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Friday, November 7, 2014
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Keeping it together... when we're angry or depressed... for the kids
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You can find it here: http://consciouslyparenting.com/keeping-it-together/
See you there!
Monday, November 3, 2014
On the day of candy
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Wednesday, October 29, 2014
"I'm here to bring hope," said my 10 year-old
I spent the weekend thinking deeply about my life’s purpose,
immersed in Oprah’s Live the Life You Want weekend in Miami. I came home and
was sharing some of my experiences with a friend on the phone when I noticed my
son was listening intently. He’ll be 11 next month and has always been a deep
and sensitive soul, especially with me.
I was sharing that Oprah began with the words, “Why are you
here? What are you here to do in this life?”
My son looked into my eyes and said, “I know why I’m here.”
I stopped my conversation. That’s the kind of thing that
completely gets your full attention as a parent. I paused and said, “You do? Tell me why you are here.”
“I’m here to bring hope.”
“When Jacob died, you needed hope. And when I was born, I
gave you hope. So I know I’m here to bring hope.”
He was right.
He was conceived 5 months after my baby, Jacob, had died from a fatal
birth defect. I was ready to try again and I felt confident that things would
be ok this time around, yet I was still grieving. My whole world was shaken to
the core. I didn’t know how anyone could really recover from such a loss. I
felt like there would always be a giant gaping hole in my heart that would
never be better. I continued to do my own work before and during (and well
after) the pregnancy with him, but he certainly grew in the sadness I was
experiencing, along with the waves of fear that things might not be all right.
We’ve talked about his birth. We’ve talked about the baby
brother he never knew who came before him. We’ve talked about how much I wanted to have him and how
loved he was and always will be. But I had forgotten the story I had told him
about hope. But he hadn’t.
I believe it was Oprah this weekend who said, “Hope is the
simple belief that things can change. Despair is that tomorrow will be another
version of today.”
I needed things to change. I needed to believe my body could
have a healthy baby. I needed to know in my heart that I wouldn’t always be
shrouded in a cloud of grief. I needed to see the beauty in every day moments.
Honestly, it would have been easy to just have thrown my hands up in the air,
curled into a ball and never look up again- except that I had another child
already, a little boy who was 3 1/2 who needed me. And so I got up and made
breakfast instead of staying in bed on those cold Indiana winter days while it
rained or snowed or was just dark and grey outside. And, true to my nature, I searched for answers so
that tomorrow wouldn’t be the same as today.
These moments always contain choices. We can be defined by
the sadness of the story or the hope. We can allow something that happens to us
to be the reason we stop trying or the reason why we must propel ourselves
forward. Every situation, no matter how dire it seems, contains the opportunity for
defining ourselves and our path forward. And we have the opportunity with our
children to help them define their own stories as a hero’s journey, no matter
what happened by the stories we tell to them.
We can rewrite those stories so that we are the hero. We can
rewrite those stories so that they define us in ways that help us to grow. And
we can begin doing that today.
I’m here to bring you hope. Hope for you. Hope for your
family.
"Because it is always darkest before the dawn and the sun always rises." Oprah
Sunrise pictures courtesy from my Facebook friends. Thanks all!
Sunrise in Satellite Beach, FL, courtesy Kim Bannister |
Sunrise over Albuquerque, NM, courtesy of Deborah Barkoff |
Sunrise in Clearwater (entitled, When You Wake Up on Red!) courtesy of Susan Stroemel Graham |
Sunrise in NY from a bus, courtesy Clare Uppenbrink |
Sunrise Satellite Beach, FL, courtesy of Kim Bannister |
Sunrise Punta Gorda, FL, courtesy of Cecilia Wilhelm |
South Nevada in August, courtesy Teresa Lewis Lass |
Want to connect more with me:
Affordable Classes for Parents 24/7 from the Comfort of Home
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Feeling isolated? We can help!
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Sunday, September 21, 2014
A Gift for YOU as Consciously Parenting Celebrates 7 Years
The Consciously Parenting Project began 7 years ago today.
