning in other ways. He hasn't learned to read and I'm happy about that. He has learned to jump rope, cross the monkey bars forward and backward, climb trees, set the table, and retell a story. His vocabulary has expanded and his love of school is palpable. My older son moved to the school in October. It was a more challenging transition for him, but he has really blossomed in this class. He has found his artistic side and really enjoys all of the outside playtime they get. He has taken more responsibility for himself and his projects. I'm very proud of both of them!

This weekend was a big deal at our house. My husband took both the boys camping with the Cub Scouts and both of my boys have "crossed over" to a new status in scouts. My older son became a Boy Scout yesterday, after earning his Arrow of Light. And Josh, who will be in first grade next year, crossed over into Cub Scouts as a Tiger. I came to watch the ceremony after I spent the morning doing a workshop, so I hadn't seen them since the previous afternoon.

Pride welled up as I watched my boys both take their steps across the bridge. How did this all happen? How did they both get so big? How is it possible that my babies are, well, no longer babies? It has been quite a journey for us and I really feel like I was graduating, too. This is a new phase of life.

The park was closing at 8PM, so I was planning to leave before that happened. I bent over to each of my boys to let them know that I was heading out. I wasn't planning to spend the night and thought I should go before I was locked in! My 6 year old kissed me goodbye and skipped off to play. My 11 year old stopped me and said, "Don't go. Please stay, mom."

I thought about the gate and the long list of things I still needed to get done that night, including some time to just spend by myself relaxing after my day of working. I was really looking forward to some down time. But he was asking me to stay. How long was that going to go on in his life? How many times in the future was that going to happen? I can't say, but I just know that it was happening now. And it was really special.

I started working on how I would be able to leave the park and asked a little more about how long he wanted me to stay. I was working it out and feeling good about it. A few minutes later, he came up and said, "It's OK if you have to go." I asked if he wanted me to stay and he said, "Yes." I looked him in the eyes and said, "Zack, if you want me to stay, then there is no other place more important for me to be. I would love to stay."

I could see him visibly relax. This is true. There is nothing more important than being with him now. Everything else can wait. And it did. True, it was more work to leave later. I had trouble with the locked gate, but even as I worked to figure it out, I was so glad that I had taken the time to just be with him. There is nothing more important than relationship. Nothing.

There will always be a to do list. There will always be something else that can distract us or take us out of the present moment. But these times with our children are precious and we can never turn back the hands of time. Seize the moment and connect. Let your children know they are as special as they really are through your actions, not just your words.

The Critical Importance of Community

2010-05-10T15:21:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago, I traveled to Tennessee to support my older son as he competed in a Pentathlon. Trying to make the trip affordable (and doable), I invited another mother from my son's 5th grade class to ride along with me and my 6 year old. I figured that she would be able to hand him the apple I brought when he wanted a snack when I was driving or watch him when I went into the bathroom. We could get to know each other and I would have some company on the 12 hour drive. I didn't expect the level of support that I received, so it got me thinking again about the topic of community and support.

What is community? Perhaps community is the idea that we are not alone in all of this, especially parenting. We're designed to be in relationship, to reach out to one another, and to work together. I often think, somewhat longingly, to the idealized villages where everyone works together, where chores are done in community, and it is not a world where each family is alone with one person doing most of the work of organizing the family. (Of course, the reality of that world is that they need to do those things to survive... but it is something to consider. How can we bring that kind of community and support into our lives here and now?)

What does it mean to support one another? The realization that I was experiencing support struck me when I realized that she had exceeded my expectations. So what were my unconscious expectations? As I reflected on this questions, I realized that support, to me, means that you're not physically alone. There are other people nearby, perhaps sharing expenses or helping out when asked. But I didn't realize I don't expect others to just jump in- to see what needs to be done and do it with a kind, loving heart. It was quite an eye-opening moment for me!

I think most of us have challenges with asking for help. We've learned since early childhood that we're supposed to do by ourselves. Most of us haven't had the idea of community modeled for us, like my friend clearly had. How do we create that which we didn't know even existed?

I think it takes having experiences where we feel what it is like. We need to find those people in our lives who can bring this into our awareness so that we can even know (and feel) the possibilities. When I give homework in my on-line classes, asking parents to ask someone else for help with the children or household tasks- since we all need a community- most people come back the next week only having given it a little thought, without taking action. When I ask them to do something nice for another family, they usually manage to do it. We've learned since early childhood that we need to please others, without taking care of ourselves or asking for what we need.

So when my friend volunteered to get up and take my son to breakfast so that I could sleep after the long drive, I was blown away. She played with him, named his feet (Blah Blah is his right foot and Blah Blito is his left foot), and created an adorable caped man with her finger and a paper towel in the car. I watched her pour in the energy she had on reserve into my child the way I used to do when I was a nanny or babysitting for other people's children.

We all need people like that in our lives. Thanks for the reminder, Patricia!

What are your experiences creating community? Have you had experiences where someone went over and above your expectations? I'd love to hear about it!

(And if you're looking for an opportunity to experience what it is like to be supported by other like-minded parents, don't miss our retreat coming this fall on the Carnival Inspiration, sailing out of Tampa, FL Sept 30!)

Parenting at 36,000 Feet

2010-02-14T16:42:00.001-08:00

I’m traveling with my boys today by myself, flying to the Midwest from chilly Florida in search of snow and to spend time with the grandparents. Amazing how it gets so much easier as they grow older and I grow wiser, more conscious about what I’m doing and the assumptions I make as a parent. I’m so much more mindful than I used to be as a parent and as a person, which really makes everything flow much more smoothly. For instance, it used to be that when someone (anyone!) woke up in a bad mood, I felt like the day was just over and it was going to be awful all day long. And I was right! Now that I have some perspective and some positive experiences with changing the energy in my family, I know that it isn’t necessarily a death sentence for the day. It’s really amazing how much just knowing that it can be different changes things for the better.

As we travel, I’m delighting in the joyous exclamations of my six year-old as he takes in the awe and wonder of what the world looks like from way up high. “Look at those little mountains! They look so small!” And there is real wisdom in those words. So many times, all we see is our perspective, looking up at the mountain of parenting we’re trying to climb. We can’t see the top and the journey can really wear on us. We can’t tell what is most important to focus on and what we can let go of. And even when we make a decision to let something go, we may struggle to change the patterns of interaction that seem hardwired, like it or not. We have our tools from our own childhoods to carry us through, but many of us are searching for a different set of tools than our parents had available to them. We need perspective.

When we can find a way to get some perspective by immersing ourselves in the latest and greatest parenting information, learning from all of the amazing people out there in the world who can teach us more about ourselves and different ways of interacting with our children, suddenly we don’t feel as alone anymore. And the journey doesn’t seem so overwhelming. Take the time and plot out where you’re going and what you want things to look like along the way, as well as when you arrive. In my new class, Consciously Repairing Relationships, we’re each creating our own parenting covenant. It is like getting out a map and compass before you set out on your journey. Then, we’re immersing ourselves in the research and adding new tools and understanding to guide our footsteps.

Every once in a while, it is helpful to stand back and get a new perspective on our lives and our parenting from 36,000 feet. Try it and let me know what you see! Then when we return to the day-to-day decisions, we have some perspective to carry us through!

Consciously Meal Planning?

2010-02-07T15:48:00.000-08:00

When I became a parent, I didn't know how to cook. OK, maybe that's not entirely true. I could cook bacon, scrambled eggs, toast, and I could make a grilled cheese sandwich. Oh, and hamburger helper. I could do that. My husband, on the other hand, was quite the cook and happily assumed that role for our family. However, after my first child was born and started showing an interest in solid foods, I became more interested in what I was feeding him. When we discovered that he had severe food allergies (oh, so that's why he never really slept well?), it became a necessity for me to learn how to cook.

My adventure began when I read the book Super Baby Food by Ruth Yaron. As a non-cook, I found this book very helpful because it walked me through my first scary trip into the health food store produce aisle and told me what I needed to do once there. I could read all about the different vegetables ahead of time and not look like I was completely and totally lost. It was a good thing and I began branching out and learning what to do with asparagus (I didn't realize you could get it without the can) and even some leafy greens (spinach didn't just come in the freezer section?).

My "baby" is now 11 and I have at least 10 good years of learning about healthy eating, learning how to cook, and even planning my meals. This year, I'm branching out into the world of gardening and have already started a few things in my winter garden (some lettuce and sunflowers so far). But the nightly surprise of dinner is wearing on me and I am once again in pursuit of healthy, interesting food choices that my family will eat. And did I mention it needs to be budget-friendly? And easy to prepare? And healthy? And gluten-free? I don't think I'm asking for a lot, but this seems to be a tall order. After spending the afternoon looking at different meal planners, recipes, and other suggestions, I am feeling less inspired than I was earlier- except now I'm also hungry. But do I have anything to show for my hours of work? Uh, no.

Well, I did find this free organizer from Families With Purpose (cool website!) and I've printed them out to see if this can help me get my ducks in a row. There are blank menus for the different seasons and shopping list templates to help streamline your shopping. The cool thing is that you just work on one week at a time and save your work in a 3 ring binder. Once you have 4 weeks planned in a given season (I'm going to start with winter), then I'll have the whole season planned. So, I'm going to give this one a try!

What else have you found helpful? Any great places you've found family-friendly, budget-friendly, healthy, easy to prepare meals? Please share them so we can all benefit!

New Class!

2009-12-30T14:29:00.001-08:00

I'm excited to announce the birth of my new baby- a class based upon my book that will one day (soon) be finished (I promise!). The 5 week class is called Consciously Repairing Relationships and it is based upon the mismatch between what we think parenting will be like and the reality of parenting. On my own parenting journey, I read inspiring books that left me feeling inept. Why couldn't I parent that way? What was in the way? This class is about what is in the way and how to move through it, into peace and unconditional love for yourself and your children. It talks about the brain science of parenting, so it isn't just based in opinion. But it isn't full of mumbo jumbo, either.

So much of parenting information is about short term compliance. When we focus on that, we might get them to do what we ask when we're looking, but it doesn't help the relationship! And what happens when our backs are turned? When we focus on our relationship, our child's natural desire to please us can surface. This class is about removing the parenting Chinese Handcuffs together. In this process, we'll understanding ourselves and our children in a whole new light and start moving into a peace we often dreamed of, but weren't sure was possible.

These classes are like nothing else out there! Participants don't want the classes to end (and I hate to see parents go, too!) and often find themselves with bonds to friends from all over the world. Classes are based very much upon what is going on with each family, rather than just a lecture. They are more like parenting support classes than just a class you take and soon forget about. Expect to be transformed in ways you didn't think possible! Just remember, parenting is a journey, not a destination, and lasting change takes time and dedication to achieve. But it is possible if you're willing to take the first steps on this journey!

I'm hosting a free demo class next Tuesday, January 5 at 8:30PM Eastern so that you can see what the class is like. This class will be a Webinar, which means that you'll be able to see me on video and see my Power Point presentation. If you don't have access to a computer at that time, you can call in and just listen to the presentation or you can watch the recording later. If you're interested in joining in on the free Webinar, please send an email to Lianne at admin@consciouslyparenting.com and she'll make sure you're on the list to get the information!

We're having a buy one, get one free special for my two classes starting in January- Connection Parenting and Consciously Repairing Relationships. If you love Consciously Parenting classes and have been trying to get a friend to try it out, now is your chance! Or if you've always wanted to try a class, but just hadn't done it yet, now is a great time. You can split the cost with a friend or gift your friend with a free class. But don't miss it! Once this class is full (registration is capped at 7), this deal will be gone.

Here's a link to the course description and the sign up page.

Blessings to each of you for a prosperous and connected New Year!
Rebecca

Chinese Handcuffs

2009-11-11T05:03:00.001-08:00

Have you ever seen Chinese Handcuffs? They're made of some sort of woven material and your fingers go into either end. When you pull them apart with your fingers inside, as if you want to move your fingers out of it, it tightens. The only way to get your fingers out is to move in the opposite direction, away from the exit, and you can easily pull your fingers out. It is counter-intuitive to push your fingers further into the tube, but it is the only way out.