Consciously Parenting was founded in loving memory of my
son, Jacob, who came into the world at 10am on this date 12 years ago and
passed away at noon the same day, leaving my world forever changed. Jacob was
born with a birth defect incompatible with life. He was born at home by choice
and spent his entire life held by those who loved him.
The struggle that followed his death far exceeded my
ability to cope, though I really didn’t see that at the time. (I don’t really
give up. I’m kind of stubborn when it comes to things like this…) Things went
from bad to worse as my son, in his 4 year-old way, tried to bring it to my
attention that I really wasn’t present with him anymore. But 4 year-olds don’t
tell you nicely. They express their own struggle and hope you pick up on it.
But I didn’t. Not for a long time. I thought he was the
problem.
If he
would just listen to me, we would be fine. If he would just be a little more
calm and patient, things would feel better for all of us.
I didn’t see his fear. I didn’t see that he just needed me
to love him and comfort him. I saw no connection between his brother’s death
and his current behavior. And I saw no connection between Jacob’s death and my
current behavior, which I thought was ok. (ish)
Once I finally figured out that Jacob’s death had spiraled us
all (after about 4 years of struggle), I had uncovered some pretty big Truths
that needed to be shared.
I knew this
information could completely transform families as it had mine.
My dear friend, Lianne March, web master extraordinaire,
held my hand and helped me put together the first version of Consciously
Parenting. We launched on September 21, 2007 with the mission of educating
families and helping them find hope and support to connect deeply with one
another.
I’ve continued to have my own struggles and (luckily) I’ve
continued to learn. Now I have developed a vast library of resources on a wide
variety of topics, including some incredible interviews with my colleagues,
classes, and lots of writing to help guide your journey out of chaos and into
connection.
Thank you for being a part of The Consciously Parenting
Project. Whether you just found us or you’ve been with us since 2007 when we
began, thank you. Without you, we wouldn’t be here. Without your powerful
stories of transformation in your families, I might forget how important this
work really is for all of us. We really do need each other. I believe that’s
what a community is all about.
As a thank you, this week, I’m offering free 30-minute phone or Skype consultations. Sign up this week for a time between now and middle of October by sending me an email. (rebecca @ consciouslyparenting (dot) com without the spaces and replace (dot) with .)
It is my way of saying thank you.
I’d like
to hear your story. And I’d like to see what I can do to help your
family feel better- more peaceful, more joyful, more connected.
Just title your email "Free 30 min session" and we’ll find a time.
Thank you again for being here.
Now you know why I am here. Email me and share with me what brought you here and what you're seeking. Or post in the comments. I'd love to hear.
Warmly,
Rebecca
Friday, July 18, 2014
Consciously Navigating Media in Our Families
“I'm trying to find my
balance with electronics…. I am posting this here because I have posted this in
other places and the responses have ranged from too much, too little, sell it
all, get more electronics, etc. I want to find what works for us, realizing
it's ok if it doesn't work for everyone…. Does anyone else struggle to find
this balance? If you've found it, how did you find what eventually worked for
your family?”
It
all started with this post from a mom of two young boys in my I Heart Parenting
community. The
responses among my very conscious families on I Heart Parenting
were as varied as the families in the group. Some aren’t limiting electronics
at all, while others are severely limiting them and several families in
between. One family realized that
it was they, the parents, who were having trouble limiting themselves, so they
drastically reduced their own electronics time for starters.
When
I posted a question about how families handle media on my personal Facebook
page, I was greeted with equally diverse answers and a couple of private
messages sharing what they do in their families and why.
Could
it be more complicated?
Possibly.
Start
adding in the research about it and it is likely that you’ll end up being more
clear about what you don’t want (which may be polar opposites) and less clear about how to get where you want
to be.