I had a parenting moment recently that reminded me of Chinese Handcuffs. Since I last blogged, I've moved both of my boys to the Waldorf school and have been adjusting to getting everyone ready each morning. There is much to do- lunches to pack, children to get dressed, choosing weather appropriate clothing for the day, finding shoes, getting breakfast- and we have a time constraint. Anytime you add in a time constraint, there is potential for stress and conflict.

Usually, I am fairly calm these days. I am able to handle the ups and downs of a child who doesn't want to get dressed that moment without falling into the place of overwhelm myself. But Monday was different. I was tired. My husband had been traveling last week and over the weekend, so my list of things to do was long. I had stayed up much later than I really should have trying to tie up some loose ends, so I was tired on Monday morning just like my kids. I was working on getting breakfast and lunch packed, hoping to accomplish this task before my youngest, who is five, woke up. I like to be able to spend quality time with him when he first wakes up to help him transition into his day.

Of course, he woke up earlier than I had hoped and I wasn't done getting things ready. I was playful at first when he refused to get dressed, but found myself quickly falling off my calm and began demanding that he get dressed. I tried to reason with him and explain that his playtime at school would be shorter... or longer depending upon how quickly his clothes were put on. Nothing seemed to be working and time was ticking.

I struggled, pulling and yanking against him like those darned Chinese Handcuffs, for nearly half an hour. And my fingers were clearly still stuck inside. The child wasn't dressed, lunches weren't packed, and we were at a stalemate.

Finally, I had a moment of clarity. I let go of the outcome in that second- let go of all that needed to be done. We were probably going to be late anyway. I shifted from what I needed to something that was important and fun for him, connecting with him rather than my own agenda. Getting dressed isn't really that much fun for him, especially when mom is feeling overwhelmed, tired, and cranky. But spending some quality time telling stories in the car is and I began talking to him about the time that we would have in the car to tell stories. He became captivated by our story ideas, something that he was very interested in, and he got dressed. He needed connection with me more than anything else. Once I got that, things fell into place. The most important part of all of this is that I relaxed and connected. I stopped pulling against the Handcuffs and moved in toward the center to connect with him, away from my own agenda. And guess what? We were dressed and in the car with our lunches in about three minutes. How much struggle could I have saved myself had I just relaxed and met him where he was in the first place? If I had only set aside my own agenda for a moment and connected with him, what would our morning have looked like?

The key to situations like that isn't to keep struggling against our children with our own agenda. Connect with your kids. Move in to meet them and you may be amazed at how much everything opens up.

A new beginning

2009-09-17T07:24:00.001-07:00

I haven't written for a while on the subject of Kindergarten and Josh's transition. We had a really awful week the second week of school that just didn't ever feel right for him or for me. Was it the specific school? Was it too long away from me too many days a week? Was it just a transition? It all felt so uncertain and unsettled. I talked to many of my wise friends who encouraged me to listen to my intuition on this one- that I knew what he needed. We are connected to each other and my discomfort with this transition went beyond the feelings of a mother who was separating from her "baby." This means that action is needed.

One week ago today, after Josh had a brief illness and missed the days of school right after Labor Day, I pulled him out of school officially. It didn't go the way that I wanted it to go because I wasn't able to talk to his teacher face-to-face to let her know of my reasons for taking him out. We had had a conversation about the lack of play at the beginning and I had told her that I would do what was in his best interests, even if that meant pulling him out of school. It was interesting for me to stand back and look at the collective communications of my son's behaviors. He stopped eating at school during the day. He was refusing to eat breakfast before he went. This meant that when I picked him up from school, he ate all the contents of his lunch box as soon as he got out of school. He would then eat for the next 2 or 3 hours. When he would finally start playing again, it seemed forced and erratic- not at all like his usual play. Then at night, he had a very difficult time settling down to go to sleep. Then he got sick. And then there was the complaining about going to school. He just didn't want to go. A year of this seemed like torture for everyone. I told him that we were taking him out of school and asked if he wanted to go for the last day. Without hesitation, he said, "No. I'm not going." "Don't you want to say goodbye to your friends?" "No."

OK then.

We started looking at other schools, since he really seemed to want to be with other children and play more than anything else. Monday, we went and visited another private school nearby with a focus on the arts. While they are different than public school in many ways, it seemed like the same general structure to the day: reading time, math time... lots of time in their seats. Josh wouldn't let me leave the entire day, which was at least alright with the teachers and the administration. It was a fun day for me just to see how other schools do things.

We set up a visit with a local Waldorf school on Wednesday. I was prepared to sit with him for the day again, knowing what it had been like for him in public school and even what it was like on Monday.

We arrived at the school and there were children playing outside everywhere. His eyes grew very large with excitement. He had already chosen the tree he wanted to climb when I had to redirect him to the Kindergarten playground. The children were going inside at the time we arrived after their beginning of the day play time and transitioning into the classroom. Josh decided after a few minutes that he wanted to just go join the other children, even though the teacher had told us to take our time and come in when we're ready.

We entered the classroom and it was quiet. We took off our shoes and joined the children in the middle of the room for a circle time. After a verse, a short song, and the lighting and extinguishing of the candle, the children were dismissed for inside play time. Josh stood there as if he hadn't heard, so I bent over to him and whispered that he was now allowed to play. He looked up at me with the happiest eyes, conveying his surprise that it was already play time. Within 30 seconds, he had joined a group of boys on the floor who were playing with little wooden people and a house. He was completely engaged, completely unaware that I was even there.

I stood and watched him playing with the happiness sparkling in his eyes and knew that we were in the right place. The stars had aligned for him and he was truly where he was meant to be. I talked with the teacher who also commented on how engaged he was in his play and with the other boys. After about 5 minutes, we interrupted him to show him around the room and where the bathroom was, especially after his long car ride. After he had gone to the bathroom, I was worried that he would now want me to stay. But he returned immediately to his play and didn't seem to care about whether I was there or not! After another minute, I told him that I was going to go to fill out some papers in the office. I got a half nod of acknowledgment and headed towards the door. Once outside, I stood and waited for a moment to make sure he was OK. But I knew in my heart that he was home, too.

Today was his second day and the drop off was easy again. He came to the door after he had started playing to tell me goodbye and offer me a hug and kiss before I left. Effortless. Transition into Kindergarten should be just like this for all children.

If you haven't read Crisis in the Kindergarten, please take a few minutes and look at it. Published by the Alliance for Childhood, these folks are taking a good hard look at what we're doing in education and what research shows our Kindergarten-age students really need. Something to consider.

First Week of Kindergarten Confessions

2009-08-29T06:48:00.000-07:00

I admit that I was surprised when I picked my son up after his first day of school and he was upset. Really upset. I didn't know what it was about. I had been standing out by the letter "F", our designated pick-up point with the herd of other anxious Kindergarten parents, when I saw him come out of the front door of the school in a line of other adorable and tired looking 5 year-olds. Immediately, he ran to me. And just as quickly, the teacher reached down and tried to move him back toward the wall. I understand why they did it. They need to keep order in the midst of the afternoon chaos. They have to keep track of all of those kids! I would be upset if they lost him. So, I do understand that. Really, I do. But my 5 year old... well, let's just say that he didn't. It was the end of a very long day away from me and he was done. It was time to be with mom now and there was no logic that could change that.

As the teacher moved him away from me, he burst into tears. The first thing out of his mouth was, "I don't ever want to go here again. Ever." I held him and just listened to his feelings. Thoughts spun around in my head: was the whole day like this or was it just the last few minutes. He cried and I held him, refraining from launching into the series of questions that were heavy on my own mind. The next thing he said was, "I didn't even get a snack. I didn't want what was in my lunch." Oh, I thought. Was there more that happened during this first day of school than what I had observed? I held my judgment, knowing that he was upset and needed to just work through his own feelings before I tried to talk more about it.

As he began to settle down, we were able to walk to the car and start talking about what my two boys wanted to do to celebrate the completion of the first day of school. We decided upon a buffet. As everyone settled into their seats, my older son asked Josh if he wanted to go back to school tomorrow. I held my breath, wishing that he hadn't asked that question, knowing he really didn't have that choice, yet secretly glad that he asked it. He hesitated, then responded: "If you ask me if I'm going back, I will always say... YES!"

What?

He had a good day. He stayed on a green light (not my green stoplight kind of green referring to a state of calm, but the school version of not being bad sort of green light, which of course is really about being able to stay calm and regulated anyway... it just isn't used that way- yet.) and he had enjoyed his first day.

Huh.

I was relieved that it had been a good day for him. But secretly, I think I was hoping it would be cut and dried that it wouldn't work. That I wouldn't have to go through the days and weeks and months of trying to keep him motivated to go to public school when I believe there are better choices that are more in alignment with my own beliefs about what young children should be doing with their time.

Day 1, I thought. It is only the first day. 179 more to go.

Every day this week, I started to see signs of protest. Tuesday, he half-heartedly said, "I don't want to go," as he proceeded to get himself dressed and put on his shoes. His actions weren't congruent. It was almost like he thought he was supposed to complain.

Wednesday, he was a bit more insistent that he didn't want to go. He got himself dressed, but refused to put on his shoes. But he got willingly into the car. I put his shoes on him while I told him a story when we had arrived at the school. This was the first day I left him at the door to the outside of the school and his brother walked him to class. (Well, actually, Josh knew the way, so Zack followed him to make sure he found it OK.)

Thursday, he didn't want to get dressed. Or eat breakfast. He was playing. It took Zack magic to get him excited about going. Yes, today was PE day and he had looked forward to this after hearing his big brother talk about it all last year. He got dressed with my help and we made it to school. Thursday was the day at pick up that Josh was totally escalated into a red light brain state (survival- fight, flight, or freeze) when the teacher tried to physically put him back on the wall.

Friday, he point blank refused to go. "There are too many rules," he said at my prompting. "I can't even get out of my seat." My older son and I worked together and eventually got him dressed and into the car. When we reached the front door to the school, he refused to go in. The teacher at the door tried to help and suggested that there was an oatmeal cookie for breakfast today. It wasn't on his diet (he has some dental issues going on), but at that point I told him he could have it today. He may have no teeth left when this is all over, but he will have gone to public school Kindergarten. It all just seems wrong somehow. Why is getting him to go in more important than anything else right now?

Granted, he seems to have a good time once he is there. And I'm glad for this. Last year, he had a brief time in Pre-K and he didn't like it. I didn't see the point in forcing the issue, so I didn't and pulled him out again to be home with me. It was a very good decision for him. It was what he needed. This year, I think he has a much better teacher who is kind and respectful. He is making friends. He smiles when he talks about school, except for the drop off part. And being away from me, which is very hard for him.

I don't know what next week will bring, but probably more questions than answers as we feel our way through this huge transition. Whether you are homeschooling and starting school now or transitioning to a program away from home, school is a transition for everyone. How is everyone doing right now?

Reflections of a new Kindergarten Parent

2009-08-23T21:26:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow my baby will be starting Kindergarten. I've known this day would come since he was an infant and his older brother went off to school for the first time. I suppose that is what comes to mind when I think of Kindergarten and the first day, since I don't really remember my own first day of Kindergarten. I was only 4 when I went away to school for the first time, since the state I lived in required children were 5 by the end of the year to start. But I was ready for the playing, the singing, the coloring, the stories... I remember my teacher, Ms. Hart. How could you go wrong with a Kindergarten teacher with that name?

Fast forward to when my older son went to school. I had been planning to homeschool him. After retiring as an elementary school teacher forever even before my oldest was thought of, I really didn't plan to send him. But my husband, who had staying in education, had different ideas. When my son Zack started asking to go to school, I felt I needed to give him the opportunity to try it out. We enrolled him and I chose his teacher because he had connected with her during the "testing" process to see what he already knew going into school. Before school even started, he had changed his mind and decided that he didn't want to go anymore. But we were committed now and it felt like there was no going back.

That first day was so hard... for ME! My husband went with me to drop him off, our 9 month old in tow in his sling. After our tearful goodbye at the door, my husband and I walked away hand in hand and cried some more before my husband went off to work and I went home to our quiet house with only my baby. I missed Zack terribly! We had been connected since the day he was born- before really- and we had never really been away from each other. Especially not for so many hours.

As the days and weeks passed and we went through many painful goodbyes at the door to his classroom, I began to wonder why I was doing this. I stayed true to my commitment to not throw him into the classroom crying as I had seen other parents do. I would stay until he was ready for me to leave. When he was ready, he would give me a nod and the baby and I would head home. Some days were easier than others. Some were painful from the moment his eyes opened. But his teacher was caring and always did her best to reach out to us, supporting us when she could.

So we stayed. He learned how to write and he was reading before the end of the year. His math was way ahead. But he wasn't really happy. Finally the year came to a close and summer arrived. It took a long time before he really relaxed into summer and back into the rhythm of our family's life. I started to really feel connected to him again as it drew nearer to the time that school was to begin again. That was when I felt it: a strong urge to keep him home with me. I brought it up, but it wasn't really an option. It was suggested that we just give it a try. He'll be fine.

School started again and with it came chaos. He was fine at school- a model student. But at home, it was a nightmare. He would have temper tantrums for 2-3 hours most nights. I couldn't figure it out, so I went in to observe. I was horrified to see only about 5 minutes of direct instruction during a 3 hour time block! Clearly I could do better myself.

I took my case back home to my husband and we explored our options. We finally decided that the best choice was to bring him home to homeschool, so that's what we did. Once he was home, he started to relax more and to begin to enjoy life again. But I found it curious that he was refusing to read and refusing to write. I knew it wasn't important and that eventually he would be willing to read and write again. And I was right- now he is writing very well and reading way above grade level. So what did his Kindergarten experience really do to him? He was "ready" to read and write according to the experts at the school, but was he really ready for all of that pressure? Was he ready to abandon his need to play and to be close to me or did we push him too hard, too fast? It took a lot of time and patience to undo the damage.

Now Zack willingly goes to school. Actually, he loves it. He couldn't wait to get back to it. Would he have felt that way without the break? I don't think so. He is ready for that sort of pressure now and actually enjoys it in a way that I don't think I ever really did. I'm just glad to see that he's happy after all that we went through.

So tomorrow, I start this school journey with my youngest son, Josh. I must admit, I am reluctant after my experience with his older brother. I am also very concerned about the lack of unstructured playtime in Kindergarten. After an exhaustive search, I've found the majority of schools near me are similar: early academics are the rule, rather than the exception. What happened to play? What happened to the play house and the dress up station? Painting and circle time? They seem to be casualties of this push to make our children do better on state testing.

But we're missing the point. We're missing the point that children's work is play and that there is no more powerful way to teach a child than to respect the way children learn best at the age of 5 and 6. Children who are pushed too hard, too fast, too early are more likely to diagnosed with learning problems that wouldn't exist if we simply gave them time to develop at their own pace. Teachers have also told me that they are seeing many more discipline problems than in the past, probably because Kindergarten children are facing 5 hours of academics per day with no time to play out the stress in unstructured playtime. Yes, that's right. Kindergarteners. Can you pay attention for 5 hours without a good long break to de-stress? I can't.

Teachers aren't to blame. They're all upset about it, too. When I spoke with another long-time Kindergarten teacher last year, she told me that she had finally decided to get rid of the play house in her classroom. She said with pain in her own eyes that it was just too difficult for them to look at it and not be able to play in it every day. Another Pre-K teacher said that Kindergarten teachers are giving away huge sets of very expensive wooden blocks because they don't have time to use them anymore. Something is wrong with this picture. Since when have children lost the need to play?

With all the stress in our society today, children's need for play is greater than ever. Yet, there is less and less time for this critically important activity. School days are planned down to the minute of every day and then most children are involved in other outside structured activities once they leave school. Homework and dinner round out the evening, then bedtime before we do it all over again.

I'll keep writing on this topic and share how things unfold for us this time around, along with my own attempts to make some changes within the system. I'll also work to provide the time and space for that much needed playtime for my own children and share what works for me this time. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic as well.

Someone to listen... really listen

2009-08-17T22:53:00.000-07:00

I have a lot on my plate and on my mind right now. School is starting soon and we have quite a bit of indecision going on about where our children are going to go. Well, I don't have indecision, but others in my life do. I reached a point today of being on a total red light. I was back in survival myself with my amygdala's fight, flight, or freeze response hijacking me. When I get this overwhelmed, I tend to go into a freeze mode. I've gotten much better at identifying that this is where I've gone now and working my way out of it. This is what I did.

I went outside by myself and watched the rain fall earlier this evening. I needed some time to quiet my mind and my nervous system and found the rain to be soothing. I was dozing as I sat on the patio, letting my incoherent thoughts swirl around in my brain. I focused on my breathing, taking in deep breaths- feeling my breath all the way down into my belly. I have no idea how long I was out there, but eventually my children came to find me.

When I had returned to a yellow light (emotional part of the brain, which was a step up for me from that red light), I connected with a friend I knew could really just listen to my feelings. I called her up and just let whatever needed to come out in whatever form and order it needed to come out to do just that. I'm sure it wasn't pretty, but I knew that she would be willing to do that for me. I knew that my feelings wouldn't be bothersome and that I would be safe expressing them to her.

After about 15 minutes of being on the phone with her, I started to feel better. I had been heard. I had been listened to and embraced. And I was now back on a green light (regulated and calm), ready to return to my life and to make the decisions I needed to make to move forward. As I looked back on my earlier thoughts, they were completely irrational. With the time and the connection with my friend, I had moved out of that irrational place and back into true connection with myself and my own inner guidance.

This is what our children need when they are upset. They need someone to listen to them... really listen to them. They can make it back to that regulated place when someone invests the time in them to listen to their feelings without trying to make it better or to explain to them why they shouldn't feel that way. Try it with your child and see how it goes. And let me know! And if you haven't had this experience, find a wise friend who can listen to your feelings. This is how healing happens for parents and for children!

I eat butter and other do other unconventional things

2009-08-10T17:03:00.000-07:00

My 10 1/2 year old son walked into the kitchen tonight as I was putting the butter away and said, "You know mom, there are commercials that say that butter is bad for you." I stopped when he said it and listened. "They say that it is one of the deadly sins or something like that." I nodded. "That's strange. We put like two sticks of butter in our potatoes," he continued. We talked about how everyone needs to make their own decisions about such things with the information they have available to them. We choose to eat butter, but not everyone does. And that's OK.

And with that conversation, I began thinking about all the things I have been doing that most people don't. I know everyone will make their own decisions and each person needs to decide for themselves what they can live with. I don't want everyone to be exactly like me and to make all the same decisions I have made. My decisions are right for me, but not necessarily right for you. I've spent years researching some of my decisions and realized that most of the information I've found isn't what most people are hear, so some may scoff at my decisions. I've made it my goal to get information out to parents so that they can make their own decisions in a truly informed way. That's what the Consciously Parenting Project is really about.

It isn't easy to be different, but it is the road I am traveling during this lifetime. I know within my heart that I am true to myself and that's what really matters. I choose to respond to my child who is having a temper tantrum in the store, even if all eyes are on me waiting for me to reprimand him. I choose to homeschool or not according to the needs of my child at any given time. I chose to unschool my oldest child for a while, then I followed a Waldorf curriculum because it was what was right for him. I still co-sleep with my youngest child and I allowed him to wean himself from breastfeeding when he was ready (and it was years before he was ready). I choose to limit my children's exposure to television and to junk foods, even when their friends do those things. I don't punish my children when they "do something wrong," but rather connect with them and help them to calm themselves before we talk together about what happened and how we can make it better. I work from home so that I can be with my children when they need me (and feel grateful that I am able to do this). I buy our food directly from farmers as much as possible. And I eat butter.

Are you parenting differently? Are you making choices that are different than most people make? Do you feel like you're the only one who feels the way you do? Tell me about your decisions and how you feel. I know I'm not alone.

Happy Birthday, Parenting Outside the Box!

2009-07-02T12:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, on July 1, 2009, I completed the first draft for my book, Parenting Outside the Box, which will be published later this year. I'm so excited to have this part finished! It has taken me more than 2 years of writing and 36 years of personal and professional experience to get to the point that I could write it! The book was handed into the loving arms of my book "midwife" who is going to clean it up and get it ready for publishing! It has been an amazing journey that has gotten me here to this point and I'm so excited to share it with you!

If you are on Facebook, I'm posting quotes from my book all day today there. If you'd like to join us there, here is a link to the Consciously Parenting Facebook page. Check it out and share it with your friends if you like what you read! Here are some quotes to get you started:

Feedback loops are patterns of communication, spoken and unspoken. It is important to recognize that intention, unconscious communications, and body language speak just as loudly, if not louder, than our spoken words.

When we seek only to make a behavior stop, we miss the communication and sometimes even the opportunity for our child to develop to his fullest potential.

The words we use to describe our children can help to connect us or create disconnection right from the start.

The difficulties our children present to us are opportunities for us to grow beyond where we are in this moment.

I'll be posting more later today on Facebook. Check it out!

What do you think of when you read those? I'll be posting excerpts here over the coming weeks and months so that you can read some more of the book yourself.

Hope you are having a wonderful day!

New Website!

2009-06-14T12:46:00.000-07:00

I wanted to let you all know that our new website was launched this morning. We know that this will make things much easier to find. It has been divided into three main areas on the homepage: Building, Maintenance, and Repair of Relationships. Each area has different information, classes, and resources to guide you according to your current parenting focus. For example, if you are just starting out as a new or expectant parent, Building Relationships would have pertinent information for you. If you want to create more connection on a day to day basis with your parenting decisions, Maintenance is an excellent place for you to visit. And if you are dreading waking up in the morning because of what might happen with your children, and if you're dealing with severe behaviors, then Repair is the place for you.

Remember that we have the forums for all of these areas as a free resource. Forums are moderated and you can ask any question you have about any of these main areas.

The three sections are based upon my upcoming book, Parenting Outside the Box, to be released sometime this fall.

Check out the new website and let us know what you think! http://www.consciouslyparenting.com

Coloring into regulation

2009-06-10T22:45:00.001-07:00

We're really adjusting right now. School has let out and my older son is now home for the summer. We've had some pretty big ups and downs over the past week as we all work toward our new normal. Summer provides many opportunities to learn those things we all still need to learn: regulating ourselves (calming ourselves down) after stresses being perhaps our biggest lesson right now. Some of us are more reactive than others. I'll leave it at that.

Today I woke up at what I'm calling a yellow light. Green light would be all completely calm and ready to face the day. Red would mean that I need to just stop everything because I'm completely overwhelmed. I was aware of it as soon as I pried my eyes open when my son woke me up. Self-awareness is a wonderful start, but by itself is not regulating. I spent some time focusing on my breathing, working to settle my body's stress so that I could enjoy the day with my boys. I was open and honest when I shared with my boys that I was on a yellow light and that we all needed to go easy today.

Best laid plans aside, I soon found myself on a blaring RED light and gave myself a mommy time-out to calm down. Everyone was dysregulated (way not calm) and the shift needed to start with me. If I couldn't calm myself down- yes, as the adult- how could I expect them- the children- to do it?

A friend had photocopied several pages of mandalas for me- those circles with the intricate designs- and given me colored pencils. Truly a gift. I found myself impulsively picking them up to color. My son came in and asked what I was doing. "Regulating" was all I replied. Soon, he picked out his own mandala and began to color, too. My youngest son walked into the room, looked to see what we were doing, then walked out and found something quiet to do by himself. In the space of just a few minutes, the house was quiet. But not quiet in the way I remember when I was growing up when something awful had just happened- that painful silence along with fear of making noise. This was a peaceful quiet. We had all began to move back into yellow and maybe, just maybe, toward that green light.

I was modeling exactly what I wanted them to do when they were overwhelmed and I hadn't intended for it to happen. This wasn't part of some great plan I had. It just happened. The rest of the afternoon was much more calm. We all had more patience with each other. And it was all because I had followed that impulse to color.

Perhaps we need to remember that solutions aren't going to be complicated or come in boxes with ribbons and bows, but rather in the simple things that are right in front of us. The answers are inside of you. It comes in the form of what may later seem like divine inspiration. And perhaps it is. Open your heart and you'll see the light.

Risking Love

2009-05-25T21:10:00.000-07:00

It has been an emotional weekend here for me after I learned that one of my cousins lost her baby at 20 weeks of pregnancy. I found out early on Sunday morning- one that was particularly busy for me. Normally, I would take news like that and make my world smaller for a little while, but I had to move into my day this time. I found myself crying in the car on the way to church, wondering how I was ever going to make it through the church service. On top of that, I was in the choir and we were performing which meant I'd be right up front. Ironically, this is why I was going. Our choir is very small and they need my voice.