I have my own challenges in the area of media. After following a limited media approach for early and middle childhood, we're exploring more flexibility now and are running into some challenges here, too. I really resonated with the question, too. I
decided to reach out to some of my colleagues and see what they do in their
families and what they suggest to the families they support, given their
knowledge of the research and their focus on creating connection and putting
the relationship first. How do they navigate this?
Despite
the wide range of answers to the question from my colleagues, I heard all of
these parents putting the relationship first. Most talked about having many
open conversations with their child or children about media use, how they feel
when they watch certain things, empowering them to make their own decisions in
what they felt were age-appropriate ways, and support the child when they were
struggling in some way because of media.
So
many parts of parenting are
somewhat timeless. Unlike bedtimes, sleeping arrangements, food, and other
common parenting issues, we have no template for what to do with media, whether
it worked for our parents or not. In other aspects of parenting, we decide whether or not we need
to repeat what was done with us or decide whether we’d like to do them
differently with our children. (Or just repeating by default, of course. Always
an option.) It’s a little more challenging to feel
our way through media because we don’t have anything to compare it to in our
own lives as children.
When
I was growing up, we didn’t have cable. The only electronic games we could play
were Simon (remember that one?) and the early Atari games on our black and white console television.
There is a bit more fear here for many of us just because this is uncharted territory for us.
We didn’t grow up with Internet, let alone pocket sized computers we carry with
us 24/7. We probably didn’t get
our first smart phone until we were in our late 20’s or 30’s or even later, so
what does our teen need to find her way through? We’re still trying to figure
this out for ourselves and we’re supposed to be guiding our children through
this at the same time. This is another situation where we’re learning to ride
the bicycle while we’re building it.
So
how do we figure out what’s going to work best in our family? How do we know
what’s right? How can we balance our intuition and our fears that may or may
not be logical and rational? How can we support our children to grow up to be
emotionally healthy adults who know how to have a face-to-face relationship
with other people in this world where so many of their interactions are
happening virtually? How can we help them find their own balance with media
use? How can we find it ourselves?
As
I look at this issue, I realize that it warrants a much bigger discussion than
a simple blog post. I’m going to
write a series of articles over the next few weeks and months, and have some
conversations with colleagues about this subject to give you some food for
thought as you find your own path through this jungle so that you can stay
connected to your children while you’re guiding them, which is what I think we
all want. This week, we’re beginning by exploring the topic and recognizing the
challenges here. Next week, we’ll be looking at limiting our children’s media
exposure as a path. The following week, we’ll be looking at not putting overt
limits on media. The last week, we’ll be exploring how to find your own way
through each developmental phase to something that works for you and your
family.
We’ll
begin next Tuesday, July 22 with a conversation with my friend and colleague,
Erika Elmuts of www.consciousparents.org
as we kick off this discussion.
Please feel free to write
your own media related questions in the comments and we’ll do our best to
answer them on the call. If you’d like to join us, here’s
a link to sign up. Even if you can’t join us live, by signing up we can
send you the recording and you’ll hear about additional calls as they’re added
to the calendar. I hope you’ll join in this very important discussion, whether
you’ve figured out what works for your family (and I hope you’ll share your
secrets) or if you’re still trying to figure it out!
Friday, June 13, 2014
It's Never Too Late to Connect
Reader's Question: "I am a 62 yr old grandmother, and my 3 yr old granddaughter loves being with me. I wasn't well-mothered or grand-mothered, and was ill-prepared to be a mother or grandmother myself. My husband and I made many mistakes raising our son, who rebelled at sixteen, left home during his senior year, and at 37, is struggling with drugs and alcohol to this day. His daughter is a precious, loving little girl. I want to respect and understand what she feels and be fully present with her, and don't want to repeat the mistakes I made with her Daddy. I'm especially concerned about how to control my temper and patiently guide her when she makes mistakes, as we all do. Where do I begin? I feel so inadequate."
That said, as you pay attention to your own process and your own journey, just begin by acknowledging when you don't handle something the way you wanted with her. You're repairing the relationship, which helps you both, but you're also modeling for her what to do when she makes a mistake. Begin with "I'm so sorry that I lost my patience (or whatever it is that you're acknowledging). Let's try that again." And you can back up or rewind like an old tape (literally, if you'd like, as silliness can really help break our own tension and the tension between us) and do it again the way you wanted to do it. We ALL have those moments and we often think that we're just totally messing things up. But what I have come to realize is that those moments when we "mess up" and then reconnect create a very strong glue in our relationships.
Sometimes you may not know what you could have done differently in the moment. Sit with it and ask the question, "What could I do in that moment to CONNECT?" Practice it in your mind. It really helps. Your mind doesn't know the difference between something that you're imagining and something that is happening, so it is a PERFECT place to practice the way you'd like to do things.
Patience is challenging for all parents. Begin just by being aware of yourself and how you're feeling. Give yourself the space to step away when you're losing patience and breathe. Do something that is nourishing to you- go outside, sing, play some music, dance- with or without your granddaughter. Own it. "I need to do something different for a few minutes so I can really be with you and have fun." And then let her know what you need. If you can shift the energy together, then invite her along. If you need relief for a few minutes, give that to yourself.
I want to acknowledge the relationship that you have now with your son and the difficulty I am hearing he is having in his life to this day. The best thing you can do is to forgive yourself, knowing you did the best you could at the time with the information and support you had when he was growing up. He's an adult now and he's on his own path. As you learn to connect in new ways with your granddaughter, it might surprise you that you see new ways that you can connect with him, as well, if he's open to it.
By the way, I LOVE hearing that your granddaughter LOVES being with you. That says a lot about your connection already. Remember that now.
Rebecca Thompson, MS
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Creating a Family Life that Works for YOU!
Last week, I was kind of stressed out. OK, I was more than a little stressed. Our family wasn't working well- not the way I wanted it to, anyway. My work time was getting squished, bedtimes were getting later and later, I wasn't getting enough sleep... (maybe you've had a similar experience??)
I wasn't happy. I was getting short with my kids because I was frustrated. My to-do list was long, but so was the time it was taking to get out the door to school in the morning. My nights and my work time were short. And every delay for bedtime was driving me up the wall! I didn't have the patience. My needs weren't being met.
In the past, I might have just started yelling. I might have resorted to consequences. I might have wanted my child to feel the same discomfort I was experiencing. It probably wouldn't have been pretty.
But I've been doing this consciously parenting thing for a while. Not perfectly. But I know that I handle things much better than I used to most of the time. I know that things go better when I find a way to connect before I make a request or correct my sons. I know that if I can respect their needs and mine, too, that things go much better for everyone. I also know that the moment when I'm upset about something isn't the moment to try to have a logical conversation with my boys (or really anyone else, for that matter).
My 10 year-old and I had a conversation and worked out a solution that met my needs and also met his. He was able to hear what was going on for me and my frustrations (we've been doing this for a while) and I was able to hear what he needed, too.
The next day after a dramatically easier bedtime and a great morning send-off to school, I was sitting in my office chair smiling. I had somehow managed to meet my needs without disrespecting my son's needs. And now I could do the work I really needed to do. Beautiful.
I found myself thinking about all the parents who have felt like me- when things aren't working in a way that feels good to you. And when it doesn't feel good to you, it doesn't feel good to your family, either. And that means it isn't working for them, either. If you're like me and you're wanting to parent consciously and peacefully with respect, that can be really challenging if you don't have the tools to do so. I know I didn't have them for many years and felt so frustrated!
Last week, I had a mom contact me because her 4 year-old daughter was hitting her. This was clearly not working for mom! Mom didn't want to react negatively, so she was just trying to ignore the behavior until she figured out what to do. She would rather do nothing than something that was going to be really disrespectful (like hitting her or yelling at her).
I'm guessing that you probably have felt this way about something in your parenting life. What is it? I want to talk about these things with you and other parents around the globe who are striving to parent consciously, but aren't sure how to get to a place of balance in the family in respectful ways.