I went up to my minister to say good morning. As she hugged me, I said that I really needed the hug right then and she said that she did, too. I hadn't planned to elaborate, mostly because I didn't want to start crying again, but she stopped me and asked what was going on. I took a deep breath and told her what had happened.

She said that when we become mothers, our heart is then outside of our bodies. Becoming parents is always a risk. We don't know how long we'll have our "babies" with us. But it is worth it. All of the pain. All the uncertainty. It is always a risk, which we take gladly.

Having lost a baby of my own, the news of this loss really hit me hard. It was especially difficult because my cousin's baby was diagnosed with the same fatal condition as my baby was diagnosed with. I knew that I was being pulled back into the vortex of my own pain. Of decisions that I didn't want to have to make. Of knowing that my baby's birth day would also be the end of his life.

The stakes are high when becoming a parent. We risk everything. And it is messy sometimes. And still we show up. And we step outside of our own comfort level to risk love.

This risk can scare us into not stepping out at all. Or it can help us to rise to the occasion and realize how much we really do have in this very moment. I pulled my kids in tighter and embraced this moment- the only moment we ever really have.

I think it is like that for all relationships. There is always a risk. Reaching out to anyone always entails a risk. But not taking the risk means that we miss out on the greatest gifts of all. I simply cannot imagine my life without my children. Has it been hard at times? You bet. I've struggled perhaps more than I would like to admit. Was it worth it? Absolutely. I would not be who I am today without the experiences I have had thanks to my children. All of them.

Risk it all for love. It is worth it!

Time for feelings

2009-05-05T21:25:00.000-07:00

I was teaching the Connection Parenting teleclass last night and shared an example from my own life of a time my son wouldn't get in the car seat that happened several years ago. I had tried everything and even ended up forcing my son into the seat because we "needed to go." This felt so wrong on every level, but in that moment I was doing the best I could do. I drove for a few minutes with him screaming and then just stopped the car. I took the time to be with him, to acknowledge his feelings, and apologized to him for making him get in the seat. He calmed down, willingly got back into the car seat and we went on our way peacefully. From that experience, I decided it was better to spend the time connecting than to get my way and have him get into the car seat right that second. Nothing mattered more than the relationship. It didn't matter if I was late, really. Nothing was more important than our relationship. If he needed to have some time for his feelings, I would just plan for it.

Some of the class participants kept saying that they were in a hurry and didn't have time to stop to deal with the feelings. I certainly understand having time limits and outside obligations. And I used to put those things first. I guess some of my willingness to let go comes from my Cuban friend who taught me about "Cuban time." She would say, "I am going to be leaving the house at 7." 7 would come and go. She would be milling around the house, getting a bite to eat... not leaving. And the world didn't fall apart like I thought it would if we didn't leave by 7! I wondered what would happen if I had this attitude with my children? Where did this idea come from that we don't have time for our children because we have to be somewhere? We've made this whole thing up and put all of this external pressure on ourselves and it isn't good for relationship and it isn't good for our children.

I didn't go to the extreme of adopting a "Cuban time" lifestyle, but I let go of the pressure I was putting on myself to be there at that certain time AND I started building extra time into my schedule to allow for those setbacks so that I could still be on time. Most of the time, we were able to handle minor difficulties without it ever getting to the point of actually being late. I drive my son to school each morning and go back and get him in the afternoon. It is important that we are on time. However, we plan to be there 20 minutes early (as my older son likes) and then plan to be in the car an extra 10 minutes early. Is this time I could sleep? Yes. Is it worth it to stay in bed longer? No. Having that extra cushion means that it would take a major catastrophe to end up being late. It means that I can relax and just be present with my children without the need to rush them most of the time. A calm parent helps children to be calm, too.

So one morning recently, my 5 year old was having a very hard time. I had gotten him into the car and he melted down about something else. We didn't have the time that morning to wait any longer, but that didn't mean that I needed to ignore him. I spoke to him in the car, extended my hand into the back seat with him and held his hand, and told him how sorry I was that we weren't able to just stop. After a few minutes, he calmed down and we had a pleasant car ride. We ended up laughing and joking with each other. Amazing how quickly the tide turned. It doesn't mean that we never set limits because we plan on that extra time for feelings. Sometimes we need to say no. Sometimes it can't be what they need in that moment. But we still need to acknowledge our child and his feelings. There is nothing more important than relationship! Nothing.

It is interesting to note after several years of taking this approach that most of the time those things that start out as something that could turn into a huge meltdown don't. By allowing the time and decreasing my own stress, it allows me to be more fully emotionally present with my child because I'm not worrying about what will happen if I don't get him in the car in the next 5 minutes. What my son needs at that time is for me to be fully present with him. When that need is met, he is able to move through it on his own and is then ready to do what we need to do. It is somewhat of a paradox. Let go of the outcome and things will probably work out better than if you struggled to control the outcome.

A little extra time can make all the difference. Try it and let me know how it goes.

Doing the best we can do

2009-05-03T12:07:00.000-07:00

I love how my children remind me of important truths and am open to the lessons that they are here to teach me. So much healing has happened in my own life by listening to what they have to say and being open to a relationship with them in which I am not the only one here to teach. I don't know everything and never will and find such beauty in being open to what I need to learn from them.

This morning, we went to church, my younger son and I. We had a nice time together and talked about our ongoing kitty adventure series we make up for fun on our way to and from places. Today we were talking about what kitties should not do. Today, we decided that kitties should not try to fly. Anyway, when we got home, my son went into a full blown meltdown when we were trying to get lunch. In retrospect, he was starving. He hadn't eaten much before we left the house and it was already after 1PM by the time we got home.

I was a little more than hungry myself and a bit tired because I was up late last night, so I didn't have much patience. Not a good combination.

My son was yelling at me to get him this or that. I stopped and reminded him that I have a hard time when someone yells at me to do something, and asked if he could talk to me a little nicer and ask for what he wanted. He sobbed, "No, I can't." And in that moment, he couldn't. I sat with him to help him calm himself and once I felt he was calm enough to actually eat something, I took care of what he needed.

Once he got some food in his belly, he calmed down and started laughing. He returned to his usual happy self only mere minutes from the last meltdown over the fact that I had used a paper plate to put his warm bread on to carry it to the table and he didn't like paper plates.

I really thought about how he had said, "No, I can't" calm down. He really was doing the best he could do in that moment. I think we have a tendency to think that our children can do better and so we push them to do better. But what if that truly is the best they can do at that given time? Why not trust that our children are doing their best and that things must be difficult for them for some reason right now if they can't do as well as they sometimes do? Why not trust and open the possibility for love and connection rather than judging them and their actions or behaviors?

I was hungry and tired, too. I didn't do as well as I have sometimes done when I'm not tired or hungry. Was I doing the best I could do at that time? Yes. Now that I've spent some time taking care of myself (listening to music and playing on Facebook), I am sure that I could handle that same situation better. But at the time, I was doing the best I could.

I believe that we all do the best we can every moment. Love and forgive yourself for not being able to always see that. Love and forgive your children, too. And see what happens in your family life when you shift this one simple thing.

I choose love

2009-05-02T01:44:00.001-07:00

I think a lot about where we are parenting from and how we relate to our children. For so many of us who we were parented ourselves from a place of fear and coercion, we find ourselves in our less than ideal parenting moments parenting this way as well. The words may just come out and hang in the air before we even realize it, leaving us feeling awful because this isn't the way we want to parent. We want better for ourselves and better for our children. Yet, there we are with a strong reaction to something our child did or said anyway.

My minister last week at church talked about having a mantra, or a statement that we could say to ourselves when we needed to shift our focus away from fear and back into the present moment, when we were reacting from our past instead of responding in the way we wanted to respond. One suggestion was, "Peace, be still," which is one I've used myself many, many times as a parent to calm my own stress. The other she suggested was, "I choose love." This resonated deeply with me as soon as she said it. Yes, I choose love. I choose to parent from a place of love, not from fear. I choose love.

As often happens with me in my life, I had an opportunity to put this into practice that very afternoon. I found myself reacting to something happening in my family and didn't respond the way that I wanted to respond. I took some nice deep breaths and said to myself, "I choose love." As I let that settle into my body at a deep level, I said it again: "I choose love." That means that I am going to let go of the need to be right, the need to be in control, the need to convince someone else that they are wrong. I choose love. Our children deserve it and so do we.

Have you ever seen Dr. Emoto's Messages from Water? His pictures of water with different words or thoughts on them were then frozen and the crystals were photographed. Nothing brings the point home more than these pictures. My favorite right now are the two pictures of "Do it" and "Let's do it." You can check out his children's book and share it with your own children here.

Release your parenting fears. Fear grows nothing but fear. Love grows more love. As Heather Forbes says, "In mathematics, a negative plus a negative is a positive. In parenting, a negative plus a negative is always a negative." Choose love today and see what amazing things happen in your family!

I choose love!

The Case Against Breastfeeding

2009-03-18T11:30:00.000-07:00

I just read Hanna Rosin's article called The Case Against Breastfeeding published in The Atlantic and I'm feeling really sad. This is the reality of many mother's experiences and it should not be taken lightly. Ms. Rosin expresses her discontentment with being a mother and her perceived requirement that she breastfeed her baby. She goes on to talk about how science really isn't all that conclusive about the benefits of breastfeeding, which makes it seem like a waste of her time.

So we're talking about a relationship with an infant here, a little person who is completely dependent upon the parent (unless he is in daycare, of course) and this parent resents being with the child and feels that someone (larger society) is making her breastfeed him. How does that child feel when she is tapping her foot waiting for him to finish nursing so that she can get on to something more important?

Having children is an inconvenience. And mothering is a completely undervalued because we don't understand how important it is. We don't know how to meet someone else's needs. We aren't even quite sure how to meet our own needs because we have never had that modeled for us. Becoming a parent requires a tremendous amount of resources and cannot be the task of one person. However, there are some jobs and some good reasons that women are designed to be the primary caretakers. If we feel overwhelmed, it is a sign that something needs to change. Who suffers when we feel this way? Everyone does. But is breastfeeding the problem?

America seems full of finger pointing and, in general, we like to blame someone else for our problems. People sued McDonald's when their coffee was too hot and won. It wasn't their fault that the coffee was hot, after all, and they burned themselves. If the problem exists outside of ourselves, then it really isn't about us. We don't need to make a change. But if we can recognize that there is probably a small part that is our responsibility, that means that we can make it different.

Ms. Rosen feels that breastfeeding is the problem. That makes it all about the fault of someone external to herself who is 'making her' breastfeed. This has taken her out of the present moment and what this is all truly about. Her baby needs her to be emotionally present more than anything in the world. Whether she is sitting with a bottle or she is breastfeeding, the baby needs his mom to be madly in love with him or her. Is that possible when mom is feeling resentful about the fact that she has to do this? Probably not.

Perhaps the real problem that Ms. Rosen is expressing is more about the lack of community support for mothers with young children and that there seems to be little value placed on taking that time to just be with baby. The women with careers outside the home seem to have more perceived value. Maybe that's a big part of the reason so many moms return to work. It should never be pitted 'us against them' regarding feeding choices. But perhaps we need to have a conversation about what mothering looks like right now and how we can meet the needs of mothers in our society, rather than pointing fingers.

Breastfeeding rates have climbed steadily over the past 10 years, which is a wonderful thing. Mothers need the support from everyone in order to do what it takes to nurse our children even for a year. I believe the current statistics are that only about 2% of babies are nursed for one full year, which is the recommendation of the American Academy of Pediatrics. We have a long way to go for moms to recognize how much value they have. Breastmilk is designed specifically for feeding human infants. It changes from day to day, hour to hour, depending upon the needs of the baby. Perhaps this needs to be part of the discussion, too. No formula can do that.

Empowered women breastfeed. Empowered women change the world.

I have spent a large amount of time over the past 10+ years breastfeeding. I quit my job and only took on jobs that I could do while putting my baby first, mostly working from home or with limited hours when my husband could be with my son. Even now, I work from home so that I can be here for my children when they need me to be here. Sometimes projects are delayed and deadlines are missed, but that's OK. There is nothing more important than my children and our relationship. Nothing.

Is it less convenient? Yes. Are there days that I just want to sit all day and eat chocolates and watch something mindless on TV? Yes! But I know there is a time when I will miss this terribly. I do what I can to meet my own needs while still respecting the needs of my children. Maybe that's what we need to focus on more. Find a community of support. Find others who share your values. Find reasons to want to snuggle in close with your baby as much as you can and others who share that viewpoint. There is nothing more important for all of us than feeling loved unconditionally and it starts with our babies.

P.S. The picture is me breastfeeding my youngest a couple of years ago.

Parenting Outside the Box

2009-03-07T19:55:00.000-08:00

Where has the last month gone? Seriously... I feel like I just blogged last week, but that whole time and date stamp that goes along with this blogging program put things back into perspective for me. Wow!

I've been busy working on my book and trying to stay focused. Writing a book is certainly a challenge, to say the least. And I truly enjoy writing.

So, I've decided on my title, I believe: Parenting Outside the Box. My original working title was Parenting Beyond Behaviors and I just finished a DVD by that title. But the book has taken on a life of its own and needed a new name. I'm finding that it is quite fun to play with the idea of things being outside a box and our parenting ideas here are definitely outside the norm, even though they are much closer to the heart of our intuition than most of the parenting advice out there. Today I spent a big part of my day looking for a picture that would work for the cover of the book and for inspiration for me to pull everything together with the new name. I found one, but my husband thought that the boxes weren't in the middle enough or were too much on the outside. I'd love to hear what you think about it. Here's a link to the picture.

The book has three parts: Foundation of Relationships, Building and Maintenance of Relationships, and Repair of Relationships, though I'll probably come up with something "box" related for each section if I can. The beginning talks about what is really needed for a strong foundation, looking at attachment and brain development. The second section looks at ages and stages of development, focusing on emotional age, rather than chronological age. The third section looks at how to create or recreate connection in relationships when there has been an attachment break. Everything is very relationship-focused and is anything but the ordinary parenting information that only creates more disconnection.

Now to just figure out how to get the word out about the book! I'm thinking about offering free excerpts to get a preview of the book leading up to its release. What would help you to understand more about the book and how it would be helpful to you? What would you need to know? Please share your thoughts about it. I'm all ears!!

Thanks for listening. Next time, I'll get back to my regularly scheduled outside the box ideas about parenting. :-)

Needs vs Strategies- NVC

2009-02-06T15:18:00.000-08:00

I signed up for one of the courses I offer through my website this week: Parenting From Your Heart with Stephanie Bachmann-Mattei. I knew the class would be good and that I would learn some helpful things, but I was unprepared for the depth at which the material would touch me.

I'm not new to the world of parenting information or to being introspective. I enjoy sitting down with my journal to work things out when I'm struggling with something and I enjoy helping others to do the same. It was interesting that it was this simple idea that has caused me to turn inward and really look at the way I'm communicating with the world.

I have spent a lot of time looking at needs. Needs of children and needs of parents both occupy a large portion of my waking hours in thoughts and actions. But I hadn't thought about the difference between a need and a strategy to meet a need. It isn't a need to have a child pick up their socks or take their dishes to the sink. The need is for order in the home and strategies include, but are not limited to, a child picking up her socks or taking the dishes to the sink. This may be one way to restore order, but it isn't the only strategy.

When we tell our children and others what they need to do specifically, we take away the ability for the other person to see alternative solutions to problems. We also miss the opportunity of connecting through understanding the needs of another person, taking everyone's needs into account when children are developmentally ready to do so. (Those with trauma histories may take longer before they are ready to do so, for example.)

When we can connect with our own needs and create a space for others to understand what our needs are, as well as to understand the needs of others, we can come up with new solutions.

For example, I started looking at interactions with my children today where they were fighting. I looked to see the underlying need. My older son created "Eraser Man" at school- a very creative use of time and energy. (He is made completely of eraser tops from pencils and staples- oh, and a little piece of paper for a cape. Can't forget the cape!)

My younger son saw Eraser Man and wanted one, too. They were starting to fight over it, so I stated to my younger child, "Sounds like you want Eraser Man because you need to fit in and have what your brother has that is special." He nodded. I thought it was a good sign!

And to my older son, I said, "Sounds like Eraser Man is special to you and you have a need to keep him safe from harm." He nodded.

I said, "So what do you think we could do to help your brother fit in and your need to keep Eraser Man safe? Would you be willing to make him his own Eraser Man?"

"Yes, just get me some more erasers."

Wow. We'd just completely avoided the "normal" fighting over something by simply stating needs and asking what they'd be willing to do.

I also managed to get my house cleaned up with the total cooperation of my children by stating needs (my need for order) and working to understand my children's needs at that time.

Everyone's needs are equally important and I'm really looking forward to learning more about putting NVC into practice with my family and with my clients! Thanks, Stephanie!!

Here's a link to check out the information about Stephanie's class! There's also a free interview with Inbal Kashtan, author of the book upon which the class is based. Let me know what you think of it!

Sleep Training

2009-01-30T22:28:00.000-08:00

I use gmail and it constantly has ads popping up that somehow pertain to something about the e-mail I've written or received. They are distracting to me and I try to ignore them, but find myself reading them anyway.

Today, there was something about infant sleep and how to help your child sleep through the night. I thought about it for a minute, then decided to click on it to see what the information being disseminated to parents said.

I read the advertisement. Very convincing. Yes, sleep-deprived parents are a problem. The answer is that babies must learn to sleep through the night using specific techniques. But as I read my free tips to help my child sleep better tonight (which I don't need because my child is 5 and sleeps quite well unless he isn't feeling well), I felt a twinge of uncertainty.

There were a lot of assumptions: 1. Babies waking up is disruptive to the parents. 2. Parents need their sleep and so do babies or there are major health risks for both. 3. The only healthy solution for parent and child is to train the baby to sleep. 4. One of the tips is to use a transitional object so that when baby wakes up alone, he will have this object that is "with him" to help him go back to sleep and be comforted.

This assumes that: 1. babies shouldn't be waking up during the night. It is simply a bad habit and it is the parent's job to teach them to sleep, 2. That there is something wrong if they are waking up and 3. That separation and disconnection are the answers. How scary and sad that this is what parents think sleep is supposed to be about.

For babies who are separated from their parents all day while their parents are both at work, the child is expected to spend maybe an hour with parents before he or she is off to bed for the night. Where is the bonding and connection? It is absent.

In The Continuum Concept, I was amazed to read about cultures that don't have all of the rules about what night time sleep is supposed to be like. I read about one group who would regularly wake up, tell a joke, everyone would laugh and then return to sleep. We would never think of doing this sort of thing. Once you're asleep, no one is supposed to disturb you.

But what does it mean to disturb one's sleep? I think this is more about interpretation than anything else.

If I look at my child's waking as a major inconvenience and I don't understand that there are biological reasons for young children to wake, both for frequent breastfeeding and to keep baby out of the deep sleep states that are correlated to SIDS according to Dr. James McKenna, mother-baby sleep expert, I would probably do everything I could to "fix" this "problem." But what if it is we who have the problem of interpretation instead of a problem with our baby?

What if we brought our babies into our beds (following safe co-sleeping guidelines) or brought them into our rooms at night, as recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics for the first 6 months of life? We would find that our sleep states synchronized and we would naturally be waking when our baby was waking. It is much less disruptive this way than when baby is down the hall and the sleep rhythms are different.

What if we redefined what was disruptive and instead looked at this night time as precious time with our little ones who will not be little for very long at all. In fact, when I think back on the time with my little ones, I look back fondly on those nighttime feedings once I realized that I didn't have to even get out of bed anymore and could doze as my baby nursed. I enjoyed being close and knowing that my baby's needs were being met all the time, but that mine were not being forgotten, either.

Babies and children pick up on our emotional states. If we are stressed, they will be stressed. And stress does not help anyone get back to sleep. When we look at ourselves and our own feelings and interpretations about our struggles with our children, and release the stress we have around those situations, sometimes that is enough to change the situation entirely. That means that we can make it different and we don't need to buy another book about sleep to make things different in our lives. Imagine that! We can be our own expert or our own life! We can focus on connection instead of disconnection and make our lives work for us! How empowering!

The answers are within you and you don't need another expert to tell you what to do. Turn inward and connect with yourself. Connect with your baby. That's where the answers are!

Happy sleeping...

Cell phones can pop popcorn?

2009-01-23T08:13:00.000-08:00

Pop Corn téléphone portable micro-ondes
Uploaded by sassiere

According to Snopes, this isn't real. However, it did get me thinking about the fact that I wrote and article last year about cell phones because I kept finding information about how it could alter children's behavior and brain function because of their thinner skull bones. The fact that they are still growing and we simply don't know what happens with long-term exposure warrants caution, especially where our children are concerned. I'm posting my article below for your reference and information. You, of course, need to make the best decision possible for you and your family regarding this issue.

Cell Phones: What You Need to Know

They’re everywhere you look; young children, senior citizens, everyone seems to be using cell phones. They’re convenient and seemingly necessary for our fast-paced life style, for parents to keep track of their children, and for parents to communicate with others for business and family obligations. Many of us have difficulty remembering what life was like without cell phones. Seriously, how did we survive without them?

So why are prominent brain surgeons telling Larry King on CNN that they no longer hold cell phones to their ears? What do we need to know to make good decisions about cell phone use for our families and for ourselves?

Read the newspaper or watch the news on television and reports seem to fluctuate wildly: one day saying that cell phones are dangerous and the next stating that there is no danger in cell phone use. But cell phone use has been linked in numerous studies to brain tumors, genetic damage, fatigue, asthma, heart disease, headaches, depression, impaired learning ability, and cancer.

What we do know is that we could be on the verge of a brain cancer epidemic. There has been a 40% increase in brain tumors in the past 20 years, which coincides with the use of the mobile phone. At the present rate of increase, predictions of 500,000 cases as soon as 2010, and over a million cases in the United States alone by 2015. We know that cell phones do affect the brain; we just aren’t sure how much exposure to cell phone radiation is too much.

Children and Cell Phones

In the US, 40% of children between the ages of 4 and 18 use some kind of wireless device, with one in three US teens using cell phones.
Scientists at the Spanish Neuro Diagnostic Research Institute in Marbella found that a two-minute cell phone call can alter the electrical activity in a child’s brain for up to an hour afterwards! Disturbed brain activity can lead to psychiatric and behavioral problems and impair learning ability. As Dr. Gerald Hyland, a government advisor in the UK said, “The results of the Spanish study show that children’s brains are affected for long periods even after very short-term use… This could affect their mood and ability to learn in the classroom if they have been using a phone during a break time, for instance. We don’t know all the answers yet, but the alteration in brain waves could lead to things like lack of concentration, memory loss, inability to learn, and aggressive behavior.”

The French health minister, Roselyne Bachelot, has taken such concerns public, issuing an alert in January urging parents to limit use, and reduce children's telephone calls to no more than six minutes. Her announcement followed a similar warning by the Health and Radio Frequencies Foundation, a research group backed by the French government that was created two years ago to study the impact of radio frequency fields on humans.
"I believe in the principle of precaution," Bachelot said during an interview. "If there is a risk, then children with developing nervous systems would be affected.”

In 1999, the UK Government formed the Independent Expert Group on Mobile Phones (IEGMP) to examine possible effects of mobile phones and transmitter base stations. This group was made up almost entirely of biomedical specialists and led by the famous British biochemist and president of the British Association for the Advancement of Science, Sir William Stewart. Their report, Mobile Phones and Health, was released in April 2000. In regards to the use of mobile phones by children the IEGMP stated:

"If there are currently unrecognized adverse health effects from the use of mobile phones, children may be more vulnerable because of their developing nervous system, the greater absorption of energy in the tissues of the head and a longer lifetime of exposure. In line with our precautionary approach, we believe that the widespread use of mobile phones by children for non-essential calls should be discouraged. We also recommend that the mobile phone industry should refrain from promoting the use of mobile phones by children.”

Here are some suggestions for cell phones:

Reduce your cell phone use. Remember that the radio frequency fields affect adults, too, and you are modeling behaviors for your child. If you are on your cell phone all the time, your child will naturally want to do the same thing, too.