So you're invited to my upcoming webinar / call: Creating a Family Life that Works for YOU. I'm going to be answering YOUR questions.
Would you like to join us? Sign up here.
The call will be held on Thursday, May 22, 2014 at 8pm eastern. Please sign up even if you can't attend live. We'll be recording this call and will send out a recording once the call is over (and all the technical miracles have happened to put it on a page where you can listen to it... magic, I tell you...).
What are your biggest challenges getting in the way of creating a family life that works for you? And for your family? I had an image of the way I wanted things to be in my family and then I had the way things actually were... and I wasn't sure how to get there from where I was. It didn't happen overnight, but I found the baby steps I needed to take to begin to move in the direction I wanted to go. Baby step after baby step. Steps backwards and sideways, but I finally realized that I was just dancing and there was nothing actually wrong.
Come join us as we explore ways you can begin to make your own baby steps from wherever you are right now.
Looking forward to hearing what's going on for you and having you be a part of our call!
Warmly,
Rebecca
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Healing on Mother's Day
Mother’s Day 2014
There is so much of each person’s story that comes up on
Mother’s Day. As I scrolled through my Facebook feed today, I was really struck
by the glimpses of my friends’ stories about their mothers and mother figures
in their lives. From the charming pictures of my friends with their own
children to the heartbreak of my friend whose mother is under hospice care and
hasn’t woken up today (but has been very peacefully sleeping with loved ones
nearby), it is clear that mothers and mothering strikes a deep chord for nearly
everyone I know.
Me and my boys last summer |
Some highlighted their own mothers, living or no longer with
them, with loving tributes along with touching pictures. Others focused on
their own journey as a mother, sharing pictures with their own children now or
when their children were small.
Some shared multigenerational pictures with their own mother and their
children together. (Those were so fun for me to see the familial resemblance
and so many mothers who look like their mothers!)
This day means something different for everyone and we can really touch upon our own story of
being a mother (if we are one), having
a mother (which we all have, some of us having many mothers and mother
figures in our lives), or our mothering
losses (including needs unmet, the loss of children, being unable to
conceive, the loss of our mother, disconnections in our relationship with our
mother past or present). The events and circumstances in our lives that we are
not complete with around our mother and mothering are bound to show up on this
day for us.
Regardless of what story may be showing up for us today,
what is most important for us is to nurture ourselves. I believe more than
anything that this is a perfect opportunity for us to ask ourselves what we
need and then ask others for support in meeting those needs. If you are sad and
grieving losses today, ask for space or for connection. If it feels true to
you, spend time writing your story, to share or not share, but write it for
yourself. Maybe you find yourself feeling angry for your mothering losses.
Create space for that and write or share with a friend or loved one. Perhaps
you feel overjoyed and grateful for the love you’ve been given and the
connection you share with your children. Share that, too. Write it down.
Remember and cherish these moments.
Whatever you’re feeling is more than OK. It is necessary and will point
you toward the direction of your own wholeness.
Several years ago, I had the opportunity to work with a family with a child who had been
adopted shortly after birth. This particular year, instead of being happy on
Mother’s Day, Sarah was sad. Sarah’s parents, who were quite aware of their
daughter, didn’t take it offensively, but were curious about why she was
feeling sad on this particular day. At 8 years old, Sarah was able to
articulate that she was thinking about her birth mother and wondered if her
birth mother was alone on this day. Sarah had a family and a mother, but there
was someone else who was on her heart. Her mother realized this was an opening
to help her daughter to heal a bit more of her own story. She listened to her
daughter share what was on her heart then together they decided to light a
candle to remember her birth mother on this special day. A lightness came back
into her daughter as they lit the candle together. Mother and daughter were
able to celebrate the day with a renewed appreciation for each other.
Tips for Mother’s Day
Healing
-Whatever you are feeling today is right and perfect.
-Those feelings will point you in the direction of healing
parts of your story that need a little love balm. This is true of you, your
partner, and your kiddos.