Keep your cell phone at least six inches away from your body. This means that you are not carrying the cell phone in your pocket unless it is turned off. Even when phones are not in direct use, they are still emitting a frequency. Also, using the speaker feature when possible will reduce your exposure.

Carefully consider a child’s cell phone use. If children are going to use a cell phone, teach them to use the speaker feature whenever possible and limit their phone calls. Because of their thinner skull bones, children are far more vulnerable to cell phone radiation than adults.

Use your cell phone only where reception is good; the weaker the reception, the more power your phone must use to transmit and the deeper the dangerous radio waves penetrate into your body.

Consider using a headset with well-shielded wires. However, be aware that if a wired headset is not well shielded -- and most of them are not -- the wire itself acts as an antenna attracting ambient radio waves and transmitting radiation directly to your brain. Make sure that the wire used to transmit the signal to your ear is shielded.

According to Dr. Mercola, the best kind of headset to use is a combination shielded wire and air-tube headset. These operate like a stethoscope, transmitting the information to your head as an actual sound wave; although there are wires, which still must be shielded, there is no wire that goes all the way up to your head.

I encourage you to educate yourself on this very important issue so that you can make the best, informed decision for yourself and your family. You’re worth it!

Resources:

“Children and Cell Phones: Is There a Risk?” Reviews research from the world’s top scientists: http://www.emrnetwork.org/schools/maisch_3_03.pdf

“Why Brain Surgeons Are Avoiding Cell Phones.” New York Times, June 3, 2008

http://www.mercola.com

What is "regulation?"

2009-01-21T15:10:00.000-08:00

I just posted this in my forums in response to this question and thought that you might be interested to read about it. Below is my response.

I was just writing a chapter in my book about this very topic. Yes, it starts with the obvious level of calm and relaxed, but it actually refers to the regulation or calmness of the nervous system (which includes the network of nerves that run up the spinal cord and into the base of the brain that is connected to the rest of the body- we're talking about body level regulation here). When a person is upset, overly tired, cold, shocked in some way (like when the water for the shower is too cold), it is dysregulating at the level of the nervous system. If someone is saying that he is calm, but his palms are sweaty, his heart is racing, his stomach is upset, he is dysregulated on a body level and is thinking in part of his brain that he's calm. That's not what we're talking about.

Dysregulation can show up as hyperarousal or hypoarousal. Hyperarousal would be throwing things, classic ADHD, yelling or screaming- outward expressions of dysregulation. OR as hypoarousal, which is a shut down state. We tend to get less excited about a person who shuts down, but this person is just as dysregulated.

Regulation is learned through relationships, generally in the first 3 years of life when parents respond to their children's upsets with calm presence 100,000+ times and the child learns to do this for themselves. With high need children (i.e. emotionally reactive children, particularly those who have experienced early trauma of any kind), it takes much longer than this for them to learn to calm themselves down after a stressor. Regulation can also be taught to grown-ups, though, and it is never too late to learn. Our parents couldn't give us what they didn't have, but it doesn't mean that we're doomed to live a dysregulated life if it didn't happen.

Regulation is one of those things that is talked about very little in parenting books, but it is utilized by literally every scientific discipline. AND, chronic dysregulation, or the inability to calm oneself down after a stressful event (which can be anything, including being unable to tie his shoes the way he wants) is correlated to nearly every psychiatric disorder.

Such an important concept, yet it is strangely absent from parenting information.

To teach regulation, we need to be able to regulate ourselves as parents. When stressful things happen, we need to be able to remain calm all the way through, not just on the surface, in order to help calm another person's system. It takes connecting through relationship, which can be challenging when the other person is big and angry. But it is possible. And indeed, it is the only thing that really works.

AND when a person is dysregulated, we are not fully in our rational thinking brains anymore. We actually lose IQ points and the ability to reason. I'm sure this is something we've all experienced. Ever try to find your car keys when you're in a hurry and you're upset? Rarely does it work well.

So, that's an explanation of regulation (and dysregulation) in a nutshell. I could go on all day and all night about this (and indeed, I probably have in the past!). Feel free to ask any questions that come up for you as you read. I'm more than happy to explain this and to help others understand. That's why I'm here doing this!!

The Silence Experiment

2009-01-10T09:37:00.000-08:00

So yesterday, I had oral surgery (long story) and was told that I needed to spend the weekend talking as little as possible. No problem, I thought. I'll just make sure my husband is home to handle the kids and we'll be fine. I'll get to rest (maybe even blog!), and he'll get some time with the kids.

I was not prepared for my youngest son's response to my silence. Even though I had tried to prepare him ahead of time for what to expect when I returned from my appointment, he just couldn't understand why I wasn't talking. It seemed that he needed assurance that I was OK and the only way it really clicked in with him that I was OK was for me to talk to him. After I did a little talking and he was reassured that I was OK, things settled down in a very interesting way.

It seems that I talk all the time. I didn't realize that I did this, as funny as that sounds. I'm not a loud person and I don't think that I am constantly chattering, but I think it is nearly impossible to be a silent parent. And that has become really obvious trying not to talk for the past 24 hours.

But the interesting thing is that everyone, from the girl at the counter when I was buying some juice at the health food store, to my children, have all responded differently to my lack of conversation. For example, my son just came into my office asking for a piece of printer paper. I pointed to where it was living. He got the paper and left the room without saying a word. There was a quiet acknowledgment from him before he left, but he didn't say anything. It seems like people around me are also quieter when they are near me.

I'm still communicating, though the nature of my communications have changed. It more resembles charades and is certainly comical for them, though sometimes frustrating for me. But I have found it interesting that the nature of their communication with me has also changed. Go figure. Perhaps if I want my house to be quieter, it means that I need to be quieter at times when I would normally have a lot of words.

Maybe we can all try this and see what happens with our children if we just stop talking sometimes when we would have said a lot of words to say and simply stop instead and listen. I wouldn't suggest going the oral surgery route to try it out, but see what happens if you are just quietly present with your children and see how they respond. I'd love to hear!

Your Presence for the Holidays

2008-12-25T14:54:00.000-08:00

This time of the year, it is easy to forget what our children really need. The focus in the outer world is still on material possessions, on what they did or didn't get, rather than on our relationships and what really matters. This is a time to turn inward and to find inner peace, then to look into the eyes of our children and see them for who they really are- beings on their own life journey who rely upon us to learn what is appropriate in a loving and respectful way, to model what unconditional love is, and what it looks like in relationships.

Let the lights of this season remind you of the light within each child that needs to be nurtured and respected, and the light within yourself that needs to be nurtured as well. And the presents remind you that our children most need from us our presence. Turn off the cell phones, the computers, the games, and spend time together. Look into each other's eyes and remember how marvelous you all truly are. Look for the light. What you seek, you shall find.

Happy Holidays from my family to yours.

Communication behind illness

2008-12-17T09:56:00.000-08:00

My son missed his first day of school this year because he wasn't feeling well. We spent time cuddling and I took extra time to be with him, putting the computer down, and letting the housework not get done. I understood that this illness was communicating something important- that he needs more of my love and attention right now. Kids get sick when they have needs that are not being met- needs for connection. Yes, there are germs out there and illness is passed around. But children who have parents who connect with them in the way they need them to rarely get sick or hurt. Call it stress-related illness and positive, healthy relationships mediate the stress and the body's immune system's response to the invading germs. We are all exposed to the same germs, so why don't we all get sick from everything we are exposed to?

This may be a source of disagreement. But think of when you were a kid and you were sick. What did you want? What did you need from your parents or caregivers? Some of the most tender memories I have heard people share have been when the individual was sick as a child and someone took care of him or her with love.

When our children are sick, we are encouraged to give them medicine and put them to bed to rest. I suggest making them comfortable and pulling up a pillow if they'll let you. Snuggle in. If your child is very young, spend time holding your child while they sleep, if possible. Children need appropriate physical touch, comfort, unconditional love, respect, and an emotionally present adult to value them. When our children are sick, it is an opportunity to stop and do these things to connect if we haven't been doing them as much as our children need us to do them.

BUT won't that make them want to be sick all the time just to get my attention? If a child is sick, it is saying that your child needs more of your attention when they are well. Don't wait until your child is sick to spend time together. This is something that needs to happen every day. Yes, if you don't do this on a daily basis, your child may choose to communicate with you this way if you do only respond to them when sick. Your child needs you to connect with him or her in meaningful ways on a regular, daily basis. Illness is a late indicator that things are out of balance. Heed the communication and spend some long-overdue time with your child connecting in a meaningful way to reconnect in relationship and make a plan to stay connected in the future.

It is especially common this time of the year for a reason. Look at the stress levels in your own life. How much are you able to connect with your child? More than any "thing," your child really just needs you to be emotionally present. Something important to consider in our thing oriented emotionally disconnected world. We do have to make a conscious effort to turn off the outside noise (TV, cell phones, music, video games, etc.) in order to connect. It is well worth the effort.

Beyond Reasoning to Connect in Relationship

2008-11-21T07:29:00.000-08:00

It doesn't matter what the situation is specifically. We have all been in situations as parents when we want something to change, probably our child's behavior or attitude. Perhaps it is a child who won't go off into the classroom at the start of the school day who comes to mind. Or a child who won't do as we ask. These situations are confusing and frustrating for parents who are working to parent from a relationship-focused place. We've never seen what it looks like to approach situations like this from any other way than bribery, threats, or force. ("I'll give you ____ if you go inside easily." Or "You won't be able to do ____ if you don't do it." Or "Here, just pull him off of me and put him into the classroom.")

Yesterday, this situation was in the forefront of my mind when I agreed to help a neighbor with her 4 year old daughter while her mother flew to her grandmother's funeral. There had already been numerous changes (her mother left, she was moved to several different places already, and now she was separating from the people she had stayed with last night and her sisters so that they could go to school) and she was clearly done with that! She had reached her window of stress tolerance. She made it nearly to the front door of my house before she turned around and went the other direction. In a corner near the garage, she stayed and cried while her sisters and another neighbor tried to reason with her.

We do this sort of thing all the time: try to reason with those who are not in a place where reason is effective. I watched as bribery, threats, and the question of force all came up, though none of it was working. She still was in the corner by the garage and clearly had no intention of leaving. What to do?

When we're upset- or in any sort of emotional state- reason and logic do not work. We need someone to validate our feelings, to connect with how we're feeling. But many of us are afraid to do that. We don't want the feelings to grow stronger. We want them to stop. But we don't recognize that the feelings will stop if we can work our way through them. The only way out is through, not shoving the feelings down and pretending that they don't exist.

I suggested that her sisters say goodbye to her because they were starting to get worried about being late to school, so they said goodbye and went on their way. I moved in closer to her and said, "I'm sorry this is so hard." No explanation of why. No bribes. No threats. And I felt it with her. I had experienced others leaving when I was a child and I know how that feels. She started crying harder. I stood nearby. I didn't try to make it stop. When she calmed a bit after about a minute, I said, "It is hard being away from your mom right now." She cried harder again for about half a minute, then visibly relaxed. I said, "When you're ready, I would love to have you come inside. I know you'll let me know when you're ready." I stood nearby for another minute before I moved away just a bit. She started playing with her dolls, still standing outside in the cold in front of the garage door. Within a few minutes, she headed into the house on her own.

What happened? When children (and adults, too!) are given some space for their feelings, to have someone just be there and listen, they are capable of working through things on their own. Bribes, threats, and force get in the way of children learning to do that on their own. The outside chatter seems to only muddle things more, rather than helping someone find more clarity so they can make a good decision. We want our children to make good decisions on their own, so we try to manipulate things outside of them to make that happen. It is only when we step aside a bit and allow their own process to unfold that they will truly learn to do this for themselves. When we use bribes, threats, and force, children make changes out of fear. When we keep the relationship in the forefront of our mind, amazing things can unfold.

Think of the last time you were upset. Did you need someone to validate you and connect with how you were feeling? Or did you need someone to try to fix it, or to reason with you? We all need connection. We just need to remember that in the moment.

A comforting ritual

2008-10-26T17:00:00.000-07:00

This past week, I had a friend visit from Australia. On the first day, she asked about making some tea. I have a teapot that I occasionally use, so I dusted it off, dug out my tea cups, and found my tea bags for her to use. Every day, several times a day while she was visiting, she would go into the kitchen and make some tea, always offering to make me or my boys some tea as well. So, I started joining in on her ritual. Each morning before breakfast, in the afternoon, and before bed, she would go through this ritual. I thought it was a wonderful way to nurture oneself and just take a few moments to pause in the day. As Americans, we are constantly on the move and rarely do we stop to indulge in taking time like this on a regular basis. I know that this is not something I had really ever seen anyone do on a regularly like this and I soon found myself looking forward to this time.

The week ended and she went on with her journey. And I found myself thinking about tea. But mostly about taking that time for me that goes along with having that cup of tea. This evening I went into the kitchen, found the teapot and all that goes with it and took some time for myself. Such a simple thing, but such a powerful message to myself. I have value and I'm worth taking that time for me.

Do you have any rituals that bring you comfort like this? Do you have a cup of tea, or do something else on a regular basis to nurture yourself? To slow down and just breathe in the moment? I'd love to hear how others are nurturing themselves through rituals. Did your parents or grandparents have anything like this that they passed along to you?

I'm off now to drink my tea. Cheers!

Rebecca

Connecting to Our Children, Connecting to Ourselves

2008-10-08T21:27:00.000-07:00

I've settled on a title for my upcoming book and wanted to give you a peek as a thank you if you are managing to find my blog and actually read it! :-)

The full title is Connecting to Our Children, Connecting to Ourselves: A Relationship-Focused, Research-Based Approach to Parenting with Unconditional Love and Respect

The book is organized by 9 guiding principles and I thought I'd share the first one with you right now. If you have feedback or examples of these principles, I'd love to hear about it!

Principle #1: Behavior reflects the internal state of the individual and the relationship's level of connection. All behavior is a communication.

We, as parents, tend to take our children's behavior personally. If our child refuses to do something, we may automatically find ourselves upset at our child. Let's explore an example that happened at my house today. (I'm full of examples of all of these principles!)

My older son was dysregulated this morning because he was worried that he was going to be late for school. I think my track record is quite good for getting him to school before he needs to be there, but my son wants to be there as soon as he can be dropped off and for that my track record is less than stellar. He was anxious and dysregulated. I found that he was sometimes staying calm and other times he was yelling. His behavior was really reflecting his internal state.

Some mornings, he'll be in this same place and I'll be totally dysregulated myself. When I'm struggling, he struggles more. Other mornings, I can stay present with him, truly feeling that this isn't about me. I can help him shift out of his dysregulation and help him get ready for his school day. When we are generally connected, this shift happens relatively easily. When not connected, I'm distracted with everything I need to do to get 3 people out the door on time in the morning and things don't go as smoothly. All behavior is a communication and an opportunity to connect or to create disconnection. By focusing on the behaviors, you'll get more disconnection. By focusing on the relationship, you'll create more connection.

Next time, we'll take a sneak peek at Principle #2.

Changing the Brain takes repetition!

2008-09-02T05:05:00.000-07:00

My 9 year old doesn't love to write. He went through a time that he just wasn't going to write if he couldn't do it perfectly- there was a series of broken and otherwise unhappy pencils that didn't stay long on the paper on which they were destined to write. Thankfully, I recognized that it wasn't so important in that moment that he write right now. After all, I had decided to pull him out of school and teach him at home. He now has absolutely incredible oral math skills (as I sit scribbling down the series of numbers to check his math and he sits with a grin watching me, asking why I need to write it down!) and that is such a great skill. His oral vocabulary is also off the charts because we've spent so much time just being together, interacting with one another, and reading all sorts of books with big words for fun.

So, when he decided to return to school this year in the fourth grade, my only concern was his writing. He just hadn't been doing it. It isn't that he can't do it, he just wasn't practicing. I tried to impress upon him over the summer that now was a good time to start practicing, but it wasn't something I wanted to force. After all, I wanted him to enjoy learning and writing, not hate it more. I held my breath a bit on his first day, hoping that he'd be able to handle the stressors of a classroom that is entirely focused on writing.

He came home after the first day saying, "Wow- we did a lot of writing today. And they said we didn't do very much!" He certainly had moments of frustration with it, but he was actually handling the stress fairly well.

At the time, I was taking Janet Conner's Writing Down Your Soul class (www.writingdownyoursoul.com) and she had just gotten to the research about why her writing process works (my favorite part!). She shared information from Robert and Michelle Colt, who are "brain consultants" working with top athletes and Fortune 500 executives in NYC, on neural pathways. They said that it takes repetitions to create a new neural pathway and change your brain. Changes begin to occur immediately when you are learning a new skill or working to break an old neural pattern (exercising, changing your diet, learning to write, etc.), but if you don't keep working on it, the pathway begins to recede. It gave new meaning to "use it or lose it!" And 30 days is an important number in creating a new neural pathway. If you maintain something (eating healthy, making a change in your parenting, etc) for 30 days, you can effectively change your brain.

I let that sit for a while, then I shared it with my son one afternoon when he was frustrated with his writing. I explained that he was changing his brain and that it doesn't happen right away. He almost visibly relaxed.

And doesn't this apply to us as parents, too? When we want to make a change in our parenting, we need to remember to give ourselves some grace. Changes don't happen overnight, whether you are trying to serve more vegetables to your family or stop doing something that your parents always did to you. Change requires us to change our brains and that doesn't happen instantly just because we want it to.

So, consider that the next time you get frustrated with yourself for, "doing that again" and forgive yourself. Think in terms of making the change for 30 days, working to be gentle with yourself when you make a mistake. And like my son, you'll find that this works much better than getting mad at yourself for not doing it perfectly!

"Mommy Time"

2008-08-23T13:35:00.000-07:00

I've been homeschooling my oldest son since he had just started first grade. Every day of the first 9 weeks of first grade had been awful, from the temper tantrums in the morning when he couldn't tie his shoes the way he wanted to the moment he got off the bus completely overwhelmed from his day. He was perfect at school, but I dreaded the evenings. And the mornings. And thinking about the mornings. And the afternoons. And the evenings. Finally, I had decided to pull him out of school, figuring that school was what was creating his stress.

I was part right. Yes, there was a lot of stress for him to try to be perfect at school (he was terrified of getting on yellow light or making a single mistake), but that wasn't the whole story. I had no idea how to help him deal with the stress and overwhelm he was feeling because, guess what- no one had ever helped me with mine when I was growing up (not because they didn't want to, but they didn't know how either) and I didn't know how to support him through it. It wasn't that I didn't want to help him. I truly did. I could see how horrible he was feeling and how he must feel just awful about himself, but I didn't know how to make it better.

Fast forward three years and lots of effort on my part to make my family work, along with incredible synchronicities and answered prayers that led me to the right people at the right time and my son was ready to go back to school. He asked to go. He wanted to start 4th grade. My husband is teaching 5th grade this year and he wanted to go with him to school. I knew that he was ready to handle the stressors that go along with school that he couldn't handle in the past. And I was ready to help support him through the stress that I knew would come with returning to that environment when he came home at the end of the day. I felt better knowing that my husband would be in the classroom next door and that there would be lots of communication from school during his transition. But I knew that we had more tools and understanding as a family now to support him through it.

What I had learned was the most important is that I am really present with him when he is home. I wanted to be with him and spend time with him, so I made it the priority. When he was getting ready in the morning and when he came home at night, it was his "mommy time." He was going to have moments of dysregulation. I expected them. But how would we all do with this huge transition? I must admit I was a little concerned. But he seemed confident and excited. I relaxed more once I met his teacher. We were now ready for the first day.

He started this past Monday. He came home with a smile on his face, excited to tell me all about his first day. Sure enough, over the first week, there were moments of fairly extreme dysregulation. But I had learned that this was about him and not a personal attack on me, so I was able to stay calm and validate his fears and concerns. He was able to calm down in seconds instead of the hours it had taken before and then we were able to go on with our time together.

Our "Mommy Time" schedule for the first week went something like this: In the morning before school, I made it a point to get up with him and just spend some time with him not asking him to do anything. Sometimes I'd just hold him and help him to get regulated to start his day off on a good foot. Sometimes we'd just sit and talk. Either way, he was ready to start his day after we'd spent this time together, even if he had woken up feeling anxious or upset. Usually this is about 10 minutes long.

After school, "Mommy Time" starts when my husband takes my younger son, who is 4 1/2, to do something special so that I can spend some uninterrupted time together with my older son. This time really helped him to regulate after his day, knowing that he was special and loved unconditionally no matter what had happened at school. This first week of school, we spent between 30-60 minutes together doing something that he wanted to do, like reading the book series we've been enjoying together or going outside together.

At bedtime, I go in and spend another 10-20 minutes just letting him talk about whatever he wants to share with me about his day, his thoughts about the next day, or something fun we're going to do together the next day or over the weekend.

As the school year goes on and he adjusts to school, I know he won't need that amount of time every day. It won't always be like that, but I will do it as long as he needs it. When he's ready, he'll want to go out and play with his friends after school after a short time with me instead of needing these long times. I know it is an investment and something I can do to help him transition to his new environment. It is worth every minute. He is worth every minute. Nothing else is more important than our relationship. Nothing.

I know it is early in the school year, but I am confident that we are all going to be just fine this year. I know there will be bumps in the road. I know there will be days when we struggle with dysregulation and meeting everyone's needs, but it is wonderful to feel positive about all that we have accomplished in the past 3 years! Mommy Time hasn't solved all of our problems, but it sure has made a big difference in my family! Thank you "Mommy Time!"

Just want to fix it?

2008-07-31T01:21:00.000-07:00

My oldest son woke in the middle of the night unable to breathe and was coughing a really croupy cough. He doesn't normally wake up in the night and come in to me, so I knew when he came in that this was something different. He has a lot of stressors in his life right now and I know this is part of what's going on with him. I can see that some of it is emotional, rather than purely physical and I want to fix it. I want him to feel better.

So, I got out of bed and tried to figure out what it was that was bothering him and what I could do to help him. I pulled out my homeopathics and set about trying to figure out, through my groggy middle of the night brain, what it was that he needed. Try as I might, I couldn't figure it out. Where was this coming from? What did he need?

I was so busy searching for a solution that I realized that I had moved away from him. I was off in my own little corner in my own little world trying to fix it. Yes, maybe there was something I could give him that would make him feel better. But maybe I just needed to be there for him to support him, laying beside him and knowing that this is simply where he is in this moment on his own journey.

As mothers, we want to make it better, easier, for our children. We want to take the pain away. But that is simply not always possible, especially when it comes to our children's emotional pain. Sometimes our children are just communicating that they need our presence. And that is the best thing we can do for them, knowing they will find their way through it if we are just there for them emotionally.

Be open to what your child is communicating with you today and strive to be emotionally present- that is the most healing thing you can do for your child on his journey. We can't always fix it, but that's okay. Connection is what really matters. Thanks for the lesson, Zack.

Resources for Parenting

2008-06-24T11:47:00.001-07:00

When I first became a parent, I knew the kind of parent that I wanted to be. I wanted to be kind and connected, showing love and compassion for my children. I wanted a peaceful home with love everywhere. I was determined to do this. I went to therapy before I even got pregnant with my first because I knew that my own childhood had been rocky and I wanted to learn from my parents' struggles.

When my son was a baby, I faced a number of challenges. He was colicky. He wanted to nurse all the time. He never took a nap on his own. And as he grew, it seemed the number of situations I just didn't know what to do about expanded. I needed more information and support, but wasn't sure where to go. As I looked around at the available parenting books, I felt more confused. Family members were uncomfortable with my choices and they warned me that what I was doing was going to create a monster. It was a difficult time for me, but one that stretched me to connect with what my son really needed and learn to find support from those who understood what I was working towards. I had no real blueprint for what I was trying to do, but I was still determined to do it.

Well, life has a habit of sending you exactly what you need to grow and I felt for a while that I was way too blessed in this department. I was overwhelmed after a series of losses in my own life and was struggling with the same difficult behaviors my parents had faced with my brothers now with my own son. I didn't understand how my son needed me to connect with him because I had never experienced it. As his behaviors escalated, I continued to seek answers. I read as many parenting books as I could find, but they all seemed based on behaviors and I knew that it didn't work. It only made it worse and the disconnection in my home was so far away from the family I had imagined. How could this have happened?