-Make space for those feelings by writing or sharing with
someone else who can just listen to what you need to say.
-Find a way to let it go. Here are some ideas to help you:
Release it by writing words on a
balloon or a sky lantern (I like these best because they are 100%
biodegradable) and watch them sail away into the sky.
Write words on paper and tear them
up or burn them (safely, of course).
Sky lantern |
Light a candle to remember someone.
Say a prayer.
Meditate.
Go for a walk and allow the energy
to move through your body.
Take a nap.
Sing.
Create something.
Tell stories with your loved ones.
Do what calls to you to help you move through the energy
around this day. Listen to your own internal guidance. You know what you need
to do.
Wishing you many blessings today and always.
Warmly,
Rebecca
P.S. If you enjoyed this post, please share it with your friends! If you'd like more, make sure you sign up for our newsletter here. We have so much great stuff coming up this year and I don't want you to miss it!
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
New Beginnings
Welcome to my blog! I've been writing here intermittently for the past several years since the IT guy I consulted (who I happened to have nannied when he was small- ugh!) suggested that blogging was just like journaling in public. I like to write, so it seemed like a good fit. He held my hand and told me how to get it all set up (thanks, Matt!) and my blog was born.
I've had some good runs with my blog and I've been able to write about many topics that are near and dear to my heart. Unfortunately, I've neglected it for a little while.
It isn't that I haven't wanted to write. It's that sometimes life is complicated and perhaps we need some time to just pull inward while the storms pass. And so I did. The picture on the bottom of this post is from last year taken by a friend. It's a picture of me taking a picture of the sunset with my phone, which I did every night. You see, every night for a year, I went down to the seawall (I live in Florida near the Gulf of Mexico) to watch the sun set. We called it "Seawall Therapy" and it surely was. I highly recommend this sort of ritual for general sanity. Imagine if the whole world slowed down to watch the sunset every night... even without the seawall.
Now that the air is clearing and I have a whole year of sunsets under my belt, I have more space to step into new beginnings. I'm going to be writing more regularly again with a whole new set of topics to educate, inspire, and support your parenting journey. I'll be having guest bloggers join me from time to time to share their unique perspectives on finding their own way.
I'd love to hear if there is something specific you'd like me to write about, too. This is OUR blog and we're co-creating it, much like the parenting journey. We can't do this alone and we all have our own story and our own voice. Together, those voices form a chorus. :-) If you have a story you'd like to share, let me know! We'll be posting more details about our plans soon. In the meantime, happy parenting!
Warmly,
Rebecca
I've had some good runs with my blog and I've been able to write about many topics that are near and dear to my heart. Unfortunately, I've neglected it for a little while.
It isn't that I haven't wanted to write. It's that sometimes life is complicated and perhaps we need some time to just pull inward while the storms pass. And so I did. The picture on the bottom of this post is from last year taken by a friend. It's a picture of me taking a picture of the sunset with my phone, which I did every night. You see, every night for a year, I went down to the seawall (I live in Florida near the Gulf of Mexico) to watch the sun set. We called it "Seawall Therapy" and it surely was. I highly recommend this sort of ritual for general sanity. Imagine if the whole world slowed down to watch the sunset every night... even without the seawall.
Now that the air is clearing and I have a whole year of sunsets under my belt, I have more space to step into new beginnings. I'm going to be writing more regularly again with a whole new set of topics to educate, inspire, and support your parenting journey. I'll be having guest bloggers join me from time to time to share their unique perspectives on finding their own way.
I'd love to hear if there is something specific you'd like me to write about, too. This is OUR blog and we're co-creating it, much like the parenting journey. We can't do this alone and we all have our own story and our own voice. Together, those voices form a chorus. :-) If you have a story you'd like to share, let me know! We'll be posting more details about our plans soon. In the meantime, happy parenting!
Warmly,
Rebecca
Me at Seawall Therapy, 2013. Taken by a friend and her iPhone. |