As circumstances always seem to unfold for me in such an amazing way, I was guided to the people who were able to show me the way out of it all. I am so thankful to Heather Forbes for being that beacon of hope when I was in the middle of the darkness. There is hope. And there really can be peace in our homes and in our lives. It has been such an amazing journey for me and it has touched upon so much more than just my parenting and my relationship with my son.

So, the resources that I am developing through my website are all those things that either helped me on my own journey or that I wish I had had from the beginning. This is only the beginning and we already have much to offer here. Check out our TeleParenting classes, based upon the book Heather Forbes, LCSW, co-authored with Dr. Bryan Post: Beyond Consequences. We also offer phone coaching, which was another one of the things that made a huge difference for me on my own journey. I am also having a Family-Friendly retreat this fall on St. Pete Beach, Florida, which was another big part of my healing journey. And be sure to check out my store and my new e-booklet about Handling Criticism When You Are Parenting Differently. It is only $3! These were the words I so needed to hear when I was first starting to do things differently.

We are continuing to create resources that you tell us you need, as well as those that were of benefit to those of us on our own journey. Let us know how you're doing and what you need most to help you on your journey. We're listening.

Time to breathe

2008-05-04T10:14:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that more than a month has passed since I added to my blog! Everything has been moving at such an amazing pace in my life and with the Consciously Parenting Project. We are adding classes and have some wonderful people coming on board to offer more classes and services to meet the needs of the families who are seeking information and resources to create connection in their homes. We're working on some really cool t-shirt designs and my book is coming along nicely. I plan to have it widely available by the end of this year, so keep watching for details as they become available.

But with all this excitement is a much needed reminder to keep the balance in my life: to make sure that I am taking time for my children to be completely present with them in the way they need me to be. To take the time for those who are nearest and dearest to my heart and not let the busyness of the outside world take away from what matters the most.

I also remind myself that I need to take time for myself. If I am struggling, I cannot support someone else. If I am not fully present on my own, I cannot be fully present with someone else. And those around me, my husband and my children, need me to connect fully with them. So, I set aside time for my work, time for play, time to reflect quietly alone, and time to connect with the other important people in my life. I take the time to just sit and breathe. I am modeling self-care for my own children, so that when they grow up they will know within themselves that it is good to take time for themselves. It is good, for they are human beings, not human doings. Who they are is enough.

Take the time today to stop and breathe. Just allow yourself to be. For you are enough just the way you are.

Exciting changes here!

2008-03-31T13:18:00.000-07:00

I just got my Pam Leo, "Have you connected with your child today?" bumper stickers in the mail. How about you? See my previous blog for information on getting your free bumper sticker.

I've been busy working on many different projects to expand The Consciously Parenting Project to reach more families who are looking for information on how to connect with their children and how to stay connected. I'm ready to launch a whole new series of TeleParenting Support Classes with a new instructor coming on board who can offer different times and free me up a little more to work on some other projects I have going on. Wilma Vance, who brings with her many years of parenting experience as an adoptive, foster, and mother of a biological child, as well as many years of professional service working with adoptive and foster families, is joining us to help teach parenting classes. Wilma actually did the pilot program for the Beyond Consequences classes and has been teaching them for over 2 years. More importantly, she has been implementing this model into her own home and brings with her a wealth of practical experience "where the rubber meets the road." I'm delighted that she will be joining us here! You can send Wilma an e-mail to welcome her at wilma@consciouslyparenting.com

I'm also excited to announce that we will be beginning a new series of both Level 1 and Level 2 TeleParenting Classes in mid-April. Check out my events page for more information (http://www.consciouslyparenting.com/events.html) on the dates. I'm still working on the Level 2 sign up, so if it isn't ready when you check it out, please return in a day or so and it should be up. I'm still working on the second class date as there seems to be a conflict with the Friday night class time.

The Level 2 class is very exciting and it will be taking a much more in-depth and personal look how the concepts discussed in the Level 1 class and how it applies to our lives and the lives of those around us. These classes will be every other week and will also be limited to 6 participants. Because of the smaller class size and the personal nature of this class, each class will be $20 instead of $10. There will be work outside of the class and this is definitely one of those times when you will get out of it what you put into it. We are bringing in lots of other resources to deepen your understanding of this paradigm. I'm looking forward to this class probably as much as the participants!

I'm also excited to announce that we now have a toll free number. You can call The Consciously Parenting Project for more information on phone coaching, TeleParenting Support Classes, or just general information. The number is (888)631-4441.

I'm also planning a workshop in Boynton Beach, FL on Saturday, June 28 from 9-12. This will be a family-friendly interactive workshop entitled: "Parenting Beyond Behaviors: What Really Matters in Parenting." Information and sign-up is also available on my events page.

More to come. Stay tuned...

Rebecca

Pam Leo's bumper sticker campaign

2008-03-12T09:21:00.000-07:00

I just loved this and wanted to let everyone know so that you could participate if you wish. Pam Leo, author of Connection Parenting, is launching a bumper sticker campaign. Her own words about this campaign are below. Her granddaughter, Magnolia, will be handling everything as part of her homeschooling. Please also indicate the nearest large city, as she will also be locating where the bumper stickers are on a map. At this time, this offer is only available to those in the United States, but she is open to ideas about how to make it available to everyone the world over. Visit her website to learn more about Pam: http://www.connectionparenting.com

Be part of the shift to connection and helping parents to think about connecting with their children!

From Pam: Have you ever been driving home at the end of a day feeling stressed and distracted and found yourself cracking up at a funny bumper sticker on the car in front of you at a red light? I have and I love bumper stickers because they have the ability to make us laugh, make us think, and to inspire us.

At over $3 per gallon, I want more for my gas dollars than transportation; I want inspiration. We can all make a difference for families by turning our transportation vehicles into vehicles of inspiration. By the end of March, the Connection Parenting bumper stickers: "Have you Connected to Your Child Today?" will be available.

Wouldn't it make you feel good to think that your bumper sticker made life better for a parent and child? Imagine some harried mom or dad driving home from work on the way to pick up the kids, and sees your bumper sticker and thinks, "I haven't connected with my children today, but I will when I see them."

My hope for these bumper stickers is that they will remind and inspire parents to connect with their children.

In the US, you can get your free bumper sticker by sending a self-addressed, stamped envelope to:

Pam Leo

Connection Parenting

attn: Magnolia

10 Old Orchard Rd

Gorham, Maine 04038

Your first bumper sticker is free. Additional bumper stickers may be purchased for $1/ea. Please make checks payable to Pam Leo."

Pam's granddaughter, Magnolia, is going to be handling this project as part of her homeschooling. Please indicate the nearest large city so that she can mark it on her map and they know where all those bumper stickers have been sent!

I hope you take advantage of this and spread the word!

Rebecca

Balance in the present moment

2008-02-24T21:13:00.000-08:00

I've been working really hard lately, trying to find that delicate balance between work, family, sleep, cooking, cleaning (which my husband asked if I've given up doing), homeschooling, tending to the cats, spending time journaling or reading a book now and then. I realized that I was lacking balance, which became apparent after an especially demanding work week for me.

So today, I took the day off. I left my computer off until dinnertime and that is an amazing accomplishment for me. I think the lines get much blurrier when working from home sometimes. When am I actually at work? When am I home? When is it family time? When is it time to rest? It was so much easier when I went away to an office in so many ways. I haven't worked much without my kids since my first born over 9 years ago and had only a brief time of working away from my oldest son when he was around 3. It was only a few hours a week and I remember that time rather fondly. It was just enough that I really missed him and was ready to come back. But it gave me that time that was distinctly mine to be a grown-up- to drink a hot beverage without worrying about someone getting burned and perhaps have a complete thought without an interruption before 10PM.

I knew this past week had been too much, so I decided today was going to be a family day. I ended up having some wonderful quality time with my 4 year-old son. We played on the front porch with those little seeds that fall to the ground like a mini helicopter for the longest time. I watched his face fill with joy and excitement as we raced our little helicopters to the ground. He'd cackle as he let his fall from his hand way before anyone said, "Go!" and would rejoice in his triumph when his hit the ground first.

It was through this encounter that I saw how much he was simply in the present moment. He wasn't worrying about future events or chugging through events of the past. He was simply right there watching the little helicopters make their flights with great anticipation, even though the races were over nearly as soon as they began. Watching his face light up was one of the highlights of my day.

Tomorrow I am determined to keep checking in with myself and make sure that I am giving rapt attention to those little miracles that my children seem to see so much more easily. I'm going to take lots of time to play and learn how to better set aside time to just simply be in the present moment with my family. Everything else can wait. Nothing is more important than my family.

I know it will take time to get the balance right, but intention is a very important part and I have that now. And I am thankful to my son for reminding me how it is done.

A blogging we will go...

2008-02-22T14:57:00.000-08:00

My cousin, Matt, suggested that I start a blog. So, here I am. I had no idea it was so easy to start. Almost too easy. Anybody can do this. Anybody. Five minutes ago, I was not a blogger and now I am. I've been thinking about this for months as if it was some sort of dental procedure I was trying to avoid, but it was painless.

So, I am a parent. A conscious parent, of sorts. I realized that so many people go into parenting and never really think about how they are parenting or what effect their decisions will have on their children today and in the future. Once I started really looking at all of the parenting information out there, I became really overwhelmed. This expert says one thing, while another says the exact opposite. Let your child cry. It helps strengthen their lungs. I cried it out and turned out just fine. (That, of course, may be subject to debate at another time) Another book may say to never let your child cry. And I'm a so-called expert. If I'm confused, how many other parents are confused, too?

As a former elementary school teacher, I saw clearly that the way many parents were parenting just wasn't working. The system I was working in as a teacher was relying on behavioral methods, or looking simply at the children's behaviors, then providing a consequence, punishment, or reward if we wanted to increase or decrease a behavior. It never really made sense to me and I saw many children's behavior get much worse with these types of interventions. But I didn't know what else to do.

I finally left education and went back to school to get my masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. I was going to study behavior and help those families find the answers. But college turned out to be somewhat of a disappointment as far as my classes went. They all emphasized glossing over the core issues to get clients in and out in a short number of sessions covered by most insurance plans. Not for me. I wanted to do much deeper work that would actually result in healing, not just put a band-aid on a gaping wound. I did, however, find many interesting journal articles to read which helped to deepen my understanding of what I wanted to do. I found myself drawn into the attachment and trauma literature by some invisible force and I knew the answers were here. But I still didn't know exactly what this kind of parenting was going to look like. How do you apply this information?

Fast forward several years and children later. I was volunteering for La Leche League and Attachment Parenting International, having discovered these fine organizations which respected the importance of the early parenting bond, helping parents to make those early connections with their own children. I was contacted by Heather Forbes, LCSW, who was writing a book that would later be called Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Children with Severe Behaviors, and we met for lunch. I had no idea how much this meeting would change my life and answer those questions I had been seeking the answer to.

She shared with me her work with adoptive families and the love-based approach they were using with great success. She totally had my attention and I couldn't wait to hear more. I knew the information was valuable for all families, but I wasn't sure how to apply it yet.

Fast forward a couple of years and lots of practice applying this in my own home with my own family and things are looking very good from here, indeed. We had so many struggles with my son, even though I had "done everything right" from the beginning. He had had all that nurturing, co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, holding care and we were still stuck. I didn't understand, even though I had studied it intensely, how trauma was really affecting us all. It wasn't until I went to the BCI Live Event that it all came together for me.

So, things aren't perfect here, but I'm okay with that. We aren't having hours of temper tantrums anymore and we have a much deeper understanding and appreciation for each other parenting from this place of love and respect than we ever did with consequences and love withdraw.

I'm putting this out into the world because I know that every family wants to raise healthy, high-functioning children who are loving, and families need tools, a greater understanding of their children that goes beyond the mainstream information out there, and the support to parent in a different, responsive way. With information, all parents have a chance to create families who are caring and loving no matter what things currently look like. And empowering families to make conscious decisions from the start is a huge part of the mission of The Consciously Parenting Project, as well as providing information for handling those times of disconnect when things aren't going as we'd like them to. Pre-conception to grandparenting, everyone can find support to parent from a conscious place and that is a beautiful thing.